A friend I email often tells me that my emails are better than my blog posts. Thanks, buddy. But she had a good point, which was that I am not creative, but rather, I do my best monkey-typing-rants when asked a specific question. She also says it makes her giggle most when I give my pell-mell, frequently poorly thought-out advice. So I think I may start a new blog category called Dear Rachel, in which I will imperiously hand down my judgments and opinions on whatever anyone asks me. No subject is too complex for me! That is a lie. I must remind you that I'm not all that bright.
So put some questions in the comments. Do it!
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Already have a couple of queries, and I am in a MOOD, so here:
Elijah asks: "Dear Rachel, Why do moonbats keep believing their drivel?"
Dear Elijah,
What you have here is a situation much like the one that goes on in my backyard on rare but revolting occasions: Digger vomits and Sunny eats it...and LOVES it. It's easy. All she has to do is slurp it up - no chewing, no thinking, just gobble gobble gobble. Just like Rosie O'Donnell, the human version of Sunny: obese, slowminded, and a lover of regurgitated garbage.
Pat Berry asks: "Dear Rachel, What six things annoy you the most and why? (Feel free to substitute any other number for six as needed.)"
Dear Pat,
Six is a nice number, round on the bottom and slender on top. But I will give you four, even though there are approximately 4,281 things that annoy me the most.
1. Screaming women, such as at sports games or game shows. EEEEE!! EEEEEE!!! Are we monkeys? Screaming should be reserved for when you are about to die, no exceptions.
2. People who violate my personal imaginary force field of space surrounding me. If you're standing close enough to me in line so that any part of your body or belongings touch me, you are way too damn close. This is America, people. We have plenty of room.
3. People who won't shut up long enough to let anyone else talk. This should actually be #1. I hate it with the energy of all the stars in the universe. Especially when the mindbendingly infinite lecture is about something the listener obviously has ZERO interest in. For example, the only children on the face of this planet that I want to know any details about are my own niece and nephew. Not the son of a woman you work with who's having trouble in school. I really don't understand what's so difficult about this concept. Just. Shut. Up.
4. Country music. God how I hate modern popular country music. If given the choice between being covered in gravy and locked in a room with Michael Moore or watching a Toby Keith video, I would make right with jeebus in preparation for death and beg for the gravy. I'm almost serious, I hate Toby that much. What is WITH that freak and the people who love him? Am I supposed to find him attractive? Or talented? What kind of pact did he make with Satan is all I want to know.
Cybergjag asks, "Dear Rachel, What would your personal political party look like, and who would your nominee be for the 2008 election?"
Dear Cyberjag,
My personal political party would look like a bunch of Taco Bell-eating foulmouthed capitalists, just like me and definitely nothing like the existing parties, right or left. They'd implement a flat tax, eliminate handout programs for lazy people, legalize marijuana (I'm not a pothead, don't get excited - it just makes sense), and would keep their noses out of everybody's personal business. Of course it would never work, as we live in a nation of personal-responsibility-shirkers and too many people seem to have no idea how to make reasonable, sound decisions for themselves.
My nominee for the 2008 election would be me! Duh. I am 35 now, old enough to rule the planet. You think the Europeans hate us now? Imagine their spaz attack if I was president. I'd invade them all and turn them into colonies, baby! Nahh. Too much work. But hey. At least I'd pronounce "nuclear" correctly. (But if not me, then I like Fred Thompson.)
Fred Jameson asks: "Dear Rachel, Are you agnostic to shoot a handgun caliber other than .45, and is it sacrilege if you shoot your .45 in other than a 1911?"
Dear Fred,
I have absolutely no idea what that question means. I don't have a .45. I prefer .38 and 9 mm, and most of all my .22 pistol.
Keith asks: "Dear Rachel, why do you keep feeding the fart machines in your house?"
Dear Keith,
Because they would die if I didn't. Plus, Sunny has the most pathetic, soulcrushing "I-will-love-you-forever-if-you-give-me-a-pig-ear" face you have ever seen in your life. It's beyond my power to resist that face, my friend. It would be like withholding the breast from a newborn or stealing grandpa's dinner in the nursing home, THAT is how wrong Sunny makes it seem to deny her treats. I am a fool and I know it.
P.S. She's on a diet now and has already lost a couple of pounds.
P.P.S. Digger is actually the farter. He usually waits until his butt is as close to my face as possible, and his farts are always that most foul kind, the sort that sound like you're letting air slowly out of a balloon. Psssssssssssssphphlph. There's usually a wet sound to them, too. Absolutely enchanting.
Comments (21)
Why do moonbats keep believing their drivel?
Posted by Elijah![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 10:42 AM
Posted on May 29, 2007 10:42
Dear Rachel:
What six things annoy you the most and why? (Feel free to substitute any other number for six as needed.)
Yes, this is a transparent attempt to elicit some rants from you. I enjoy your rants.
Posted by Pat Berry![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 11:17 AM
Posted on May 29, 2007 11:17
What would your personal political party look like, and who would your nominee be for the 2008 election?
Posted by Cyberjag![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 11:47 AM
Posted on May 29, 2007 11:47
Are you agnostic to shoot a handgun caliber other than .45, and is it sacrilege if you shoot your .45 in other than a 1911 ?
Posted by Fred Jameson![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 12:06 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 12:06
Rachel, why do you keep feeding the fart machines in your house?
Posted by Keith![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 2:05 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 14:05
What brought you back to writing?
Posted by Dick![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 2:23 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 14:23
I dare not ask a question.
Posted by Scott Ott![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 2:40 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 14:40
Why do you use Typepad, the most annoying blogging platform out there. I just spent an hour trying to register again for the third time. I am happy that you obviously like it is bloody annoying and don't get me going on word verification. You have to have 20/50 eyesight to read it.
That said, lovely work.
Posted by clutterbells![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 3:02 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 15:02
Dear Rachel,
Do you still believe that Karl Urban (Eomer in LOTR) is the man of your dreams? Or has he been replaced?
Posted by Sparrow![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 3:52 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 15:52
Dear Rachel: So why don't you tell us how you "REALLY" feel about Rosie O'Donnell? (sorry, almost couldn't finish the question as I was concentrating on not throwing up at the sight of her name)
Posted by CatscapeBarb![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 4:58 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 16:58
Dear Rachel,
Will you accept Carbon Neutral as your personal Lord and Savior?
Posted by MartyK![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 6:07 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 18:07
So glad you are back. I don't have a blog myself, (too we-todd-did) but love reading them. My question is: Name one person that is better to be around than a dog(s)
Posted by wendy![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 6:16 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 18:16
Dear Rachel,
Two questions.
#1. Ketchup, Heinz or Hunts?
#2. Peanut butter, Jiff or Skippy?
Posted by zeke![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 6:52 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 18:52
Rachel--
Name 5 people you wish would fall off into obscurity (or die in a fiery crash, you choose) and we'd never hear about again. I know you could name fifty without breaking a sweat, but you only get five.
Mikey
Posted by HurricaneMikey![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 7:02 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 19:02
My nominee for the 2008 election would be me! Duh. I am 35 now, old enough to rule the planet. You think the Europeans hate us now? Imagine their spaz attack if I was president. I'd invade them all and turn them into colonies, baby! Nahh. Too much work. But hey. At least I'd pronounce "nuclear" correctly. (But if not me, then I like Fred Thompson.)
Works for me. So is it Lucas/Whittle or Whittle/Lucas in '08? Either would be a vast improvement over whatever we're likely to get.
Posted by rickl![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 9:12 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 21:12
Rachel, I haven't laughed that hard in weeks!
Posted by Elijah![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 9:41 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 21:41
Dear Rachel,
Do you have to fight for cool sheets with Digger and Sunny? Or do they respect your space on the bed?
Posted by Angus L.![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 29, 2007 10:50 PM
Posted on May 29, 2007 22:50
Which type of rawhides do Digger and Sunny prefer? the ones shaped like a bone or in sheets?
Posted by Poul D'eau![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 31, 2007 1:52 PM
Posted on May 31, 2007 13:52
Dear Rachel,
What happened to all of your old blog archives? You had a lot of really good material back then...
Posted by BingoFuel![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 31, 2007 2:03 PM
Posted on May 31, 2007 14:03
If I could wave a magic wand and have a plate of Bar-B-Que appear in front of you...what would be on that plate, and what would you drink to wash it all down?
Posted by texascarl![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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June 1, 2007 11:08 PM
Posted on June 1, 2007 23:08
Dear Rachel,
I'm totally with you on the hotness of Karl Urban as Eomer but am wondering if you have noticed the newer hotnesses that are Lucius Vorenus (Kevin McKidd) and Titus Pullo (Ray Stevenson) on HBO's now-cancelled series Rome?
Posted by nvsc![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rachellucas.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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June 11, 2007 9:46 PM
Posted on June 11, 2007 21:46