Making all your dreams come true.
Fine. Everyone says just write about whatever you want; the intarwab is so boring today anyway, I can’t possibly make it any worse. Or could I?
America, you made this tender young man cry last night.
That’s right, our little buddy Danny Noriega got the stiletto boot in the butt last night. FIGURATIVELY. America voted, and America agreeeed wiiiittthhh…Rachl Lukis. Buh-bye kid, and don’t worry - you’ve got a bright future ahead of you, full of breast implants and man-junk girdles and Cher songs.
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Look what Frank J. found on Clinton’s web site. She really is getting desperate, isn’t she?
That’s racist.
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I’ll be adding some new blogs to my blogroll in the coming days, and this includes you, Oatworm, ya flatterpants. Which reminds me of another brand-new blog I already totally dig, Army of Dog, not least of which because in one of his intro posts, he wrote this about his new site:
Why start now?
The possibility of being on the cutting edge of a revolution in the way people express their opinions really excites me. I truly believe that the blog concept is going to take off. In just a few years I think we could see thousands of people bravely offering up their insight and analysis on everything from local and national politics to spirited debate on how we face the challenges of the 21st century. I’m really excited to get in on that early.
That cracks me right the hell up. Nothing is better than that kind of dry sarcasm. NOTHING.
By the way, Army of Dog blog person I hope I was correct in referring to you as “he”. If not, oops! I couldn’t tell by any of your posts or comments.
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I am sad that Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles is over for the season. Am I the only one shocked to find themselves actually liking Brian Austin Green on that show? What the hell? Oh but I do. That scene where the bad guy said, “Not my kid,” and Green’s guy said, “Not mine” and then shot bad guy in the head while holding the little girl’s face away? Pret-ty awe-some.
Plus I have a girl-crush on Summer Glau, and I was MOST DISAPPOINTED at the lack of fight scenes in the finale. I want to see Summer terminate some assholes.
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My back yard smells like poop. We’ve passed the threshold at which I should scoop up all the dog turds, and I do feel shame for this. I do. Today the electric company meter reader boy had to come back there; I told him, “Watch out for dog turds!” and then he stepped right on one.
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Lisa Marie Presley IS preggers, as I said in my profound wisdom, and she’s rightly pih-hih-hisssed.
After being the target all week of slanderous and degrading stories, horribly manipulated pictures and articles in the media, I have had to show my cards and announce under the gun and under vicious personal attack that I am in fact pregnant.
Once they got a glimpse of my expanding physique a few days ago, they have been like a pack of coyotes circling their prey whilst eerily howling with delight….they couldn’t wait to find out if my weight gain was because I was just overeating, in which case It would be open season and they can do the old ‘following in her fathers sad and unfortunate demise’ story again or less interesting for them and probably much to their dismay, I could just be pregnant and therefore have a legitimate reason for weight gain at which point they should probably wipe the saliva off of their fangs and put them back in their mouths or they may expose the black little souls that they are.
Now that things are confirmed, hopefully they can stop all of the harassment and I can stop dodging the continuous bullets. It is unfortunate that I couldn’t have announced something that is this much of a blessing and that has made us so incredibly happy under better circumstances.
How they have handled themselves with this has been nothing short of irresponsible and disgusting.
Pardon my seething contemptuous tone but ladies, You KNOW if you were pregnant and you felt you were expanding uncontrollably by the moment as a result and the worldwide media started badgering and harassing you for it, plastering you everywhere in an unflattering light, you would be mortified as well.
Rawr! I love it when someone gets off a justified rant like that.
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In the mood to watch something that’ll make you want to hurt someone? Preferably someone chanting “O-ba-ma!”? Here’s a bunch of “famous” people you’ve never heard of telling you that we can change the world.
What a bunch of tools.
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One more TV thing: I haven’t watched last night’s episode of Lost yet, it’s on the DVR. Just sayin’, if last week was any indication, the makers of that show just may be about to redeem themselves because it was actually really good and holy SHIT, they answered some questions. I guess. All’s I know is that there should be more Desmond and less Jack because I hate Jack and his bossy ways. I’ll send a strongly-worded letter to the producers and get this taken care of.
oh good lord, i’ve seen that video and it’s freaking creepy. as if i listen to what celebrities say. they’re all freaking stupid and don’t know what they’re talking about. money and fame do not make you intelligent.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:24 pmESTRe: Sarah Connor Chronicles: Brian Austin Greene had been on the show for at least 3 episodes before I realized it was Brian Austin Greene. I saw his name in the credits and wondered “which one is he?” His role as an asskicking badass completely threw me off.
And LOST is the best show on TV. I love that the writers have actually decided to start throwing us some answers now that they know they only have 40 episodes left to resolve the 8,572 mysteries they have thrown at us.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:31 pmESTI took my daughter to the Disney Store at the mall this afternoon… and I saw the most Zac Effroniest shirt ever. It definitely set the benchmark on “gay.”
March 7th, 2008 at 6:34 pmESTthat video might get me into doing drugs!
March 7th, 2008 at 7:03 pmESTI was sooooo happy to see D.N. go DNF! It really wasn’t fair of Fox, anyway, to have an extra girl on the guys’ team.
I see a bunch of old music in his future: Garland, Streisand, Minnelli…
March 7th, 2008 at 7:07 pmESTYes, firmly in the “he” column. And I offer my undying gratitude for your kind words.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:10 pmEST1. What’s DNF?
2. I’m bummed DN is off AI because I was looking forward to some entertaining drama from him this season.
3. Didn’t Obama go to college in the 80s? I bet there’s a picture of him somewhere in parachute pants and a members only jacket. Flock of Seagulls hairdo is unlikely, tho.
4. I loved the use of the Johnny Cash song in the finale of Terminator. Wasn’t that awesome? Are Ellison and the paramedic going to join forces with Sara Conner’s Crew next season or will they form their own robot-hunting team?
5. Who the heck is Brian Austin Green? I like the actor, but I can’t recall ever seeing him before.
6. Dog turds — I haven’t picked up a turd in years. My kids do it. When they move out I may have to give the dogs to the pound.
7. Lisa Marie should have waited until Monday to catch the news cycle better. But, yeah, that was a good rant.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:14 pmESTBad Penny,
Brian Austin Green was the geeky one on Beverly Hills 90210 who always tried to be as cool as Luke Perry and Jason Priestly, and never succeeded. My girlfriend always made me watch that show with her and he was the one I most wanted to slap. And I wanted to slap them all.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:21 pmESTHey! I found another O-bama video clip!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6UPR3OdroY&feature=related
March 7th, 2008 at 7:25 pmESTMore Desmond, more Desmond! That show definitely needs more sexy Scot. Do take care of that for us, Rachl Lukis. Do.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:30 pmESTDNF - Did Not Finish
It’s a racing, competitive term.
Rick, that was too funny!
March 7th, 2008 at 7:34 pmESTThanks Paul. I had to go IMDB 90210 to see why I’ve never seen it. It’s because it was on in the 90s, and I was busy that decade, and before that I didn’t even have a tv for 10 years, so I have missed out on so very much. It’s tragic, in a way. The government should give me disability payments, a big TV, and a stack of DVDs so I can catch up.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:36 pmESTI gotta say that the advertising firm responsible for this clip earned its money. Sort of. What a perfect pander to self-absorbed assholes: “WE are the ones!” Spiced with comments like “basically, I just want the war to end.” Well, don’t we all? Except that some of us want basically the war to end IN VICTORY. But words like victory are so bloody oppressive. If one sides wins, it means someone else has to lose. Boo-hoo–hoo. Can’t have that in utopia. Someone’s feelings might get hurt.
Is anyone else slightly offended when someone says, “this is my country, our country, your country” in Spanish? Why not hire Walter Konig and cut to the chase? “Eez our country, comrades. Werkers control means of production. Great Soviet Republic of Amereeka will make all pigs equal. Excepting pigs more equal than others. Vote Obama for Big Brother.” Yeah, man! Just throw in “peace in our time” and you have my vote, dude.
America is not ready for a post-American president. Too many of us still have a vested interest in our nation to just give it all away. The Obama tent revival and traveling circus can’t possibly believe that America will fall for this act. Or maybe they do? Which makes it all the more scary. But I see today in the press that the warts are starting to rise. What a surprise. I bet Obama has a portrait in his attic. And you thought Bill Clinton was a cheesy con man? Just wait for it. The democrats are such suckers. Makes me feel almost sorry for them. Almost.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:47 pmESTThanks, Joan.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:47 pmESTBad Penny, the worst part of the kids moving out is that you have to mow the lawn.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:34 pmESTDog turds are one of the biggest reasons I love other people’s dogs. Regarding Obama’s hair in the 80s, I’m guessing probably a fade, with lines cut in the sides, but it would be great to see him with one of those stovepipe hat-style creations (12 inches straight up on top of the head) like Kid or Play had (I don’t remember which was which). Brian Austin Green actually has some comedy chops, too - he was in a short-lived sitcom a couple years ago with Freddie Prinze Jr. Paul T.: my girlfriend at the time made me watch Melrose Place, so I win the p-whipped contest. I agree that Lost is much better this year, but I have to say that if Des and Penny don’t end up together by the end of the series, I won’t watch anything else the producers ever create. Ever. (end hissy fit.) They’re the best subplot in the show right now. And finally: you all can get your fix of Summer Glau ass-kicking scenes any time you want if you own the Serenity dvd. As Rachel would say, “Do it.”
March 7th, 2008 at 8:46 pmESTI don’t have cable but I have heard good things about Terminator. Isn’t Summer from Serenity and Firefly? I LOVED that show and Movie. She’s great!
March 7th, 2008 at 9:01 pmESTI watched Serenity this morning! Or rather, my son watched it while I was allegedly working in the same room. I was, of course, completely focused on my computer the whole time. ahem.
I love it when she slays the Reavers. And I heart Zoe, too. Why are women kicking ass so awesome? Remember Dark Angel? I loved those fight scenes. I’m not the only one, right?
March 7th, 2008 at 9:11 pmESTHannah, Terminator is on Fox. You might be able to get that without cable.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:12 pmESTYes, that video is justification for murder, but don’t stress yourself. This video is THE ANTIDOTE!
Obama is "Calling Me Dude!" @ AMERICAN DIGEST
Play it three times and your mood is restored.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:37 pmESTHannah: also you can see past episodes online at fox.com if your connection has enough bandwidth.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:38 pmESTLOST is my favorite show, by far. Fantastic writing, and Rachel is right, they’ve redeemed themselves this year. A total rip-off of the book The Philadelphia Experiment (not the movie - the book…)
Desmond’s great. His love story with Pen is so much more interesting than the Jack/Kate/Sawyer soap opera.
Who are the Oceanic 6? I wonder if Ben is included in those numbers or does he sneak off the island later to make Sayid his hit-man?
I know I have seen, in “flash forwards,” the following people: Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Aaron and Ben.
Still wondering who was in the casket at the funeral only Jack attended at the end of last season.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:54 pmESTAfter watching that ridiculous YouTube clip, I have but one thing to say:
I’m Cosmo and I disapprove of this message.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:17 pmESTMore doggie pictures, less nausea inducing Obama videos! :^)
I’ve got a digital camera that takes pictures but the LCD screen on back doesn’t work, you don’t know what you’ve got until you upload them into your computer. It’s yours if you want it, sorry I can’t do better.
Lost, is that some sort of reality show about liberals? I haven’t watched it but I keep hearing about it. Maybe one of these days I’ll see what all the fuss is about.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:29 pmESTBarry O kinda looks like Richard Pryor in that photo. Things that make you go “hmmmm….” Just sayin’….
March 7th, 2008 at 10:43 pmESTRachel - thank you for kind acknowledgment of my superior attention gigoloing skills. I am glad to see my thinly (okay, transparently) veiled attempts to curry your favor will soon pay off. Rest assured, I shall remember and treasure this moment always. You may also rest assured that, should you edict anything else, I will almost certainly have to record it for posterity… for recording your edicts for posterity improved my blog traffic a solid four-fold! I can’t argue with a 400% increase in popularity. That’s how powerful you are - you make me four times the blogger that I was yesterday.
I bow before your eternal greatness.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:06 pmESTThe Desmond-centered episodes are the best ones on Lost. Bring on the Scotsman, Bruthah!
And how about some more Vincent for Sunny Lukis!!
March 8th, 2008 at 12:40 amESTI noticed on that video the word “Dipdive”. I thought that was rather apropos considering the dips in the video….
March 8th, 2008 at 3:34 amESTRachel,
A few days ago you began your five-posts-a-day experiment. Honestly, I don’t think it’s been a good match for either your style or your community.
The Old Way, every post you wrote was a gem and a joy to read. You wrote only when you had something to say. I looked forward to coming here, and it was worth the time. The New Way, the posts are still amusing but no longer inspired; so there’s five times more material to wade through, and — sorry — it’s not really worth the effort.
The New Way also hurts comment dynamics. I liked the fact that you only posted once a day, because that allowed time for all the regulars to weigh in with their usual wit and wisdom. It felt like a conversation. That dynamic is gone now — I feel like I’m always late to the thread, and there’s not much point in commenting on something three posts ago — nobody’s going to read it.
I hope you’ll consider returning to the Old Way. It’s what made this site special. At least for me.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:33 amESTWhat Bonwick said - I feel exactly the same.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:57 amESTThat Obama chant video - Creepiest. Thing. Ever. Yet his followers just can’t figure out why people find them cultish?
And am I the only one who thinks “Omarosa” when Madame Obama starts in with her various scoldings?
March 8th, 2008 at 9:01 amESTI have a girl-crush on Summer Glau
MY crush on Summer is so not the girl kind. If I were single-and rich, famous and much better looking- she’d be the future ex-Mrs. Physics Geek.
March 8th, 2008 at 9:24 amESTi third jeff bonwick. if that’s a term. couldn’t have said it better. maybe two posts a day would be a good compromise?
March 8th, 2008 at 9:58 amESTThat Obama ad quite literally made me want to hurl. I’d rather eat worms.
Rachel, I for one, enjoy your more frequent postings, so I gotta disagree with Bonwick et al.
You have more than enough sarcasm to spread around this blog and half the web, it’s not like you’ll run out…
But your longest rants are usually the best, and since those take more time it makes sense to have fewer entries when you provide us with the lengthy tirades.
So 5 short posts a day, or 2 long ones - who cares? The short posts are when there’s not much going on in th world - and the long ones are for when celebrity asshats open their pieholes.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:48 amESTI haven’t watched the season ender yet of Sarah Connor but I am freaking LOVING that show! I hope they don’t ruin it but so far it rocks. One of my new favorites.
I also love that if I miss an episode I can catch it online.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:53 amESTThe season ender of Sarah Conner was actually two episodes that they used as a season finale because of the writer’s strike. The producers were happy that they gelled together so well. It will be back in the fall.
Brian Austin Green is haute in SCC. He looks kinda of dirty, in that post-apocalypse way that I like so well. Mad Max, I am looking at you.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:01 pmEST“I just want a world without fear…”
Yeah, tell that to the Nazis, Huns, IRA, jihadis, Soviets, mongols, etc etc. “Just want it, and it will come!”
Maybe this is the result of using Howard Zinn’s US history books in so many schools. And the guy said straight out on Dennis Preger’s show that the world would be better off if America never existed. Nice.
March 8th, 2008 at 9:35 pmESTHa haaaaaaa. Bye, Danny. I understand that there are already rumblings that the vote was “anti-gay.” Speaking only for myself, I love teh gheys. What I hate are rude, ill-tempered, self-loathing, bitchy little queens. He can claim all he wants, while doing the walk-like-an-Egyptian thing and snapping his fingers, that he doesn’t care, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want to go through life with everyone hating me. Oh, wait…..
March 9th, 2008 at 12:28 pmESTDanny was WAY too precious for his own good. Buh-Bye!
March 10th, 2008 at 9:33 amESTI think I beat you in the worshiping Summer Glau department. I’ve been a huge fan since Firefly and have even met her. Then burst into tears. Thats what happens when I meet someone I admire a great deal. I was glad to see that she was able to show of her mad ballet skills, as that is where she started, and that is what makes her fight scenes so great.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:10 amESTThe global “democracy” is coming. Revelation 13:11. This particular asshole isn’t it. But am I right to bring up the startling similarities and flashpoints regarding how QUICKLY someone can become such a powerful persona and influence in a “democracy”?
What do we have? A Republic. If we keep it.
And since the floor is open-
Damn this beer’s delicious.
March 15th, 2008 at 12:03 amEST