Applying the Laws of Physics: Not That Hard. (Rachel Lucas)

Applying the Laws of Physics: Not That Hard.

Welcome to my blog. Please allow me to bore your socks off. I don't know why I write about things like this but that's your problem. I say that with love.

When I picked up the keys to the house I'm renting, the property management guy asked me to let him know what happened when it rained, because the owner, who'd just bought the place, could tell just by looking at the place that the water would have nowhere to go. The lowest spot on the property is right in front of the front door, for example. I'd wondered the same thing when I had my first look but there were decent-looking gutters so I wasn't too freaked out.

Well, I should have been freaked out. During the week between signing the lease and moving my stuff in, there was a hell of a downpour one evening, something like 2" in one hour. Half the city lost power for hours, it was quite spectacular. So after the rain, I came over to the new place to see where all the water went. Answer: Into the house.

The entire west side of the house had about 1/4" of standing water on the floor, about 4 to 5 feet in. It was literally pouring through the weepholes, through the wall, and onto the floor. Which, thank GOD, is ceramic tile. But the thing is, it wasn't because of actual flooding from overflow beyond my property. Oh, no. It was because the gutters may as well have not existed, as the grates over them were completely - I'm talking 100% - occluded with CRAP. Oak pollen thingies, twigs, sticks, dirt, leaves, you name it, it had formed an impenetrable barrier over the top of the entire gutter system, so water was pouring right over them and onto the ground around the house, which happens to sit very low compared to the house next door, which has no gutters, so the vast quantities of rain had simply poured off their roof, down the little hill, and rested lovingly right up against my house, along with all the water from my own roof.

So I took photos of everything and called the management company the next day to fill them in. They sent a man over, who mumbled something about maybe I should dig some trenches and clean the gutters. Thanks, pal. That's very helpful. Here's a brilliant idea: YOU'RE the repairman, why don't YOU do it? Well, he didn't have time. He'd be over next week maybe.

And of course, while I waited it rained some more. It rained every goddamn day, I think. So I had to take action because that's me, Action Woman, and one day while it poured, I put on my rain gear and went outside to show that water who is BOSS. I'd waited to do this while it was actually raining so that I could see what was happening live. It really was appalling. Even in a moderate shower. Sure that I would be struck and killed by lightning, I made my way around the house on a ladder and dug all the gunk out of the gutters. It was like giving the place a deep colonic: absolutely disgusting. But, DUH, immediately the rain stopped pouring off the roof and obeyed my command to flow through the gutters.

But it just couldn't be THAT easy, oh hells no. The genius who installed the gutters apparently had no concept of the physical properties of the universe, namely gravity and the fact that water, when dumped into a low spot, will in fact remain in that low spot until it evaporates. So this asshat had placed the downspouts in PRECISELY the lowest points of ground around the house. Two of them drain directly into a washed-out area around the chimney and had created pools about a foot deep, which had nowhere to drain except - you guessed it - over the foundation and through the weepholes and into the house. And the reason the weepholes are at ground level is because some other dunce had, over the years, built up the dirt higher and higher until it reached the level of the first bricks. I wonder if they thought that would HELP.

So I grabbed a shovel and pretended I was the Army Corps of Engineers, and I dug myself a trench system. Two soaking-wet hours and a couple of bleeding blisters later, I had achieved what untold numbers of men involved with this place had failed to do: a drainage system that worked like a conscious human being had designed it, not a blind and retarded chimpanzee. The water flowed in gentle yet business-like rivers through the gutters, down the downspouts, into trenches, and away. Away! I congratulated myself with a shot of tequila and spent the next several hours feeling very smug.

I can't say the results are attractive, though. My god. It looks like an earthquake struck my backyard, everything is mud, and I've lost sleep over what I had to do to the roots of several crepe myrtles. Too bad. Sacrifices must be made.

Posted on May 31, 2007 3:34 PM | Permalink

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Comments (22)

Daddyquatro

And the hand of Rachel moved upon the water,
And the dry land was separated from the water,
And it was good.

Posted by Daddyquatro | May 31, 2007 4:11 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 16:11

Tuning Spork

Well, I'll be. I had no idea that it rains in Texas!

And I can empathize with ya 'bout the gutters. Five years ago, just after I moved into the house I'm currently renting, my landlady asked me if I would do the yearly cleaning of the gutters.

Yearly? These things hadn't been cleaned in a generation. I pulled out five-foot-long stretches of soil made from rotted leaves and connected by an intricate array of weedy roots. Yes, these gutters had three-foot-tall weeds sprouting out of 'em. Ugh!

Posted by Tuning Spork | May 31, 2007 4:44 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 16:44

cirby

Now, all you need to do is go to the toy store and buy a tiny little village to place on the banks.

Muahahahahaaaaa...

Posted by cirby | May 31, 2007 5:00 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 17:00

mightysamurai

Ouch. I have a few stories like that but most of them involve ruining plastic models by trying to force together two pieces that, had I read the instructions, I would know weren't meant to fit like that in the first place.

But I think I'll share one with you anyway.

When I was in high school I took a summer job at a camp as an assistant sailing instructor (not as glamorous as it sounds). My job description involved cleaning the speedboat owned by one of the senior instructors and my official job title was "Hey you!". Suffice it to say, it was not a fun job.

Anywho, one day after all the kids went home, we realized that we were one buoy short of a full set. That's not a metaphor, we actually had a buoy that snapped its line and floated into the weeds near the shore of the lake, which prevented us from swimming out to get it. Since I was the designated bitch of the entire boathouse, it was my job to hop in a canoe and paddle out to retrieve the buoy. Unfortunately for me, most of the canoes were being repainted and the only one left was the one with a fist-sized hole in the bow. I figured the hole was high enough that it wouldn't let any water in. Silly me for not remembering that boats in the water drop several inches down when you put water in them. The canoe immediately filled with water and sank the moment I sat in it.

Luckily I was only a few feet from shore so I was able to drag the heavy canoe up on the beach and tip all the water out.

Posted by mightysamurai | May 31, 2007 5:21 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 17:21

A Recovering Liberal

Sometimes, it takes a woman to do something correctly. Ahem.

Posted by A Recovering Liberal | May 31, 2007 6:25 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 18:25

Hardliner

I think I'm in love. *grin*

:-P

Posted by Hardliner | May 31, 2007 8:10 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 20:10

Haverwilde

I hope you send a bill to the rental company. With the manual labor and the technical engineering design involved, the bill ought to be sizeable.

Posted by Haverwilde | May 31, 2007 9:41 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 21:41

Brian_Thorn

Two words for your Miss Rachel:

Dutch Drains

Have fun ;)!

Posted by Brian_Thorn | May 31, 2007 10:35 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 22:35

Lance de Boyle

Is that a dead squirrel leaning on the post on the porch?

It looks like a dead squirrel.

It could be a live squirrel merely resting, for all I know.

Still, what is a dead squirrel doing on the porch?

Posted by Lance de Boyle | June 1, 2007 2:06 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 02:06

Pat Berry

Decomposing, Lance. (Duh.)

Posted by Pat Berry | June 1, 2007 8:28 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 08:28

WayneB

And you keep saying you're dumb. Hah!

When I moved into my new house a few years ago, the yard behind the house had no drainage. It didn't bother the house, which is raised above the yard by a minimum of 6-8 inches, but it left puddles in the yard, and the sidewalk would get covered about 2 inches deep.

I had next to no tools, so I went out in the rain one evening and started digging a ditch using a hoe. It actually worked fairly well, because of the ground being so wet. The only problem I ran into is that the clay soil there is stickier than wet taffy. At one point, I was trying to move to my next spot and got overbalanced before I was able to pull my boot out of the mud (even though it was only about an inch deep into the mud), so down I went, full layout into the mud, one boot still stuck, with my foot out of it. I nearly choked myself I was laughing so hard. I looked kinda like a statue when I got up, because I was covered in clay. Too bad we didn't have a camera handy.

Posted by WayneB | June 1, 2007 10:11 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 10:11

pete in Midland

besides dutch drains, you could have them do what we do in the pastures that drain poorly. Trench to low spot/street/drain; corrugated pipe (commonly called 'tiling'); connect pipe to gutter downspout; fill in trench.
Much easier than putting in a dutch drain after the foundation has been substantially buried.
Of course, it sounds like you have a real problem if the ground slopes towards, rather than from, the foundation.

Posted by pete in Midland | June 1, 2007 10:12 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 10:12

anotheKevin

Dear Rachel:

If you had to up and move to another part of the country, where would you go, and how would you do it?

Posted by anotheKevin | June 1, 2007 10:15 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 10:15

Pat Berry

Dear Rachel: At the risk of sounding like a creepy stalker, is there an online photo of you that's more up-to-date than this one?

Posted by Pat Berry | June 1, 2007 11:08 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 11:08

Dede Bright

Hey, Rachel!

Tell us how you feel about those erectile dysfunction/male enhancement ads. I suspect you could express your views far better than I.

Posted by Dede Bright | June 1, 2007 11:58 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 11:58

pbmaltzman

Yikes... for doing that kind of maintenance work, you should get a sizable discount on rent!!

Posted by pbmaltzman | June 1, 2007 1:20 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 13:20

FWGMills

Someone mentioned a Dutch Drain...never heard of it. My house, which is in Arlington and at the bottom of a slope, has French Drains. All my gutters empty into the drainpipes underground and there are a few drains in the back and side yards. As long as you clean them out once a year, no flooding. Email me for pics and more info.

Posted by FWGMills | June 1, 2007 3:43 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 15:43

Milton

I was just reading your thoughts again and really appreciated that you dug your own trench without calling in some help. Your new boyfriend seems to have hit the jackpot.

Posted by Milton | June 1, 2007 9:51 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 21:51

Rachel Lucas

I need French drains SO BAD it's not even funny! You guys are totally right. But I'm renting this place only for a year, so screw it. If the owner wants to turn this house into a sodden disaster, that's his problem. Hmph.

To answer some questions:
That's not a SQUIRREL, ya goofs. It's a FROG.

If I had to move to another part of the country, it'd be Austin, not that that's all that different from where I live now, but I've lived in enough places (Midwest, East Coast) to know that they're all pretty much the same. If I had my druthers, I'd move to Europe. I'd put up with all those sissypants socialists just to be able to spend a few years seeing all the historical stuff over there.

There aren't any other photos of me online that I know of, thank god. But I do have some more recent ones and will put one in the sidebar ASAP. I really am a grown woman. I swear.

Posted by Rachel Lucas | June 2, 2007 10:48 AM

Posted on June 2, 2007 10:48

Pandora

This is a test.

Posted by Pandora | June 2, 2007 2:01 PM

Posted on June 2, 2007 14:01

Pandora

And, YEA!, it worked! Thanks, Rachel. %^&*@# typekey.

Posted by Pandora | June 2, 2007 2:02 PM

Posted on June 2, 2007 14:02

andreaSF

Ah, come on. you can be as lazy as f..k and still, when an outside force comes in to ruin your cluttered messy crap, woe be unto it, you will defeat and drive out that which will invade your cave.

Posted by andreaSF | June 3, 2007 12:59 AM

Posted on June 3, 2007 00:59