There was no meat in her bun!
Now is the time of the week American Idol-Haters should be used to by now. Scroll away, haters. I love you anyway.
It was Mariah Carey night, and I have to tell you: I always thought I hated her so hard. Not her voice or music, I happen to own a couple of her records, but her annoying self-consciousness while performing always bugged the crap out of me and I assumed that she was some sort of snotty bitch. I must announce publicly now that I was wrong. She actually seemed really nice and…sweet, even. Huh. Learn something new every day.
David Archuleta, who I am totally over and who was wearing vinyl pants - WTF? - sang a boring song that bored me in a very boring way. It involved the words “achieving” and “miracles” and “believe”, over and over again, and there’s just something about a 17-year-old boy who never sings anything but songs about achieving and believing in miracles that just pisses me off. Maybe because I’m an antisocial asshole, who knows.
Then a sleeved Carly sang that song about how she can’t liiiiiiiiive if livin’ is without you-ou-ou. She seemed a little less angry than usual but either I need to get a new sound system hooked up to my TV or she really doesn’t have the range everyone likes to think she does. I thought it sounded like shit when she hit the high notes, and I wonder if maybe the sleeve covering her lady-face tattoo was killing her mojo.
Syesha then showed us how she’s gonna start working this game: cleavage. Boring. Then before singing, Brooke ONCE AGAIN blathered on about her stupid sister’s stupid wedding that she had to miss. Nobody cares! Shut up Brooke! She sang a song about a hero inside you - kinky - and by the end of it, she was shaking and trembling for some reason. Maybe because she had a sick premonition of what was going to happen when she finished:
Simon said, “It was like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun.” Out went Brooke’s lower lip in a 3-year-old’s pout. He went on some more about how it sucked. Then Ryan, Paula, and Randy all jumped in and started shouting about meat and buns and precisely how much of each was involved, where the meat was located within the bun, and so on. Randy finished the debate by shouting, “The meat was in the bun!”
Funniest shit on television, I tell you.
Then Debbie Boone, I mean Kristy Lee Cook dressed as a Stepford housewife, whined her way through “Forever”, and all I could think about was how much meat was in her bun. Not much. Definitely no shortage of giant fake eyelashes, though.
But do you know who has tons of meat in his bun? David Cook.
Holy crap, he did it AGAIN. He took a pop song (one I happen to love-love-love) and rocked its ass. I don’t even know what to say about this guy anymore except that if he doesn’t win, the terrorists will.
I dig it so totally hard. I take back everything I ever said about his stupid hair. He can wear a clown wig for the next 6 weeks for all I care, dude deserves to win.
And then Jason Castro sang, and was boring, but I love that voice. If he made an acoustic album where you can really hear that voice, I’d buy it and listen to it all the time. It is teh sexay.
Bottom 3 prediction: Jason, Syesha, and Brooke. Or possibly Carly in place of one of them. And for the Buh-Bye prize: Brooke if the world is kind, Jason if AI voters are the douchebags I suspect they are.
Listening to David Cook reminded me of when Chris Daughtry totally rocked Johnny Cash’s “I Walk the Line.” That was when I knew he was the real deal. Anyone who can take another performer’s song, sing it in their own style and rock the hell out of it is the real deal. I didn’t get to see AI last night because of class, but I heard David Cook’s stuff this morning on the radio. Awesome.
Here is the link to Daughtry’s version of I Walk the Line. It made me want to jump my husband stat! Too sexy…
April 16th, 2008 at 11:07 amYup, David Cook’s got it goin on.
Simon got it right - the guys all rocked it last night.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:08 amYour rants ALMOST make me want to watch AI just to see some of these people you write about. [of course, I’d have to actually hook up my tv, and it somehow doesn’t really seem worth it.] Carry on.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:12 amWell, how interesting that you have a site again.
How could I have missed it?
The last time I saw one of your blogs was about 5 years ago, and I was hooked.
I have now gone through lots of your rantings, and must say you’re in fine form - as always.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:19 amI usually disagree w/ you on at least one of them, but you are pretty much right today. I wasn’t really impressed w/ any of them but David Cook.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:19 amVoteForTheWorst.com is encouraging folks to go for .
They, and , were probably responsible for Sanjaya’s longevity last year.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:32 amThanks Jamfish…thanks a lot. I had successfully banished the memory of Sanjaya from my grey matter and there you go, dropping a Sanjaya bomb.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:42 amTotally agree Ms Lukis. Just waiting for iTunes to put his video and studio length rendition on line for my purchase. While acquiring world power, would you please make sure Mimi Rogers does not set her hooks into him like she did T-Cruise? Saw her in the audience a couple weeks ago, staring at him like he’s her next project and it gave me quaking agida. Thanks ever so.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:00 pmP.S. Please tell Rupert we are all so very proud of him, grateful he is an American serving America and we are forever in his debt.
David Archuleta, who I am totally over and who was wearing vinyl pants - WTF? - sang a boring song that bored me in a very boring way.
I agree. It’s funny, afterwards, Randy said something to the effect of “If you can sing, you can sing anything, and you can sing, dog!”, but Archuleta really hasn’t sung anything. He’s sung essentially the same thing each week. He’s yet to choose an upbeat song, and hasn’t been asked to expand his boundaries like others would be (and have been). Sure, he’s a great singer, and will probably win the competition, but no one will buy an album full of boring ballads like those he’s chosen so far.
David Cook, on the other hand, could quit AI right now and start recording an album. Whether or not he wins is irrelevant.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:04 pm“She sang a song about a hero inside you - kinky “ LMAO that just made me laugh ahem anyway I still dont watch the show but I agree David Cook rocks,and has kinda butched up thank God.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:06 pmWhat happened last week? I would have thought that you’d devote a whole post to the Aussie getting kicked off.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:13 pmMs Lucas and Boys-n-Girls:
April 16th, 2008 at 12:22 pmSay WHAT? I decided to watch the video of that “David” guy Rachel posted — and I ain’t impressed at all. I’ve never heard the song he did, but quickly concluded that –at least on THIS little ditty– this guy was literally “flat”, as they say, on many notes. I don’t get it, folks. Anybody else hear this?
I fervently pray that there is no God, lest He smite thee for Idol worship.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:35 pm*sigh*
But I really like the picture of you in your helment. It has the return of the Disembodied Head of Pre-Pubescent Rachel.
And that was worth stopping by, even though you wrote another post that give recruits to Bin Laden.
Lamont
April 16th, 2008 at 12:47 pmWord Problem:
If Rachel’s AI posts create one Al Qaida per week while Rupert exterminates ten Al Qaida per month, how many more (fewer) Al Qaida will there be in January, 2009, when President Obama fucks the whole thing up?
April 16th, 2008 at 1:04 pmDavid Cook’s voice sounds to me somewhere between Darius Rucker (Hootie) and Scott Stapp (formerly of Creed). Easy to see how he carries those slow-rockin’ songs. I wonder what he’d do with something a bit more dynamic. Just askin’.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:17 pmFor all that is HOLY, please send Syesha home. I just want to punch her in the head. I want to see Jason give David A. a joint and see if he could sing a happy song for once. Plus, Mariah looked great with her new boobs, whoever did the job is amazing.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:24 pmAm I the only person on this planet that thinks David Cook is a toatl phony douchebag?! Seriously. I don’t dig his songs and it really annoys me with his pompous fake crying and thanking of the judges. It made me want to stab my eyes out with a sock! David Cook is NOT Chris Daughtry.
But I think the other David will meet his end tonight. And I’m still waiting for Kristy to start dressing like Haley Scarnato! I won’t shut up about it until it happens!
April 16th, 2008 at 1:39 pmOh, all right. He is just that good.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:52 pmIf this keeps up I might actually… ah… watch the show.
And you can’t imagine what it takes for me to say that.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:52 pmDavid Cook is the only reason I am watching this year. Never been an Idol fan, but this kid has got it. He’s cute, talented and practically makes love to the audience when he sings.
Getting my nails done the other day and the girl says, hey thats David Cooks mom over there. She was standing by the cash register. I go “really?” LOL-God I sounded like a schoolgirl. I wanted to shout out to her that I just loved her son, but that would have sounded weird coming from a 54 year old woman. I just smiled at her. She seemed nice.
I heard this morning the story behind Davids tears last night. I thought he was just choked up over the judges reviews but now I know it was over his brother.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:10 pmI felt bad cause I was making fun of the casper looking guy behind Paula until I realized that it was David Cooks brother. I guess my express ticket to hell has been punched now.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:38 pmI started out totally digging Carly but her take on Nilsson’s song was gag inducing. Just sing dammit. Leave the fills and melismatic sludge to Witless Houston and Moron-ah Carey.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:47 pmOK, that was unkind. I actively like Ms. Carey’s Christmas song.
What was with Seacrest ripping up that fan’s sign that said Simon for President?. I mean, it was funny as hell at first (what with the whole Seacrest-Cowell sexual tension thing), but then I thought, “what the hell?”
I hope Ryan gives them some fianle tickets to make up for that stunt. Or at least a free visit to his favorite spa.
April 16th, 2008 at 3:43 pmI want David Cook to get “Daughty’d”; i.e. he gets voted off early or something and then makes a quadruple platinum album that rocked my socks off.
It probably didn’t hurt Daughtry that he worked with Ed Kowalczyk from Live on a bunch of the album, either.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:22 pmRock on, sistah.
I never thought he’d be able to rock a Mariah Carey song, of all things, but he did - more power to him.
If there’s a God, Syesha will PLEASE go home.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:28 pmIsn’t David Archuleta the Barak Obama of Idol? Looks good, sings (talks) about stuff he hasn’t really experienced or has none. Popular to many for a moment, then the truth comes through. Has many fans who don’t see the truth in him. That’s why he has angered you so, you see through him.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:38 pmUm, David Cook’s brother is dying of brain cancer - and was in the audience last night. Nothing fake about how he’s feeling right now.
David Cook is all you need about AI this year. Just send the other 6 home tonite, save us all alot of time.
Except that the little wanker that is the other David has all those pubescent giggly girls keeping him on. Now that’s the fake David on this show. David Archuleta.
April 16th, 2008 at 7:34 pmI don’t know, dog, David was kinda pitchy!
April 17th, 2008 at 7:12 amAm I the only one who thinks Ryan Seacrest isn’t gay?
Kristi got the boot. You end up at the bottom week after week, it’s only a matter to time. I was hoping Brookie would leave (and take Seyesha with her). SHE’s the boring one if you ask me.
I’ve been saying this for two weeks. David Cook is gonna win. Show over.
Funniest part I thought was when Randy “Dawg” was getting razzed over his claims he made Mariah a star.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:36 amTwo things: Remember when everyone just freaked the fuck out over Chris Daughtry and he lost? Let’s not hold our breath that David Cook will win either. I just don’t have that much faith in America.
Second: About Brooke….am I the only one who fucking hates this do-gooder bitch? The way she said “Hey!” to Simon when he critiqued Syesha…I wanted to jump through my TV and choke her. Who the fuck made her the nice police? Ugh. I HATE her. She needs to go NOW.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:55 am