No, seriously. Soon I will RULE THE WORLD.
I warned you about multiple postings today. How ya handling it? Doin’ okay? It’s understandable if you’ve already taken all your clothes off and run a Lap of Awesomeness around your cubicle or mom’s basement, wherever you lurk on the internet from. Nothing says gratitude like getting naked, am I right?
So look. I just can’t get enough of my own fantastic self today; I am so bloated with self-importance that my dogs don’t even recognize me. And I just found some extra time because I looked online and realized that my voting place is the same school where I take the dogs to romp every evening after work, so bam! I’ll knock that out then. Which of course means the dogs will have to hang out in the car for a few minutes; let’s just hope no cats skulk by or I will come back outside to discover the back windows broken out, a dead cat, and blood-covered dogs. They so badly want to eat cats.
Anyway. Back to ME. I just think you should know that I will, in fact, be taking over operation of Earth at some point in the intermediate future. We’ll call it a 5-year-plan. One of the first steps towards that long-overdue Pax Lucasa is this endorsement by one Miss Michelle Malkin, who quoted me on my goal of owning FoxNews and turning it into Tough Shit, America:
“I would gladly work for a Lucas-owned Fox News with that motto.”
Those ground tremors you feel are from my ego literally exploding. I’ve already called MIT to see if they might like to study me, put me in a particle accelerator or something and see if I can go ahead and solve all their questions about quantum physics. They cryptically said that they’d get back to me, and they will if they know what’s good for them. You know how I feel right now? One of those dweebs on the Holiday Inn commercials. “No, I’m not a particle physicist but I did get quoted on Malkin’s blog today.”
Now. Another thing you should know is that there are assholes who read conservative blogs just to find something to be assholes about. I know, breaking news, right? Well I got two emails today from two of those assholes, who said they’d seen the article on RWN and that the reason I didn’t contribute a photo and never post any on my site is because, obviously, I’m a typical ugly “Repugnican” and/or didn’t want to appear “plain” next to the other women.
Sigh. I wish there was some Matrix-like way to download my entire blog into every new reader’s brain so that the ones who want to say something rude or stupid can save themselves the trouble. I have posted photos of myself here before (3rd one down), as well as in the post about Digger dying, and I used to have a pic in the sidebar, which I’ll get around to putting back up soon as I am remodeling my blog design as we speak. The two emailers kinda prove my point for me, anyway. If I did have tons of pics up, they’re just the type of people who’d photoshop me onto dirty things. They’re just that charming.
I’ve seen a ton of links to the RWN article today, many on blogs by women who have their own horror stories of stalkers or hate mail. Which for some reason, I get very little of anymore. Used to be AWFUL but now it’s mostly just assholes like the ones I already mentioned. I believe the answer as to why that is, and the answer to my mother’s recent question, “Aren’t you afraid of offending someone so much they find you and show up at your door?” is two-fold:
And:
My theory is, if someone is rock-solid crazy enough to show up at my door to get a face-ful of those two and a gut-ful of their friends, Miss Well-Mixed Herder, Mr. 9 mm, and Miz .22 Browning Buckmark pistol, they’re probably suicidal, and I’m a giver, so I’ll be glad to make all their dreams come true.
Or maybe it’s just because I don’t write anything interesting enough to bring the hate. Or maybe it’s because everyone knows one day I’ll be master of all the world and they don’t want to piss me off. I’m going with that, and the guns and large homicidal ridgeback.
Hey, hey, HEY! ’nuff of the dissing of us poor people eh?
Sheesh!
and no…. I am NOT taking my clothes off, I mean, you pretty and all. But.
Just sayin’.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:48 pmESTFrankly, Rachel, you’re one of those rare individuals whose beauty is both internal and external. Like me. If the two a$$hats who emailed you did any sort of research beyond what their liberal overlord (as opposed to my retard overlord) told them to do, they’d have realized that long ago. But of course, as Coulter points out in her books–liberals go right to the name-calling when they’re out of ideas. As these two clowns (and countless others) have demonstrated with their virtual “barrage” is that the idea “pool” for them is nothing more than a few drops of urine. Smelly, beer urine.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:54 pmESTSeriously, anyone that would threaten someone, because they’re a damn Republican, has got a freakin’ screw loose somewhere man.
I mean, damn. I’ve got my opinions and all. (Don’t believe me??? take a gander at my Blog.) But I don’t go around giving people crap that disagree with me. (okay, I did it once, But I was civil about it… and I felt bad about it later…)
However, I will concede a point, some people, Rachel, will be assholes, just for the sake of being an asshole. Trust me, I’ve seen it, on Liberal sides and Conservative.
Comes with the territory. I’ve been on the receiving end of it.
Also, remember there are “cyber-stalking laws” out there… so, if someone is getting overly stupid. Call the damn FBI and file a complaint, if need be.
Keep your chin up.. *grin*
March 4th, 2008 at 6:58 pmESTRachel,
You’ve heard the saying that “anything worth doing is worth doing well.” Yes? Well, there’s a corollary to that saying that goes like this: “Anything that needs shoot’n needs kill’n.” You need to upgrade, lass.
Or as my local constable advised, “if you have to pull the trigger, make sure the other guy has nothing to say when you’re done.”
Firearms are not designed to be dangerous; they’re designed to be lethal. Small calibers are fine for rodents or the occaisional coyote. Man-sized predators require .40 or larger.
See you to it, dear.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:20 pmESTI must be really awesome, because, like Rachl, I have a large clinically obese dog and a .22 revolver! I also have a smaller, thinner, younger, more energetic dog whose purpose is to make the big dog run around and lose weight.
In addition to these fine attributes, I also have a 22 year old daughter who moved back home last week and brought her two cats with her. Now, my dogs have always given every indication of wanting to kill cats, but so far there has been no bloodshed. The dogs are excited and curious, and the cats are nervous, but so far the dogs have just been stalking the cats from a distance. Last night the smaller dog did get her nose quite close to one cat’s butt, and she was quite happy about that. Sniff!
I strongly recommend that Rachel acquire or rent a cat. Perhaps during summer rerun season if she is in need of entertainment while Rupert is away.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:18 pmESTPsycologists have a term describing what these people are doing–”projection”. They accuse others of being what they really are. Unfortunately, I can see sometime in the future some of these loose cannons will actually project violence on others. And these people are supposed to be the “tolerant” ones? Hypocracy at its finest on display.
I figure when I die I’ll leave my body to science……..fiction! (R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield)
BTW, personally I prefer a 9mm. With hollowpoint slugs. Just sayin’….
March 4th, 2008 at 8:26 pmESTMy guess is these guys are unattractive basement dwellers and aren’t getting any, so they are a little cranky. But enough about them. Back to Rachel’s awesomeness - Rachel, have you ever tried on the Pope’s hat? That and a nice sidearm would be good look for you, I think. How do you look in crimson velvet and ermine? No offense to any Catholic commenters out there, I’m just saying, is all.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:50 pmESTI just knew there would be some idiots out there who would assume the only reason you didn’t submit a photo for Hawkins’ article is because of physical ugliness. Since those of us who have been reading your blog for a while know that is definitely not the case, we will be willing to help you out with these losers. Give us their e-mail addresses and we will be happy to send them links to pictures of all kinds of **attractive** women.
In the meantime keep cleaning them firearms.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:05 pmESTI have never left a comment on this site before, BUT just let me say now, that we all knew you when. Awesome!
March 4th, 2008 at 9:10 pmESTI have been reading your blog about 6 months and it is by far my favorite. I have all the love for mm and ac but I swear it’s like you are writing my thoughts!! Totally awesome to know the great one reads your blog too!! I love the Sunny pics.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:25 pmESTthat is a small but very beautiful gun. i’m sorry, i’m such a nerd for pretty shiny things that are NOT jewelry. and sunny just looks adorable. i’d be intimidated by the gun, but i’d want to squish sunny and squeeze her love handles.
and good lord, some men are not brought up with class. their mothers should be slapped and those men stuffed back into their mother’s shriveled up uteruses. don’t as me how, but it should happen. although i wasn’t around to see your pictures and i just have that one picture from italy, i think you look cute and you have awesome blue eyes.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:27 pmESTI love the idea of you blogging several, many times, often, continually throughout the day.
Whatever it takes. More Rachel, more Rachel, more Rachel! I sound like one of the Obama chanter idiots.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:52 pmESTOK, in my head I pictured you as someone who could throw-down. Cute, but tough. I think I could kick your ass in a girl fight though. Not that I want to, but I totally could.
Anyway, I love the multiple posts today. It’s been a welcome diversion during a crappy day.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:04 pmESTThe corerct caliber is the one you shoot well with. If you can’t hit things with it, it won’t count. But if I’m not mistaken that particular little revolver is potent enough. S&W 5 shot .357?
March 4th, 2008 at 10:08 pmESTMan oh man, Rachel, you’re tough for speaking up. I blogged about John’s interviews today, and it drove the moonbats crazy. The literally proved my point that all they could muster was vulgar name-calling. Eejits.
RG
March 4th, 2008 at 10:17 pmESTNever be afraid of offending a rational person. What your mom is talking about is a psychopath. They are why dogs and guns were invented.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:19 pmESTWhen I run around naked… well, gratitude isn’t exactly the right term for the responses.
Bloated from self-importance? I thought… you know… it was… uhh… female stuff!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:20 pmESTYou do rule, of this there has never been any doubt, but the rest of the maroons take a while to catch up. Always been the case. Loved the interview of you and the other 4 blog babes too.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:28 pmESTI followed your link to your picture, and all I can say is
“Indeed, she is awesome, as the Emperor fortold…”
March 4th, 2008 at 10:45 pmESTI for one welcome our new Pax Lucasa overlords.
Rupert you better hold on tight to that woman you lucky S.O.B.!
March 4th, 2008 at 11:27 pmESTWhen you do, can we please get busy with Atlantropa?
Draining the Mediterranean Sea is going to piss off a lot of Italians, but many of them were rude to you anyway. So fuck ‘em.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:57 pmESTRachel,
I had forgotten how smoking hot you are…..thanks for linking back to the pics!
Yeah, there’s always a few bad apples that try to spoil the bunch. I am glad you have your layers of defense already set.
Congrats on realizing that you really are a big blogger!!
Steve
March 4th, 2008 at 11:59 pmESTAnd I have the perfect picture for you to use.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:01 amESTAnd now I shall go to sleep happy:) got ya bloggin more and you’re gonna rule the world..what more could I ask for? (ha well I’ll keep the rest to myself>_> ahem)
March 5th, 2008 at 12:01 amESTThat Rakel Luksis!
Sez she’s gonna rule the world.
Well, I say, You go, girl, Rakel Luksis.
[But back to me.]
Back when I was a lad in TongueStud, Louisiana, down the road from Thibodaux, we were so poor that we couldn’t afford no world.
Had to live in fantasy, we did.
We’d get up in what we perceived to be morning, and make ourselves a nutritious breakfast consisting of illusions and figurative speech.
“It’s as if this were oat meal, Granny Suggins.”
“Yes, child, eat it while it has apparent extension.”
[By the way, wtf happened to all the editing knobs? I'm so poor I don't even get toggles. What a cheap joint. Maybe when that Luksis girl becomes hegemon she'll let me have a bold face toggle.]
And now, back to my new and improved website—which no one reads.
March 5th, 2008 at 1:52 amESTI think I speak for all the regulars here when I say that I’m very proud of you, that you totally deserve it, and that it’s cool to have known you when you still took corporeal form.
Just don’t go all Hollywood on us. If I come here and see a post that just says “HEH” and links to someone else’s blog, I’m gonna barf. I mean, unless it’s my blog.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:21 amESTBefore you get too psyched about yourself, remember, you VOTED FOR CLINTON.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:52 amESTHa ha.
Dear Rachel: if you tell me I have to move back to Texas to meet a woman as cool as you, you might accomplish what my dad has been attempting since I left the Navy almost 15 years ago. I’m partial to South Texas, though (Corpus Christi, or maybe as far north as San Antonio). And for those of you who think Rachel’s pistols are too small, remember she weighs only 90-something pounds. I agree with Tully - if you want to be able to get off more than one round quickly, don’t use more gun than you can handle. By the way, despite her freakishly small feet, Sunny looks like she would be very happy indeed to leap up and rip the throat out of an unwanted visitor at casa de Lucas. “I can haz jugular?”
March 5th, 2008 at 7:26 amESTDearRachel,
This was an awesome post, on so many levels. Good thing to read first thing in the morning. Funny, yet informative. Keep your rabid fans happy, baby - more doggie dressup pix (avec accompanying snark) and (yes indeedy) pix of your glorious awesomeness.
I look forward to the Pax Lucasa.
mike
March 5th, 2008 at 7:50 amESTmight have something to do with being blocked at work, Lance … LOL. Now you have me curious enough to actually try to fire up the interweb from my steam powered connection at home tonight.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:05 amESTI just put on my reading glasses and recognized the exact revolver model, and must humbly apologize for implying it might be a Smith. It will do quite nicely for self-defense–or for taking down medium-to-large game that happens to stray too close.
As suggested by cknight: Sunny has a question. (Tell her, “yes.”)
March 5th, 2008 at 8:44 amESTMultiple postings? Shit you’ll never catch Sheila
March 5th, 2008 at 10:03 amESTWe need to know how to pronounce ‘Lucasa.’
Is it Lu-cAHsa, as in mi casa, su casa, lu casa?
Or is it Lu-cAYZa, as in “don’t Lu-cas-a me, bro!”?
March 5th, 2008 at 10:35 amESTYou are a friggin’ genius and I will gladly be part of the Rachel universe.
Maybe Michelle needs to get a big dog and start posting pictures. =D Fabulous!
March 5th, 2008 at 11:36 amESTHuge favor to ask of you, Rachel, for when you take over Fox: please sic your pork treat lover on Shepard Smith and Geraldo.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:05 pmESTRachel,
March 5th, 2008 at 12:11 pmESTIt’s no surprise you’re doing so well. You obviously have fun with your blog, yet you manage to hit on what a lot of people are thinking, but never allow themselves to say out loud. You go girl!
you know you are really and truly arrived when you start getting hate mail of the idiotic variety. It’s called jealousy… and being secure in my hetero-sexuality - you are hot.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:22 pmESTThat’s why I like to tell people that I sleep with Messrs. Smith, Wesson and Remington. Takes them a minute for the light to dawn.
When I bought the Remington, I made it a point to take the box in in broad daylight and then leave it propped up by the trashcan for a week. Everyone knows I live alone, and I thought that plan of action would be fair warning enough.
And as for the little jerks who threaten when they are anonymous, they’re cowards. Rank cowards.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:40 pmESTDid anyone else notice how freakin’ happy Sunny looks when she isn’t wearing a hat or funny clothes?
March 5th, 2008 at 2:38 pmESTOh, Rachel, that is funny.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:08 pmESTIt’s a two-edged sword. If you don’t post pictures of yourself, you’re ugly. If you do, you’re cashing in on your looks. You’re wise to not do it, and let us imagine how awesome you are.
Rupert is, in fact, a lucky guy. Just the one photo I’ve seen is enough for me to know that. And sometimes, you know, photos don’t really do justice to how awesome somebody is. And you are. Awesome, that is.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:53 amESTYour revolver looks like mine (except mine has gold accents). Taurus ultra-lite snub-nosed .38 spl?
March 6th, 2008 at 8:41 amEST