Broadway music sucks.
Content warning! American Idol post in-ur-face time!
So last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber Night for reasons I will never, ever understand. I hate Broadway/show-tune/musical-theater-type music. I loathe and detest and revile it, always have and always will, don’t care what you say. So basically I hated every performance of the show tonight, if only on principle.
First was Syesha, with whom I remain intractably unimpressed. She seems at all times like an actress pretending to be a singer and it’s a big turn-off. Also, her shoulders looked very much like those of a linebacker in that dress.
Jason then sang “Memory”, a song that, honestly, I hate with such intensity that it’s almost unnatural. I remember being 8 years old and hating this song, and the feeling has never abated. So I was MOST displeased that I had to sit through it last night, but I did, because I’ve decided that Jason’s voice gives me synesthesia. You know, like, certain sounds have their own taste and color? Jason’s voice tastes like truffles and is emerald green.
(And, based on his pre-performance interview, I’m pretty sure he has Downs’ Syndrome. “I was all, UHHH! UHHH!” Dude - easy on the doobage before the show.)
Brooke White then proceeded to completely fuck up. There’s the intro music, she sings the first lyric, and then…she forgets the next one and makes the band start over. Check it out. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that on live TV before, and I didn’t think it was “brave” like Simon did, I thought it was pretty weird actually. Like, imperious and kinda bitchy. And the rest of her performance sucked, too. So there.
Then Pippen, hobbit of the Shire, I mean David Archuleta, was forced by Seacrest to hug several female children on stage (huge! fans! OMG!) and then sang a song so boring and pointless that I had to fast-forward through it. Listen, the kid would make a great Wham cover-band lead singer, but he just needs to stop it with being on my television every week.
Carly Smithson was next and she sang “Jesus Christ Superstar,” yet another song that measurably diminishes my quality of life every time I hear it. God, I hate this music. She’s wearing sleeves again…Carly are you reading Rachl Lukis dot com? You’re welcome for the fashion tips.
Finally, as usual, David Cook provided the most noteworthy and piquant segment of the show, but this time not because of his performance. Oh, it’s even better than that: he was very nearly seduced by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. As The Sir was “coaching” David (in his saucy British accent):
SALW: “[this song is] the most sensss-oo-ull, the most sexy song I have ever written. You’re supposed to be singing to the most gorgeous girl you’ve ever seen in your life. And regrettably, I am not that person.”
David: (nervous laughter)
SALW: “Don’t loff! Don’t loff! There’s a serious lesson here!”
David: (awkward, frightened laughter)
SALW: (with arms crossed over chest petulantly) “I’m a gorgeous 17-year-old girl!”
I have coined a new term for the exchange: homoment. Say it out loud, you’ll get it. It was really gay, see?
And the song….let’s just say it contained a lot of words but these are the phrases I jotted down:
slowly, gently
grasp it, sense it
tremulous and tender
touch me, trust me
my savory sensation
Rowr. Well, David knows who the REAL gorgeous 17-year-old girl is, because he was looking right at me through my television. With a borderline creepy 100-yard-stare, I admit, but I totally fell for it anyway.
So, to recap: I am deeply revolted by Broadway music. That’s really what’s most important here. I won’t bother predicting who gets the shove-off tonight because I’m still working through the pain of sitting through SIX of those songs. Gross.
I’ve always had a very soft for Phantom, and so I had to check out David’s performance. Although he hit the notes, which is an accomplishment in itself, I did not care for his performance, especially the end. Give me Michael Crawford anytime.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:16 amESTOh, honey, you can’t judge Broadway music by listening to stuff from Andrew Lloyd Webber. I mean, he’s got some okay songs, but it’s kind of like judging Italian cuisine by the day-old pizza from the airport Pizza Hut.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:26 amESTRachel,
Have you ever seen a professionally staged Broadway production? No! not that travelling troup shit and not that crap you see on TV during PBS pledge drives, but an honest to god production on a Broadway stage?
I used to be the same about Opera, couldn’t stand it until my wife dragged me off to the Dallas Opera (which is one of the finest in the nation by the way) to see Cecilia Bartoli in the Barber Of Seville. It really makes a difference when it is done by people who are really at the top of their craft.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:29 amESTIt’s “Down Syndrome”, unless you are typing in British English, which I hope you aren’t. Then you would be all “gone missing” and “in hospital” and your teeth would rot out and you wouldn’t have a hand gun. But I digress…
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:37 amESTHeh. Homoment.
I’ve had many of those while flying on cramped planes. I’m convinced that 37% of traveling businessmen are closeted gays. Don’t. Touch. Me. I. Don’t. Like. You. That. Way.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:40 amESTOk, I should comment on the opera/musical difference. I was dragged to see “Les Mis” with music by Claude-Michel Schönberg. What an abomination - the music was awful. The singers were amplified or perhaps they were all lip syncing. In any case, it wasn’t opera - neither the underlying score nor the libretto nor the perforances on stage. The quality was so low that I would have walked out, but for other circumstances.
Opera, however, usually has good music, good orchestration, and when performed by a good company, good singing. The stories, I am convinced, are not supposed to be rational or make sense, at least to us, these days. But if one is not moved upon hearing “Dove sono” song well, well, then a visit to the cardiologist might be needed.
Ok, in summation, musicals, with few exceptions (the music in West Side Story) suck, opera (outside the modern oeuvre) rules.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:48 amESTI don’t dislike Broadway, but most of the evening was very painful. I think David Archuleta can turn just about EVERY song ever written into an adult contemporary snore. I wanna see him do it to a NIN song. Man, what I would give to see him do his magic with “Closer.”
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:48 amESTI saw my first production during a 6th grade field trip, in which half the performers were teenage girls wearing see-through skin-tight clothes. I’m sure our teachers were pleased to see their boys so attentive to the arts.
I’ve attended a few broadway-type shows since, and I find myself not so much bored as irritated and annoyed by them. And the people who loooooooove everything about them.
Give me Don Giovanni or an orchestral performance… or at least something to look at.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:52 amESTI share your deep, passionate loathing for Broadway/showtunes but was cursed with a family of thesbians who couldn’t get enough.
I’ve had to sit on a car ride for 17 hours listening to Cats and Les Miserables and countless other soul-destroying musical ‘hits’ until my desire for suicide was only slightly less than my urge to garotte Andrew Lloyd Webber with a piano wire.
So, I feel the pain.
Funny enough, my brother is going to Graduate school in NYC for musical theater. I can’t escape.
And don’t ask if you know the answer.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:00 amESTNo need for me to ever watch that show. I just tune in to Rachl Lukis on Wednesday mornings to get the real story. And homoment is a gem. It shall be put into my lexicon forthwith.
Andrew Lloyd Webber writes some of the most gawdawful tripe ever.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:14 amESTHomoment! I can’t wait for an occasion to use it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:16 amESTDamn. Another 10 recruits for Bin Laden. Every time you post about American Idol, the terrorists win.
Lamont
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:18 amESTDid you see when the cameras flashed to Paul Stanley in the audience? Does that mean there’s going to be a KISS night? Because that would make my entire life. If there is a God, He will allow us to see Gene Simmons working with David Archuletta.
As for the rest of the show… wow. Trainwreck-city. I knew ALW night would be bad, I just didn’t realize how much.
The thing is, ALW is arguably the most successful composer in modern times. And even though I still want to kill my friend who ten years ago dragged me to Starlight Express (a musical about trains that takes place on ROLLERSKATES) I can’t argue with the success he’s had. So, when the most succesful man in theatre is giving pointers, maybe you should listen to at least one of them, Jason Castro.
And Brooke, THERE ARE NO DO-OVERS ON LIVE TV. Aargh.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:19 amEST“Homoment”priceless
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:24 amESTI actually love Phantom but that’s because Sarah Brightman made some kind of deal with the devil for vocal cords and eternal youth. I can actually quote the whole thing. And that song is quite erotic. I’m glad I missed the Idle version.
I usually watch American Idol, but when I learned it was Andrew Lloyd Webber night, I just couldn’t do it. I can’t stand most musical theater/Broadway showtunes either. I don’t know what it is about it, but it usually just sounds like pop music that’s trying to masquerade as something more serious. It’s for people who want to appear too sophisticated to listen to stuff like Britney Spears, but really aren’t.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:28 amESTI hope you’re happy. Your post has caused a Clay Aiken ad to appear on your site.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:35 amESTI still don’t understand how you can watch that show. It hurts my brain to think about the lovely and talented Rachl Lukis, whom I so wish to be like, watching reality TV. And she doesn’t like musical theater. I may just cry my little heart out.
That song is called “Music of The Night,” by the way. And it’s “savor each sensation,” not “my savory sensation.” I cracked up when I read that because it made me think of dog food commercials. You know, the ones that always talk about savory beef flavor! It gave me the sudden, and definitely unbidden, mental picture of the Phantom pouring Alpo all over the leading lady.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:42 amESTI agree about Syesha being mostly an actress, and sometimes it annoys me, but last night she was the only performer who did right by the genre. I don’t think that should be discounted just because the genre sucks. Brooke deserves to go, but honestly I’m more tired of Carly.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:44 amESTAmen to Preacher Lissa. Rachel, you don’t hate Broadway music, you hate Andrew Lloyd Webber music. This is a very rational response to an aesthetically displeasing ‘art’ form. A guide to a few that I have seen:
Les Miserables - very good; you have to have a great singer doing Valjean - one of the songs is technically very difficult (Bring Him Home)
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:20 amESTPhantom of the Opera - sucks
Sunset Boulevard - sucks, but less vacuum than Phantom
Chicago - very good and the dancing is incredible
Lion King - mediocre songs, brilliant staging
Starlight Express - trite, lousy songs; fun staging
Anything Goes - great songs, great dancing
Cats - the worst musical ever in history. For this alone, Andrew Lloyd Webber deserves to be killed. Then, we should spend billions of dollars to figure out a way to bring him back to life, so we can kill him again. It’s that bad. Not coincidentally, the song ‘Memory’ is from Cats.
Idol has completely bored me to tears this year, though I watch because my wife withholds sex if I don’t (kidding). Here are a couple of Brit kids from one of Simon’s other shows, Britain Has Talent, who were absolutely amazing, and as The Anchoress (whom I lifted this from) says, these kids outsing all the contestants on AI this year.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:26 amESTSnowdog says:
I second, third and fourth that. So let it be written, so let it be done…
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:32 amESTSyesha was definately in her element, she looked more happy and confident last night than ever before.
I wonder who the VIP was whose kids got not only to sit front row at the live show, but actually be invited on stage to actually touch David Archuleta?
Will they do a Bottom 3 with only 6 folks left? Either way, Jason or Brooke need to go next.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:34 amESTIt’s hard to see anyone but Jason going home on this one. He was so cluelessly, painfully lost on what to do. Broadway music generally sucks — which mostly has to do with its insipid content when listened to out of context — but if you know that’s what you’ve got to do, you should figure a way to adapt. It’s a job audition, after all. Cook understands this, and that’s why he let ALW fondle him — because it was professionally valuable for him to listen to the guy. Jen’s comments are spot-on. The dude is pleasing a large audience with his music, so there ought to be something you can learn from him if you are a musician. That doesn’t mean you have to think it’s anything other than pap that he writes, however. Also, I thought Carly had her only good night so far. Even her husband looked less scary and more amusing in the cut-away. Sayeesha the Dippy Diva is entirely affectation. Girl’s got no soul. Archeleta my wife and I call “The Boyish Assassin” when we can remember him at all. Brooke’s like a pitcher with stuff — but absolutely no control. The night was a trainwreck for her. At least all of them beat the Pennsylvannia Primary karoake-fest!
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:49 amESTI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - unless a musical openly involves cannibalism, I want nothing to do with it. That especially includes Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:50 amESTI will say that Broadway musicals aren’t what they once were. I’m not a huge Webber fan myself anyway—now, Sondheim’s another matter entirely. I got the nickname “Sweeney Todd” in college after a little incident involving me coming home one over the eight (okay, I was reeling) and singing arias from Sweeney Todd. And I have such a long list of people who I’d send up to his barbershop for a makeover…
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:53 amESTBeing in a deliberately tv-less household, there are exactly two reasons I have any interest in ‘Idol’ at all —
1) There was a kid that one of my kids actually knew(in their children’s theatre days) in the first round-up for this season, before the culling began.
2) Rachel’s reporting.
That said, wouldn’t it have been much better if what’s-his-name had sung the Letterman version of the Cats song?
“Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping, all alone in their little beds . . . “
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:59 amESTTwo guys are lined up in front of a firing squad. The General asks the first man if he has a final request.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:12 amESTThe first man says, “Yes I would like to hear the complete works of Andrew Lloyd Webber”
The General says alright, and then asks the second man if he has a final request.
The second man says, “Yes, shoot me first!”
The best rendition of an Andrew Lloyd Webber song I ever heard was done by the Finnish symphonic-metal band Nightwish. Here is their live version of “Phantom of the Opera,” with (former) lead singer Tarja Turunen singing Christine’s part, and bassist Marco Hietala singing the Phantom.
Unless the Idol contestants can do that well, color me unimpressed.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:15 amESTThank you, Rachel. You have reminded me why I never watch crap like this. Life’s too short as it is, and watching Idol is an hour (or two) of my life that I’ll never get back.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:22 amESTRachel, you should really listen to Lamont on this, he knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:26 amESTWhen I was dating I took my boyfriend to see “MIss Siagon.” When we got out he turned to me and said, very solemnly, that he never wanted me to do that to him again. Ever.
I have not, and we’ve been married for twelve years now. He’s a forgiving man.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:38 amESTOkay, I will confess… I actually LIKE musical theater! But out of ALW’s stuff, I really only like “Phantom” - and unlike my friends in high school who were totally wrapped up in the musical, I read the novel (which is VERY different) as well. Give me Rodgers and Hammerstein any day. That being said, David Cook was the best of the bunch. I predict either Brooke or Jason is out.
Oh, and those girls hugging David Archuleta… three of them were his sisters, and I think the rest were their giggly-crazy friends.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:11 pmESTLamont also knows blues.
I seriously did not even know about the “The Shadow” character until just now. Lamont Cranston was the perennial State Fair act in Minnesota back in the day. The “Upper Mississippi Shakedown” was standard fare for munching on a Pronto Pup with a side of curds.
They’ve since been replaced by REO Speedwagon and Night Ranger.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:21 pmESTMy hatred of musicals began when I was 13 and was jolted out of a wonderful Saturday morning sleep in by my mom playing the title track from ‘Oaklahoma’ at full volume and it was only 7am.
I still have nightmares about it.
Oh, and Andrew Lloyd Weber does suck, especially ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ - god I hate that one.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:34 pmESTI only knew “The Shadow” thanks to that hokey (yet some how still entertaining) movie from the ’90’s starring Aaaric Baaardwin.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:36 pmESTHmmmm . . . On one hand, I’m a big fan on Andrew Lloyd Webber. On the other hand, I’m actually a big fan of his music done right, and I can see where, being exposed to it via American Idol, you would think poorly of it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:44 pmESTSharkman,
thank you for that link of the two Brit boys (@10:26 a.m.). I’m still sniffling and wiping off my cheeks after watching Andrew. Incredible.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:08 pmESTCosmo,
You mean your folks didn’t own the Longines Symphonette LP, The Golden Days of Radio?? Oh, the deprivation!
Erbo,
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pmESTMy daughters found Nightwish because of their love for Phantom (which their dad prefers they listen to with headphones, plzkthx — heh)! They love Tarja, one recently bought ‘My Winter Storm’, but can’t stand Anette!
OK - you should put a warning up just before your whole exchange between David Cook and The Sir because if you are eating carrots when you are reading that, you risk a SERIOUS choking fit!!
That was hilarious because it was oh-so-true!!
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:07 pmESTALW must have being ready these posts because he had David A. stop his blind man routine and keep his eyes open. I was forced to actually LISTEN to that little bastard instead of making fun of him. DAMN YOU ALW, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:14 pmESTI was at my son’s varsity baseball game last evening. Sounds like I didn’t miss a thing but maybe a few painful homoments. But I did come up with an idea for a new American Idol take-off. American Opera Idol. Seriously.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:24 pmESTWell, I actually do musical theatre — I’m in the cast of a musical right now, in fact — so obviously I like it. But it’s certainly not for everyone. And individual styles and tastes vary, of course. I always listen to the soundtrack of a musical (if it’s available) before deciding whether to audition, because it would suck to spend two months of my life rehearsing and performing songs that I hate.
I guess my tastes favor the old-school stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed being in the cast of Carousel (Rogers & Hammerstein) and Candide (Leonard Bernstein) because I loved the music. But when my theatre did Urinetown (Hollman & Kotis) last season, I listened to the songs and didn’t care for them at all. So I skipped the auditions for that one.
The next season has just been announced, and the musicals include Hot Mikado (a 1940s big-band makeover of the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta) and Cabaret. I don’t know that either of those will do much for me. But there’s also Side by Side, a Steven Sondheim musical revue. I probably won’t be able to resist the temptation to try out for that.
Felicity: My parents owned The Golden Age of Radio, and I listened to the whole thing many times. (And last October I was in the cast of The Battle of Shallowford, a comedy about what happens in Shallowford, NC on the night of October 30, 1938, when the War of the Worlds radio drama airs and everyone thinks the Martians are invading.)
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:23 pmESTWhat darkcoffee said. When you’re up there, there are exactly 2 groups that matter:
the judgesSimon and the studio audience. Play to the camera when you can and the in-person watchers won’t mind. Simon gives good advice and the standard herd instinct means squeals in the audience translates to votes on the phones.So David worked it pretty well. Not a dry seat in the house.
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:37 pmESTYou really need to trademark homoment. You know you are going to be seeing it and hearing it everywhere now!
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:40 pmESTNo one has mentioned “Chess” yet? OK, I will then……”Chess” is a good musical….check it out. “One Night In Bangcok” is the worst number in the soundtrack.
Lance
P.S. Watch me on “Jeopardy!” thursday the 24th!
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:47 pmESTWell, this is a bit off-topic but still TV related. Are you watching LOST this season, Rachel?
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:58 pmESTBrooke White needs to go. NOW. She belongs in a church basement singing Carly Simon songs. Get her out of here!
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:34 pmESTI posit that “homoment” could refer to an instant of gayness as well as one of prostitute-ness. Think about it.
It’s either Brooke or Jason hitting the road after tonight’s show, I think.
AnnaD - Don’t tell me anything about this season of LOST! My hubby and I are a season behind (watching on DVD).
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:39 pmESTAndrew Lloyd Weber isn’t Broadway musicals. Rogers & Hammerstein, and Lerner & Lowe, and a few other magical combinations are Broadway musicals. Hating Broadway musicals because of Andrew Lloyd Weber is like hating wine because of Boone’s Farm.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:45 pmESTDC was truly awesome in his interpretation. I got the sense that he was being respectful of Lord Webber’s creation and I appreciate it. It is an extremely difficult song to master. For those who loathe, detest, despise Broadway musicals, um, Phantom isn’t really that — it’s really musical theatre, very different. I strongly recommend the movie version with Gerard Butler whose voice is non-standard for the role and remakes the tortured composer into an edgier, more compelling and yes, more accessible creature. Plus, he’s excruciatingly handsome. And did you happen to appreciate DC’s subtle theatric touches during his performance? Well, I did and it just keeps carving his name a little deeper into my music library.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:38 pmESTMs Lukis, would you please sic Sunny on Roger Friedman over at Fox? I place all blame for the disappearance of DC’s solo, self-produced 2006-07 album “Analog Heart” from Amazon on that whining martinet’s self-licking, char-blackened soul.
Every funny moment is funnier, and every homoment is gayer, in a British accent.
Sorry, but it is.
“Ooww…CHUH! Chah-lay bet may!”
April 24th, 2008 at 12:19 amESTYou hate Broadway? You must be heterosexual!
April 24th, 2008 at 3:24 pmESTAs for ALW, I heard a story from Sir Peter Maxwell Davies (the ranking Brit classical composer) about how during the Thatcher era, the head of their big composers organization went to 10 Downing St. to plump for more arts money. Maggie’s response? “I can’t believe you composers aren’t doing well! Why, look at Lloyd Webber!”
Rachel…..Go see Rent. I promise you will change your mind about Broadway music after that.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:31 pmESTAs someone else noted, the song you liked was “Music of the Night.”
As far as I’m concerned, that is enough reason by itself to buy Paul Pott’s “One Chance” album. Or you can google it and no doubt find a performance for free. He won “Britain’s Got Talent” last year–and Simon (same guy) was one of the judges.
Okay, check out Paul’s winning performance of Nessun Dorma at
April 24th, 2008 at 6:51 pmESThttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA
No one disses Jesus Christ Superstar and lives without hearing my own rendition of “This Jesus Must Die.” You won’t know when, until it’s too late. You’ll never ever have a clue I’m coming. You’ve been warned.
OTOH, everything else Webber has done is balls. And not the good, British variety.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:05 amESTHave you nothing better to do with your spare time than watching the crap you just described?
If thine TV offend thee, turn the f0rnicating thing off.
April 25th, 2008 at 5:05 amESTBritish balls are better than other kinds? I did not know that.
April 25th, 2008 at 9:47 amESTI will be really interested to see/hear Rachl’s take on this weeks “Neil Diamond” songsesses.
What perrectly good Neil song can tickle-me-archuletta butcher into utter am-jam boredome?!
April 28th, 2008 at 6:47 pmEST