Dear Rachel, Bitchy and Hungry Edition (Rachel Lucas)

Dear Rachel, Bitchy and Hungry Edition

Cyberjag asks: "Dear Rachel, Who do you think the Angry Left should focus on when Bush is no longer in office, and why?"

Dear Cyberjag,
Me. Because I'd like more fun in my life, and nothing says 24-hour-a-day FUN! like having crazed assclowns focus all their little baby childhood rage on you for no reason other than you're smarter than them and they HATE YOU for it.

Page asks: "Dear Rachel, Of the two most loved liberal lardasses, who do you think would win a hot dog eating contest: Michael Moore or Rosie O'Donnell (forgetting, of course, that Rosie tends to shy away from sausages)? Also, approximately how long afterwards do you think they would keel over from a heart attack?"

Dear Page,
Rosie seems to me to be the type who prefers gorging herself on starchy foods, whereas Moore has "hot dog" written all over him. Speaking of, I caught a few minutes of Moore on Oprah the other day, talking about his new "documentary", and wow. It was hard to decide who to wish the worst death upon. Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate Oprah Winfrey? She's got to be the rudest, most self-absorbed interviewer EVER. I love how she stares at the camera while asking her guests questions; actually I think she's staring at herself in the monitor most of the time. God I want to punch her. Oh but this was about Rosie and Mike. I think Mike would win the sausage-binge but Rosie would be so overcome with hot, hot desire and just might have her first weiner ever (and I'm not talking about the Oscar Mayer). I dare you to picture it: Rosie and Mike, lovers. Oh, dear god.

Chinny asks: "Dear Rachel, Do you brush Digger & Sunny's teeth?"

Dear Chinny,
No I do not. I am a terrible dog owner. Actually my vet said that feeding them dental biscuits and not giving them soft food or kitchen treats is good enough, so I'm taking her word for it. You see, Digger has a serious attitude problem and DOES NOT LIKE having his mouth messed with. Sunny, on the other hand, is a big fat pathetic titty-baby and when you try to do ANYTHING to her entire body, including fur-brushing, bath-giving, ear-cleaning, eye booger removal, or god forbid brushing her teeth, she basically attempts to commit suicide by holding her breath and praying for the world to stop turning. But I do get their teeth checked often, and Digger has had a professional cleaning.

Lance de Boyle asks: "Dear Rachel, In your opinion, just HOW much wood WOULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? The answer to this question has evaded some of the best minds in the country. I was figuring that if anyone knew the answer, it might as well be you."

Dear Lance,
Heh. You said wood. Heheh.

Mightysamurai asks: "Dear Rachel, Who would win in a fight? Pirates or ninjas?"

Dear Mightysamurai,
Ninjas, no contest. The only pirates I've seen lately were homosexual, and also drunken. Yes it was a movie but still. Ninjas, on the other hand, are fucking ninjas! They will jump, kick, chop, slice, and beat your ass. Not yours personally.

HurricaneMikey asks: "Dear Rachel, Since you're a fan of tequila and American Idol, have you ever thought of playing the drinking game where every time Randy Jackson calls somebody 'dawg', you have to take a shot?"

Dear Hurricane Mikey,
If I did that, I'd be dead by now because it would call for approximately 71 shots of tequila in one hour. Speaking of corpulent people that I hate, add Randy to the list. Who decided this guy was qualified to be on my television? "Yo yo yo dawg, yeah, it was just a-ight. Just a-ight for me. It wasn't your greatest dawg but it was a-ight. I've worked with Whitney Houston." What???

Keith asks: "Dear Rachel, Given the near-limitless capacity for human stupidity, what horrendously stupid things have you recently observed in your particular metro area?"

Dear Keith,
Do you know what is really pissing me off lately? PEOPLE ARE SHITTY DRIVERS. My god, it's gotten bad. Maybe it's partly because half of the Metroplex is perpetually under "construction" but I think it's mostly because people just suck. It used to be that everyone drove too fast on the freeways, but now it seems like they're driving too damn slow. Why??? And the women on cell phones - don't even get me started. My favorite is people who use the left lane - clearly marked as FOR PASSING ONLY - to go 5-10 miles under the limit. I want to kill these idiots. There's also what I like to call the Double Asshole Formation - two drivers cruising down the freeway, both exactly at or below the speed limit, neither one ever passing the other and creating a huge clusterfuck of enraged drivers behind them.

Btfine asks: "Dear Rachel, I saw this bumper sticker today: 'While we advance in technology, we lack humanity'. Could you tell me what inspires someone to plaster something so mindbendingly stupid on their Ford Taurus? I've been trying to figure it out all day."

Dear Btfine,
These particular individuals are the perfect definition of 'asshat', meaning they have their head so deeply lodged into their ass that their ass has, in fact, become a hat. Personally, I think they need to be locked in a room with the written history of the world and not be allowed back out until they have grasped the simple fact that technology has been the greatest thing to happen to humanity since we started existing. Do these people have any fucking clue what daily life was like for humans before technology? Not very nice, my friends. Not very nice at all. I think it's all about Maslow's heirarchy of needs: technology has made it possible for vastly larger proportions of humanity to achieve anything beyond the lowest four tiers. I realize the assertion can be made that pre-technological societies often did manage to have plenty of spare time on their hands throughout the year, but how can you possibly ever achieve enlightenment or self-actualization if your lifespan is about 30 years?

I think technology makes us MORE human as time goes on. Like Labrat said in the comments after this question, it's what makes it possible for her to sit inside a comfy house hundreds or thousands of miles away from me, reading what I have to say. And that's just on a tiny, tiny scale. Before technology, all you had was your tiny little group, mostly related to you, and you'd never even KNOW of the existence of people more than a few hundred miles away, let alone know what they think or what they do. Isn't being human all about connecting with other humans, learning about the human condition and trying to figure out why we're here? Technology puts most of the humans on this planet within a click of each other, puts the entire known history of the universe right at your fingertips, makes it possible for you to live to be over 100 years old with a decent quality of life, it goes on and on. Honestly, I think technology puts us closer to God - or whatever you want to call it - not further away. Yeah, we also use it to kill each other, but hellloooooo? You wanna talk about killin'? Read some books about pre-literate/pre-technology societies. Shit, just read the Bible. Plenty of violence and murder and all manner of evildoing there, and last time I checked, very little technology.

Somewhere, somebody reading this is saying, all right woman, we get it; SHUT UP.

Beth asks: "Dear Rachel, Video-blogging/vlogging: Sign of the Apocalypse, or just a big (stupid) joke? And shouldn't there be auditions or something to see whether certain people are even allowed to video blog?"

Dear Beth,
It depends. Most videoblogs are absolutely painful to watch, but then again most blogs are painful to read. Like this one, today. But I can see some potential for them if used wisely. I've actually thought of posting videos of myself here just to see how much shame I can bring upon my house and family. Actually I mostly just want to prove that I don't have a southern accent as many assume.

Jerpod asks: "Dear Rachel, So what's your take on the Alabama kid who killed the big pig? And, whoa...I just discovered the kid and his quarry have their own web site. Check out the juxtaposition of the murder weapon, the kid and the skull...creepy!"

Dear Jerpod,
At first I was a little disturbed, because that pig looks exactly like Sunny. Seriously, she's THAT FAT. But then I was sad, because it sure does look like a lot of delicious wild pork will go to waste. Unless they drove the pig straight to the closest sausage factory. Yum. Again with the sausage. You people are making me hungry! I love sausage so much I'll even eat it in the form of a McDonald's Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McMuffin. Good lord, those are good when they're fresh and hot.

Okay I can't take it anymore. Time for lunch. And guess what it is: leftover barbecue chicken from Colter's last night. My super awesome perfect boyfriend and I decided it was a night for a light dinner, nothing too heavy or too hot as the weather has turned hatefully muggy lately, so we went to Colter's and stood there for five minutes staring rapturously at the menu on the wall. Actually he knew what he wanted - TURKEY! - but I couldn't bear to make a choice between chicken, ham, or brisket. I knew whichever one I didn't pick would be that much more delicious and I would never know it. So I went with my default dead animal of choice and ordered chicken. That's another one of my favorite words, by the way: chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Say it! Chicken and pickles.

Speaking of, have you ever had the fried pickles at Razzoo's cajun restaurant? Holy mother of Christ! Most delicious thing I've eaten an ill-advisedly-giant basket of in a very long time.

Posted on June 8, 2007 12:18 PM | Permalink

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Comments (31)

Stan Zara

If we are asking about a scenario in which a woodchuck would chuck wood, then presumably at the moment the woodchuck does not actually chuck any wood.

So why do we call him a woodchuck then?

Posted by Stan Zara | June 8, 2007 12:52 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 12:52

James

Dear Rachel,

Which blogs do you read? & Why do you not have any links to other blogs on your blog?

Posted by James | June 8, 2007 12:53 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 12:53

Sparrow

Dear Rachel,

What is up with all the Texas women who end up killing their children? Should Digger and Sunny be worried?

Posted by Sparrow | June 8, 2007 1:13 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 13:13

sarahk

Razzoos fried pickles! YESSSSSS! I LOVE THEM. Won't be able to have them once I finally get back to Texas, but heck, I'll learn how to make them even better so I can eat them. And the sauce they give you for them! Oh, here's a clue: next time you order them, ask them to also bring you some cherry dipping sauce (it comes with the fried shrimp, last I checked, many moons ago) in addition to the normal sauce. That cherry sauce is so yummy.

Posted by sarahk | June 8, 2007 1:47 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 13:47

LabRat

Unfortunately, that poor pig was somebody's pet about a week before the kid blew it away with the hand cannon.

No tasty wild pork there.

Posted by LabRat | June 8, 2007 1:55 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 13:55

A Recovering Liberal

Dear Rachel,

which would you choose at the fair this summer: deep-fried Twinkie, deep-fried Snickers or Krispy Kreme chicken sandwich with honey?

(My fave is the Snickers, although the others have their merits.)

Posted by A Recovering Liberal | June 8, 2007 1:56 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 13:56

Kat

I think Mike would win the sausage-binge but Rosie would be so overcome with hot, hot desire and just might have her first weiner ever (and I'm not talking about the Oscar Mayer). I dare you to picture it: Rosie and Mike, lovers. Oh, dear god.

O...M...G!!!!

Thank you so much for that visual - I think I need to go scrub my brain with bleach now... Gah!

And can you imagine what their spawn would be like?! Even if they only had one, it would probably drag the world's average IQ down about 20 points...

First time commenter, but you were one of the first blogs I read - welcome back!

Have a wonderful weekend, Rachel!

-- Kat
www.CatHouseChat.com

Posted by Kat | June 8, 2007 3:04 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 15:04

Kat

Oh, and... fried pickles????

What the HELL is up with that?!

-- Kat

Posted by Kat | June 8, 2007 3:14 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 15:14

apstile

Maybe I'm being too harsh, but it drives me freaking insane when people use their turn signals in a parking lot. This happens to me at Home Depot all the time. Some old guy wearing the huge sunglasses, driving a Buick LeSabre, decides to signal his turn into an aisle while trying to drive as slowly as possible without stalling. Gaaahhh!

Posted by apstile | June 8, 2007 3:31 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 15:31

The short answer is, "because they drive a Ford Taurus." That alone dooms them to a sad, unhappy life.

Posted by TL | June 8, 2007 3:51 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 15:51

Page

Thank you for the visual. I think it is going to be something like a National Geographic special about the Sea Cow mating season. *shivers*

We live in the same Metroples, and yes, the drivers are absolutely the armpit of humanity. What is even more fun is when there is water falling from the sky. Snow or rain? Doesn't matter, they WILL NOT go over 45. So I blow by them in my big gas-guzzling truck and nearly run them off the road because of the wave of water. Sucks for them. Learn to keep up.

I have not had the fried pickles, but I highly recommend the Rat Tails (I'm pretty sure thats what they are called). The jalapeños stuffed w/ crab meat and other non-healthy goodness. Bless that restaurant. Bless them.

Posted by Page | June 8, 2007 3:59 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 15:59

"And can you imagine what their spawn would be like?!"

Dear Kat,
Yes ... the 'wild' pig that Alabama kid killed.

Posted by gd | June 8, 2007 4:41 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 16:41

tedders

Oh, and... fried pickles????

What the HELL is up with that?!

-- Kat

Kat, this is the south. We fry everything!! Didn't you read about the fried Twinkies and Snickers at the Texas State Fair? If you like fried stuff on a stick, you're in luck, we have a fair every year! Y'all come on down!

"We use a kosher, dill spear. We dip them in a seasoned batter and fry them up in soy oil. They're very southern. You get five spears per order with a new, red-hot ranch dipping sauce," said Joe Bean, a vendor from Florida...

Simmah down now........

Posted by tedders | June 8, 2007 5:29 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 17:29

JohnS

Page: "So I blow by them in my big gas-guzzling truck and nearly run them off the road because of the wave of water. Sucks for them. Learn to keep up."

Used to stay at 45 in Michigan when the snow fell heavily, in my 4wd. Saw lots of folks fly by me (at least usually on the left, since I stayed right). Often saw them a mile or so later, spun out to the side.

Failing the sight of blood on the snow, I just drove by. The combination of capability and skill should not be substituted for judgment.

"Hey, let's be careful out there", as Sgt Phil would say.

Posted by JohnS | June 8, 2007 6:22 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 18:22

OBloodyHell

> Rosie tends to shy away from sausages

Actually, I believe she **loves** sausages. She just does not prefer them in the company of MEN. Just one of her many little peccadildos...

Posted by OBloodyHell | June 8, 2007 7:44 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 19:44

OBloodyHell

Lance:

The REAL question -- the one which has boggled philosophers for all the centuries since Sophocles first asked it (including such august personages as Isaac Newton, Pierre De Fermat, and Vaughn Sneederpicken der Volm), is:

"How much ground could a groundhog grind if a groundhog could grind ground?"

THIS question TRULY gets at the heart of the matter. I just thought it needed to be said.

Posted by OBloodyHell | June 8, 2007 7:51 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 19:51

OBloodyHell

> They will jump, kick, chop, slice, and beat your ass. Not yours personally.

Well, if they did, they might be confused with those damned gay pirates, correct?

Posted by OBloodyHell | June 8, 2007 7:53 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 19:53

OBloodyHell

> These particular individuals are the perfect definition of 'asshat', meaning they have their head so deeply lodged into their ass that their ass has, in fact, become a hat.

Rachel, this is, in fact, a recently identified medical condition which is even now struggling for recognition. The name of this condition is Cranio-Rectal Insertion Syndrome, or CRIS, for short.

CRIS has been identified as endemic to management personnel. In fact, the incidence is considered to be of crisis proportions, with 90% of all managers worldwide showing not less than 15 inches of insertion, which has been demonstrated to cause total ignorance of the world around them on every level.

There are strong suggestions that this condition has also become highly prevalent in most self-proclaimed "Liberals", especially those who self-identify with the Democratic Party. In some cases, in fact, the Libreals appear to have it much worse than the management types, demonstrating so much insertion that the head pops back out the top. Since this is mathematically impossible, there is apparently some odd sort of space-time warping going on, which leads to a total garbling of all information in and out, which explains much of the most erratic behavior.

Remember, though -- not all victims of CRIS are in fact sufferers of it. Family, friends, employees of those who have CRIS become its victims by association and the experience of the horror that is CRIS.

So please, please -- when someone comes to your door, asking for donations for the victims of CRIS, give -- and give generously! -- for you, too, are or will become a victim of CRIS in your lifetime, even if it's most likely by exposure and not personal experience.

Posted by OBloodyHell | June 8, 2007 8:07 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 20:07

sarahk

tedders, no no no. Fried pickle spears are way too greasy. The slices are what you want.

Posted by sarahk | June 8, 2007 9:14 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 21:14

mightysamurai

My question got answered!

Yay me! Boo everyone else!

Posted by mightysamurai | June 8, 2007 9:21 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 21:21

Rick C

I've been living in the Metroplex several months now and you people from here who think this is full of bad drivers don't know what you're talking about. Go to Tampa, or, heaven help you, Miami, and you'll see what bad driving is.

Posted by Rick C | June 8, 2007 9:24 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 21:24

FozzieBear

Dear Rachel,
This is Lance's Dad [Just call me "Pop"]. Since you seem adept at fielding technical questions re woodchucks, I was jest hoping you could tell me once and for all: Who did put the ram in the rama-lama ding-dong? Been bugging the hell outta me for decades, I'm tellin' ya. What a hilarious post.

Posted by FozzieBear | June 8, 2007 9:30 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 21:30

Tuning Spork

Rachel, that's the Sausage McMuffin With Egg, and you are correct. They are soooo gooood when they're fresh and hot. I also like the Sausage Egg And Cheese McGriddle, but not as much. Or the Big Breakfast. Don't care for McDonald's lunch and dinner menu, but they do do breakfast pretty goodly.

Posted by Tuning Spork | June 8, 2007 11:19 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 23:19

sarahk

FozzieBear, it's the same guy who put the bomp in the bomp-da-bomp-da-bomp. Duh.

Posted by sarahk | June 8, 2007 11:20 PM

Posted on June 8, 2007 23:20

JohnS

OBloodyHell, would that be the origin of "Oh, for CRISsake...." ?

Posted by JohnS | June 9, 2007 1:57 AM

Posted on June 9, 2007 01:57

MorrisAO

"I dare you to picture it: Rosie and Mike, lovers."

Gaaah!! Thanks a lot! - that image has put me on an involuntary diet for the next day or two.

Posted by MorrisAO | June 9, 2007 3:18 AM

Posted on June 9, 2007 03:18

R.L. Hunter

ditto here Morris I had to use a couple of gallon of this http://www.pacificnet.net/%7Ejoelinux/mental_bleach.png

Posted by R.L. Hunter | June 9, 2007 8:52 AM

Posted on June 9, 2007 08:52

mightysamurai

Who did put the ram in the rama-lama ding-dong?

The second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Posted by mightysamurai | June 9, 2007 11:55 AM

Posted on June 9, 2007 11:55

mhuete

Rachel,

Nice to have you back. You are a hoot.

I was once the proud owner of one of your "Imagine No Liberals" coffee mugs - "was" because I dropped it onto a hard surface and discovered that they do break. ratz.

Anyway, sorry to hear that the marriage did not work. Perhaps a contributing factor was that I, and so many other men, have the hots for you. Pix, please.

And, strange as the juxtaposition may be, I am sorry to read about the crazy guy who stalked you.

mike

Posted by mhuete | June 11, 2007 6:21 AM

Posted on June 11, 2007 06:21

WayneB

Maybe I'm being too harsh, but it drives me freaking insane when people use their turn signals in a parking lot.

I don't know where you are, but in Kentucky, you're supposed to use your signals anywhere you are turning, including parking lots. They will take points off your driving test here if you don't.

Oh, yes, and *thank* you, Rachel, for that horrendous visual of Rosie and Mikey. I'm heading over to Misha's for B.C. patented brain bleach right now.

Posted by WayneB | June 11, 2007 12:05 PM

Posted on June 11, 2007 12:05

zukworld

Of course, the answer to the woodchuck chucking capacity question is "A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck COULD chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood."

Now try to type that 6 times fast!

Posted by zukworld | June 11, 2007 2:35 PM

Posted on June 11, 2007 14:35