Dear Rachel (Friday Edition) (Rachel Lucas)

Dear Rachel (Friday Edition)

Kenny asks: "Dear Rachel, what are your thoughts on the retirement of the Cindy "Queen of Moonbats" Sheehan?"

Dear Kenny,
I thought she came back? I haven't paid attention. If it is true that she's "retiring" from whatever exactly it was she was doing - mostly bringing attention to the apocalyptic misguidance of the anti-war left - then good. I almost went down to Crawford one weekend while she was there a couple of years ago but I knew it would only end badly because I'd probably get arrested for calling her an attention whore. Plus it was very hot outside and I'm a wimp.

Esgaroth asks: "Dear Rachel, if you were able to plan your ideal fashion wardrobe (perfect jeans for your body shape included) - what style would you favor the most? Do you have a particular retro style that you like best?"

Dear Esgaroth,
I like pretty stuff but not frilly, such as shirts that look like they were made for a female but not covered in flowers and lacy shit. I like tight jeans but not TOO tight, this isn't the early 70's. I HATE boot-cut and flare jeans, but these new "skinny" jeans are all wrong, too - they bunch up at your ankles unless you're six feet tall. But hell, I don't know anything about fashion; I just like nice simple clothes that fit and make me look like a hetero girl. (No flannel or plaid.) I'm not a huge fan of Jennifer Aniston but if I had to point at a style and say it's my favorite, it'd be hers.

My loving brother Rick asks: "Dear Rachel, Will you come over and mow my lawn? There's an Alexander Hamilton in it for ya. I might even let you shoot the pellet rifle again too."

Dear Rick,
We've met, right? You of all people know what a lazy little baby I am about yard work. It's a reaction to all those Sundays in Missouri when it seemed like the day would never, ever end with all the yard chores. I was so glad I was the youngest and a runt, because Dad always made you and Becki do all the serious labor. Haha. I got to haul around twigs and rake leaves with my little junior-sized rake. HAHAHA. Good times, good times. Besides, I am abjectly terrified of lawnmowers and all the terrible things they can do to your extremities. But I'm assuming you are JOKING anyway. I know for a fact you're surrounded by hoardes of illegal immigrants....help them achieve the American Dream! Hey maybe we hang out tomorrow night or next weekend? I've got a hot date tonight with my awesome new boyfriend.

Am I actually communicating with my brother through my blog? Yes I am. That is just how goddamn lazy I am.

Actually dear readers, I'm not that lazy today, just busy at that nasty level where you literally cannot BELIEVE how quickly time passes. I've been up since 6:30 a.m. and have only scraped the surface of all the shit I have to accomplish by 5 p.m. I don't know why I keep agreeing to do extra work, well except for the extra money, but sheesh. I gotta do 3 more hours of work, wash my hair, shave my legs, launder my clothes, drop off the rent check, take the dogs to my ex's house, have a huge fight with AT&T about my incorrect bill, and are your eyes rolled up in the back of your head yet? This is worse than catblogging. I know! I have no control over myself.

I'll be lucky if I eat lunch today. Mmmmm....Taco Bell? Oh hell yes. Do you want to know what is absolutely disgusting in theory but so very delicious in reality? The #7 combo: Crunchy beef taco and chicken or steak quesadilla, washed down with a DNA-altering bucket of Pepsi. Oh my god. Something so wrong shouldn't taste so good. But it does....it does.

Posted on June 1, 2007 12:16 PM | Permalink

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Comments (17)

mixdup

Rachel,
Ahhhh yes. Yardwork in Missouri-humidity of 150%, huge-ass mosquitos, evil chiggers. Good times. At least you had siblings- as an only I did all the yardwork. Love your rants.
Tomi

Posted by mixdup | June 1, 2007 1:41 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 13:41

btfine

Ive never posted here before, but im a fan, and i have a question for you.

I saw this bumper sticker today:

"while we advance in technology, we lack humanity".

Could you tell me what inspires someone to plaster something so mindbendingly stupid on their ford taurus?

I've been trying to figure it out all day.

Posted by btfine | June 1, 2007 2:44 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 14:44

margilowry

Ohmigod. Your "boring" posts are better than a lot of others' "interesting" ones.

Yeah. I fawn. So what?

P.S. I sent you e-mail. I'm sure it's buried under the thousands of penis enlargement offers.

Posted by margilowry | June 1, 2007 2:45 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 14:45

gregopad39

I saw a bumper sticker the other day - though NOT on a Ford Taurus...

Simply :

Guns kill people in the same way spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.

Posted by gregopad39 | June 1, 2007 3:43 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 15:43

Beth

Dear Rachel,

Video-blogging/vlogging: Sign of the Apocalypse, or just a big (stupid) joke?

And shouldn't there be auditions or something to see whether certain people are even allowed to video blog?

Posted by Beth | June 1, 2007 5:52 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 17:52

blacktygrrrr

Hello.

I would consider it a privilege if you would add my blog www.blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com to your list of links if you feel the quality is high.

Happy June.

eric

Posted by blacktygrrrr | June 1, 2007 5:57 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 17:57

Birdman

I'm really enjoying the "new Rachel," but I just know there've got to be some anti-asshat rants deep down in your keyboard. Any chance you'll take a look back at how the world changed during your blog-hiatus?

Posted by Birdman | June 1, 2007 6:46 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 18:46

rickl

Anyone who can dig a new drainage system around her house during a downpour is not "lazy".

Posted by rickl | June 1, 2007 7:12 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 19:12

rickl

Then again, water inside the house does tend to concentrate the mind.

Posted by rickl | June 1, 2007 7:14 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 19:14

Hardliner

Taco Bell?

heh. I feel sorry for your b/f... Phew!

;-P

It may not affect you, like it does me. I'm not much of person to be around, when I eat that stuff... kind of like when I eat white castle.... :)

Posted by Hardliner | June 1, 2007 7:28 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 19:28

LabRat

I so completely and utterly do not get people who think technology is not only seperate from humanity, but actively antithetical to it.

HELLO? We've based our entire SPECIES on technology. It's why I'm sitting inside reading the words of a woman who lives hundreds of miles from me while my spouse fries chicken in pig fat even though we don't live on a farm.

Look at the damned internet- we took something that was invented by the Department of Defense for backup communication and now most of it is porn and gossip.

How much more human can you get?

Posted by LabRat | June 1, 2007 8:52 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 20:52

Dana

Dear Rachel
Dear Dear Dear Rachel
I'd write a poem if I had any talent

Are you mad? Diving back in this interweb thing?

You know a lot of people read this, I enjoy the comments your posts generate as much as your posts. Kudos to the usual suspects (you know who you are) ;-)

Dana

Posted by Dana | June 1, 2007 10:02 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 22:02

este

Dear Rachel,
Taco bell??!!
That stuff is swill! I ordered some kind of pomexitatos or whatever they call them there once expecting a delicious crunchy Taco Time tater tot like experience and instead got a diced baked potato. I hucked them at the dog in the back seat and he gave me the same look I got from him on our return trip from the neuter doc.
There's only two ways to eat spuds, whole or mashed....or tater tot/Mexifri like.....I guess diced is good in potato salad...ok three or four.
I think you get my point!

Which is that Taco Time is better....than Taco Bell that is.
What kind of tequila do you drink again?

Posted by este | June 1, 2007 11:59 PM

Posted on June 1, 2007 23:59

jerpod

So what's your take on the Alabama kid who killed the big pig?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,275524,00.html

And, whoa...I just discovered the kid and his quarry have their own web site: http://www.monsterpig.com/. Check out the juxtaposition of the murder weapon, the kid and the skull...creepy!

Posted by jerpod | June 2, 2007 12:33 AM

Posted on June 2, 2007 00:33

Cybrludite

Well, if you're stuck for a topic, you could always try explaning dress sizes...

Posted by Cybrludite | June 2, 2007 7:32 AM

Posted on June 2, 2007 07:32

sarahk

I'ma tell you the same thing I tell Frank every time he wants to go to Taco Bell. Taco Bueno is sooooo much better. And you have it there, we don't have it here. And yo, you have Chipotle! What the dealio? That's not a question for Ask Rachel, it's rhetorical, but feel free to answer if you want. I'm not really waiting to see what the dealio, though. I have a realtor coming in two hours.

Posted by sarahk | June 2, 2007 8:59 AM

Posted on June 2, 2007 08:59

Lionstone

Dear Rachel,
Why do "trendy" Mexican restaraunts feel the need to put fruit on all their tacos? Are they aliens disguised as Mexicans? Are they Californians disguised as Mexicans?

Posted by Lionstone | June 2, 2007 6:43 PM

Posted on June 2, 2007 18:43