My kitchen smells like pickles. (Rachel Lucas)

My kitchen smells like pickles.

I had a craving for some sweet dill pickles the other day so decided to open the new jar of said delicious treats that was in my fridge. But the lid was melded to the jar with some sort of spaceglue from another galaxy and wouldn't open. My desire for juicy vinegary crunchiness was so great that I knew I'd probably end up bleeding to death on the kitchen floor because I would stop at nothing to open that godforsaken jar, including bashing it against the countertop until it broke. How many times must I remind you I'm not very bright.

Don't worry, I didn't actually BASH the jar against anything, but I did lose all sense of time and space and position of objects in my fog of pickle need: I gripped the jar with all my strength and twisted with the might of a gladiator until that lid came off. Unfortunately, I did so while holding the jar horizontally, and I was applying so much force that the lid basically exploded off in one direction while the jar launched in the opposite direction, thus sending all of the pickles and all of the delicious drinkable juice in a rapidly expanding outward spherical array.

What I am trying to tell you is that yes, yes I did get to eat some pickles, but only after wiping off all of the pickle juice covering my face, my arms, my hair, the countertop, the cabinets, the side and front of the fridge, and the floor, and rinsing off the few salvagable pickles that weren't on the floor too long. Days have now passed and my kitchen still smells like a pickle factory; possibly because I just discovered two sad little dried-up pickles under the fridge.

You know, pickle is a wonderful word. Pickle. Pickle. Say it out loud; it's fantastic.

Posted on June 4, 2007 11:00 PM | Permalink

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Comments (26)

alienhunter

the evil packaging companies do seem to trying to protect our consumer goods from nuclear weapons, these days.....

Posted by alienhunter | June 5, 2007 12:20 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 00:20

este

Drinkable pickle juice?......Euwww.

Posted by este | June 5, 2007 12:34 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 00:34

Stephen_M

Snorkel

Posted by Stephen_M | June 5, 2007 12:43 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 00:43

Adrian

You cleaned the juice and pickles off the floor yourself? Years of hilarious dog stories, and you have yet to figure out perhaps the single greatest benefit of canine ownership? Heck, don't tell my mom, but I haven't used a vacuum for years. Sandwich crumbs, dropped cold cuts, overturned mayonaise jars, little bits of styrofoam, whatever - just point and say, "Eat!" They'll love you forever for it, and they're more thorough and dedicated than the most expensive of hoovers. The only catch is, if it is something especially gross, make sure to let them out soon afterwards so they can throw up on the mean neighbor's lawn, not your kitchen floor (though, if the worst happens, you know how to clean it up - bit of a vicious circle there, actually). So, c'mon, put Sunny and Digger to work!

Posted by Adrian | June 5, 2007 6:42 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 06:42

otcconan

Sadly, this fact is true: women can NOT open pickle jars. It is not genetically possible. I do not no why this is the case, but it is.

I have watched my mom, my sister, my girlfriend, assorted aunts and family friends attempt to open pickle jars, none successfully. All women. Some larger than I am. And I'm not a big man. But for some reason, men have gripping strength that women do not.

It has nothing to do with the strength of your arms but with your ability to grip things with force. Men have this and women do not. I won't make the easy sexual inference here; it's just a fact. I can open any jar I choose.

In short, you should have called your boyfriend and he would have done in 3 seconds what you botched horribly.

Posted by otcconan | June 5, 2007 7:31 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 07:31

sarahk

I'm curious about the "sweet dill" thing. They're usually sweet or they're dill. And they are wonderful either way.

Posted by sarahk | June 5, 2007 9:25 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 09:25

Poodle_Mom

I can relate to the need for a pickle! Oh you haven't lived until you have a shot of pickle juice! But be prepared for your significant other, in my case, police sergeant boyfriend, to look at you in utter bewilderment followed up by the words, "You ain't right."

And yes, poodles are in fact dogs though they themselves are oblivious to that fact.

Posted by Poodle_Mom | June 5, 2007 9:29 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 09:29

Alexander

Unfortunately, I've done that once, though with not such hilariously slapstick results. I didn't realize I was holding it horizontal until the top popped, but it just managed to drench my crotch in cold pickle juice before I righted it.

I'm sure that's the segue to, I don't know, sixty three or so lewd jokes.

Here's another pickle misadventure for you. Ever brush your teeth and then drink orange juice? That'll ruin your day.
Well, don't eat a pickle and then drink coffee either. I damn near killed me. It's hard to explain how such a thing would happen, so I won't bother.

Posted by Alexander | June 5, 2007 10:28 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 10:28

Bonnie B.

You ever go to pour milk on your cereal before taking the top off? Then take the top off while the jug is still upside down?

That's my closest approximation of a sympathy story, because I'm not a pickle fan.

Posted by Bonnie B. | June 5, 2007 10:41 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 10:41

este

otcconan......sweet pickles are NOT wonderful. They are the Miracle Whip of the pickle world and not fit for human consumption. I would sooner attempt to smoke one than eat it.
I still say anyone who drinks pickle juice would do any number of things I am not prepared to discus here.

Posted by este | June 5, 2007 11:12 AM

Posted on June 5, 2007 11:12

Instinct

My wife drinks the pickle juice once the jar is empty of it's "juicy vinegary crunchiness"

I've just learned to deal with it, but it's not natural.

Posted by Instinct | June 5, 2007 12:12 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 12:12

Sekimori

Now that pickle jar is empty, hie thee to a grocery store and pick up a jar of Wickles. Evilly hot and sweet, I would kick my grandma for one of these things.

Posted by Sekimori | June 5, 2007 12:45 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 12:45

she_said

I'm convinced companies are just screwing with us.

I'll go to open a bottle of balsamic vinegar and can't open it to save my life. Then start thinking "I'm way to young to need one of those old people bottle openers". Grab another bottle and the lid twists right off.

Like everything else.. its random.

Posted by she_said | June 5, 2007 1:14 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 13:14

Hardliner

Sweet Pickles! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww! Gross! Now Dill Pickles, or Sour Pickles, Those I love!

and....Yes... My DAD, of all people, can take a jar of dill pickle juice and turn it up and drink it.... Now that, is GROSS! *shudder*

The funny thing is, is what Pickles are, Fermented cucumbers. You'd be amazed the people that don't know this. :)

Posted by Hardliner | June 5, 2007 1:18 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 13:18

ScottS

They aren't fermented anymore, that takes too much time. Now they are just soaked in vinegar.

Try making fermented ones at home. I don't like pickles, but I like fermented pickles a LOT better.

Posted by ScottS | June 5, 2007 2:24 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 14:24

LabRat

The secret of the man-woman jar dichotomy is simple physics: bigger hands typically equals longer/thicker fingers equals better leverage.

In other words, the jar dilemma is solvable for the average woman with a pair of pliers or three. Simple machines uber alles.

Posted by LabRat | June 5, 2007 2:49 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 14:49

mad

I am so glad that I'm not the only one who says words out loud, just to hear how lovely or funny or sad or whatever they sound.

Or am I the only one?

/me wanders around the house, saying "pickle.....pickle....."

Posted by mad | June 5, 2007 3:24 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 15:24

Sigivald

Punch hole in lid to release vacuum.

Open.

Seal wee hole with tape or small flat fridge magnet.

IFF it won't open with normal opening techniques, of course.

(Me, I can't stand pickles of any sort. Vinegar indicates rotting!)

Posted by Sigivald | June 5, 2007 3:48 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 15:48

JohnS

Sigvald has the practical solution, though I favor a plastic sandwich bag on top of the jar, then screw the punctured lid back on. Had to do that with a jar of sauerkraut last night. Used a cleaver (gently).

I'm pretty sure it has to do with how hot the contents are before the lids are applied at the cannery. Nasssty vacuum!

Posted by JohnS | June 5, 2007 6:14 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 18:14

JohnS

(oops, sorry Sigivald - eyes are going, didn't see the "i"...)

Posted by JohnS | June 5, 2007 6:16 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 18:16

rickl

I have two kinds of jar opener. One is a conical rubber thingy, and the other one works like pliers but is sized for most sizes of jar lid. They're both cheap and work great.

I'm a guy, and I'm not ashamed of using technological assistance. I think they're sealing jars tighter nowadays than they used to. Or else I'm just getting older and weaker. Probably a little of both.

Posted by rickl | June 5, 2007 8:43 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 20:43

este

Sorry otcconan with the vice like grip. In my frenzied rage against sweet pickles I mistook you for the vile cuke sucker but it was sarahk.

Posted by este | June 5, 2007 11:35 PM

Posted on June 5, 2007 23:35

G Mize

Remember:

"The five coolest words in the English language are: pickle, spackle, monkey, cobalt and wasps."

+1 on the fermentation. Homemade pickles are the best. (I miss you, Great-Aunt Louise. I'll eat your pickles again in heaven...)

Posted by G Mize | June 6, 2007 2:11 PM

Posted on June 6, 2007 14:11

otcconan

JohnS, you are indeed correct. The hotter something is canned, the harder it is to open. I'm not sure exactly why, but growing up on the farm and taking part in the canning of all kinds of vegetables taught me this.

I am not totally sure that it's that men have bigger hands. I said before I'm actually a small guy, but I can open jars that women who are larger than I am cannot. But, I do play guitar and have pretty strong hands as a result.

Posted by otcconan | June 7, 2007 9:35 AM

Posted on June 7, 2007 09:35

helltoupee

Hot water on the lid. Causes it to expand. And, therefore, easy to remove. Big hands or small.

Posted by helltoupee | June 7, 2007 5:34 PM

Posted on June 7, 2007 17:34

JohnS

Hot water is usually effective, true, but then the lid is wet... For no reason I can identify, it seems only sauerkraut jars have this problem for me; everything else usually pops open. Even the hot water trick doesn't work on the cotton-pickin' sauerkraut jar lid, nor does rapping the edge to loosen it.

Simplified algorithm: get jar, try to unscrew once.

If succeed, remove contents; if fail, puncture lid, unscrew, remove contents. Avoid Valsalva maneuvers; avoid inducing stroke. (Avoid cutting off fingers, puncturing hand or arm or others in kitchen.)

Wait - didn't we just do cut fingers? Cole slaw? AHA! Cabbage, it's the Devil's Vegetable!

Posted by JohnS | June 8, 2007 12:35 AM

Posted on June 8, 2007 00:35