Dear Rachel (Thursday Edition) (Rachel Lucas)

Dear Rachel (Thursday Edition)

I seriously am going to answer every single question. Keep 'em coming. This saves me from having to think up my own topics.

Zeke asks: "Dear Rachel, Two questions. #1. Ketchup, Heinz or Hunts? #2. Peanut butter, Jiff or Skippy?"

Dear Zeke,
Heinz has the best bottles. Jiff PB because the word "skippy" gives me bad feelings.

Hurricane Mikey asks: "Dear Rachel, Name 5 people you wish would fall off into obscurity (or die in a fiery crash, you choose) and we'd never hear about again. I know you could name fifty without breaking a sweat, but you only get five."

Dear Mikey,
Well, there's a difference between who I wish would die in a fire (figuratively of course) and who I would like the world to never hear about again. For example, I have extreme ill will against Michael Moore; however, his biography would be instructive to future generations, i.e., What Happens When a Genius is Also an Asshole. So let's go with only those individuals who, upon their demise, we should all forget ever existed:
1. Paris Hilton. Don't expose your skin to anything she has sat on, because she has 14 different venereal diseases and doesn't wear panties. And yet she has $14 million more dollars than me. The world is not right.
2. Lindsey Lohan. One day, this worthless hack will kill someone in a drunk-driving incident. I hope it's herself but that's probably hoping for too much; it'll be some poor innocent child. Just watch.
3. My white trash neighbor with the five obnoxious children and the big blue pickup truck with yellow racing stripes.
4. Tom Cruise. I just don't get it - are there really women out there who think he's sexy? Really???
5. Sanjaya Malakar. This kid has less charm, charisma, and talent than the dump my dog Digger took at sunrise today.

Rickl asks: "Dear Rachel, So is it Lucas/Whittle or Whittle/Lucas in '08?"

Dear Rickl,
Whittle/Lucas. I wouldn't be able to win in the top slot because people are already sick of having a dumb, lazy president from Texas.

Angus L. asks: "Dear Rachel, Do you have to fight for cool sheets with Digger and Sunny? Or do they respect your space on the bed?"

Dear Angus,
The thought of allowing those two fur-covered stinkbombs in my bed makes me almost faint from nausea. Have I mentioned they each weigh 90 pounds and that Digger is a Master of Farts? Hell I don't even let them in my bedroom at night, I'd never sleep with all the racket: Sunny snarfing and snorting and licking herself, Digger passing gas like a field cow, both of them constantly grunting and making little doggie sounds all the livelong night. It's just uncivilized. So they sleep outside my door in the hallway or in the living room on their cute little stinky doggie beds and I get my sheets all to myself nice 'n' proper.

Philmon asks: "Dear Rachel, I understand you've been developing a taste for tequila. Is this just any tequila or do you have a favorite or a couple of favorites? Would giving tequila to Bin Laden be considered torture since it is apparently against his religion to drink it, or would it instead likely lead to some form of enlightenment on his part?"

Dear Philmon,
El Jimador reposado, baby! If I'm feeling frisky, I go for Tres Generaciones. Giving tequila to Bin Laden would be wrong, because one shouldn't waste perfectly good booze on a monkey. No, to appropriately torture Bin Laden, I'd use Bud Light, Urine of Champions. Goes great with infidel pork!

James asks: "Dear Rachel, If you were being interviewed by a major media organisation (I’m not sure which one you would choose in the US, but the equivalent of the BBC over here) about your blog and blogging experiences, what question would you like them to ask you and what would your answer be?"

Dear James,
I would like them to ask me about how I invented the word 'asshat', so that I could explain that I didn't. I think my karma's out of whack because so many people believe I coined that word, and the guy who really did gets no credit. I saw it the first time in a Fark forum, for the record. I keep telling people I'm not very smart or creative, maybe someday they'll believe me.

Phineas G. asks: "Dear Rachel, What the hell is wrong with people who think it's acceptable to put Miracle Whip on a sandwich, much less in slaw? Follow up: Once you're supreme leader of the planet what will the punishment be for someone who puts Miracle Whip in slaw?"

Dear Phineas,
There are several things wrong with those people, my friend, things that only a good psychiatrist could repair. Personally, I think the stuff tastes like poo. When I am supreme leader of the planet, there won't be a need for punishment for its use, because I will ban its production altogether. That, and fat-free ranch dressing. Also iceberg lettuce.

Posted on May 31, 2007 10:48 AM | Permalink

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Comments (15)

Cyberjag

Dear Rachel,

Who do you think the Angry Left should focus on when Bush is no longer in office, and why?

Posted by Cyberjag | May 31, 2007 11:26 AM

Posted on May 31, 2007 11:26

Page

Dear Rachel,

Of the two most love liberal lardasses, who do you think would win a hot dog eating contest: Michael Moore or Rosie O'Donnell (forgetting, of course, that Rosie tends to shy away from sausages)? Also, approximately how long afterwards do you think they would keel over from a heart attack?

Posted by Page | May 31, 2007 12:04 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 12:04

Chinny

Rachel

It's good to have you back and I hope your here for a long time to come.

A couple of questions for you...

Cindy Sheehan? Why does the MSM have a love affair with this "person"?

And, is her 15 minutes of fame up?

How's your thumb?

Do you brush Digger & Sunny's teefus'?

My vet has been trying to convince me to do this for my Doggers and I'm having enough trouble keeping mine clean.

I just keep thinking about how I would explain that to my grandfather! "What are you? Nuts? Brushing a Dogs' teeth?"

Next we'll need Ritalin for the dogs.

Posted by Chinny | May 31, 2007 12:15 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 12:15

Troll King

Nice that you're back.

Posted by Troll King | May 31, 2007 1:38 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 13:38

Lance de Boyle

Dear Rachel,

In your opinion, just HOW much wood WOULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?

The answer to this question has evaded some of the best minds in the country.

I was figuring that if anyone knew the answer, it might as well be you.

Posted by Lance de Boyle | May 31, 2007 2:09 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 14:09

MarkD

You've got my vote for Supreme Leader, but I think you are too kind. Judging by the smell, poo must have some sort of flavor.

Miracle Whip is more like salad oil with a shot of white paint for color, and maybe a little salt.

Posted by MarkD | May 31, 2007 2:17 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 14:17

Daddyquatro

Whew!
I'm glad I got the real Kraft Mayo.
The slaw was excellent, by the way.
However, after your lovely picture and admonition not to "Cut my damn finger off!" I was a little more timid with the knife than I otherwise might have been, so the slaw was a bit more chunky than I like it

Posted by Daddyquatro | May 31, 2007 2:28 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 14:28

mightysamurai

Dear Rachel,

Who would win in a fight? Pirates or ninjas?

Posted by mightysamurai | May 31, 2007 5:35 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 17:35

Mrs. Who

You may not have invented the term 'asshat', but you certainly honed its use to an art form in and of itself.

Posted by Mrs. Who | May 31, 2007 6:19 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 18:19

HurricaneMikey

Dear Rachel--

Since you're a fan of tequila and American Idol, have you ever thought of playing the drinking game where every time Randy Jackson calls somebody 'dawg', you have to take a shot?

You will be drunk and passed out, with Digger and Sunny happily lapping up your puke before the credits roll.

Know what I mean, Dawg?

Hurricane Mikey

Posted by HurricaneMikey | May 31, 2007 7:59 PM

Posted on May 31, 2007 19:59

Jim Armstrong

You'll get my Miracle Whip when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers! Ain't nothing better on a turkey sandwich.

Hey, put down that knife. Help! Help...

Posted by Jim Armstrong | June 1, 2007 8:12 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 08:12

Elijah

Dear Rachel,

Does this sound excite you as much as it does most men? If so, is the experience enhanced by the fact that it would send the nearest AGW nutter catatonic?

Posted by Elijah | June 1, 2007 8:24 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 08:24

Keith

Dear Rachel,

Given the near-limitless capacity for human stupidity, what horrendously stupid things have you recently observed in your particular metro area?

Keith

Posted by Keith | June 1, 2007 8:33 AM

Posted on June 1, 2007 08:33

donbodell

Dear Rachel--

Did you know that a synonym for "Piquant" is pungent, according to Merriam at Webster dic?

See:

http://meriamwebster.com/dictionary/piquant

What does that say about hippies? Oh, sorry, that's 2 questions.

Posted by donbodell | June 22, 2007 12:31 PM

Posted on June 22, 2007 12:31

Annie

On my quest to know all things Rachel as I lurk on your blog daily, I was hit up with this 8 fact game. I must share the love and hope that you post your randomness!!

GAME ON!!

Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.
Here are my 8 random facts:

1. I’m terrified of spiders and allergic to their bites…even the tiny pepper flake sized ones.
2. I wasn’t sure about settling in to the church we’ve been attending until I found out that the pastor likes guns and is working on getting his concealed permit.
3. I’m a sucker for puppies.
4. I can surf.
5. I’ve been on TV.
6. I love to play cards.
7. I never take off my grandma’s engagement ring.
8. Annie is a variation of my middle name by which I am called.

People I tagged
Shirley
Nikole
Lindsay
Krissie
Ree
Mcb
Rachel Lucas
Gus

Posted by Annie | July 2, 2007 8:27 PM

Posted on July 2, 2007 20:27