Bold new blogging horizons: I deconstruct my very own post.
One of the problematic things about blogging is the weird balancing act between how seriously you take yourself, how seriously your readers take you, how seriously you take your readers taking you seriously, and so on. My last post is a good example. I knocked that stupid thing out in about 10 minutes, hit publish, and went back to work at my real job. I was actually serious about maybe 5% of what I said.
When I came back, there were 3 emails in my inbox telling me I was way off base and that I was actually advocating socialism whether I knew it or not, along with a good handful of similar comments, including one from my friend Carbo, who said he thinks I have a genuine deficiency in my understanding of and love for freedom. And another one from someone appalled that I advocated conceal-carry laws, which is interesting because I, in fact, didn’t mention guns at all.
So then I spend a few minutes wondering to myself whether these commenters and emailers who are dismayed are actually being serious themselves, and then I wonder, if I make a post about this to say duh, I wasn’t being serious, will some other group of people think I’m taking it all too seriously? Whatever. I’m doing it because if nothing else, it’ll be fun to “fisk” my own post. So to assuage the fears of any who think my hastily- and poorly-written list of things I’d do as dictator reflects my actual, real thoughts about pragmatic solutions to society’s ills, here. Let me tell you where I’m wrong.
“1. Banish Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand, and anyone else who needs it to the Isle of Cuba. Permanently.”
Total violation of civic and human rights. Completely unacceptable behavior for a civilized society, as neither Moore nor Streisand have committed any crime or treasonous act, as would likely be determined by a just court of law.
“2. Turn half of all golf courses into free-range dog shelters.”
State seizure of private property to satisfy the whim of a dictator: Very, very bad.
“3. Implement the No Babies for You Program, which involves mandatory sterilization of every citizen at puberty, only to be surgically reversed upon reaching the age of 25, having $10,000 or more in a cash account (in addition to paying for the surgical reversal out-of-pocket), holding full health coverage, being married, and passing an IQ test with a result of over 100. At least. Within 10-20 years, this will automatically eliminate the vast majority of abortions, welfare, gangbangers, and so on.”
I don’t even know where to start with this one. Government control of the most basic of human rights (bodily autonomy), economic eugenics (only the rich get to breed), and a massive and unacceptable trend downward in population growth (leaving preceding generations completely screwed as there won’t be enough young workers to do jobs and pay taxes). It would be an unmitigated disaster and utterly foolish.
“4. Legalize, regulate, and tax the living SHIT out of marijuana. Use the profits to eliminate the federal deficit. I’m almost not kidding; it’s probably possible. People like to smoke dope.”
Well, come on. Nothing wrong with that one.
“5. Require every voter to pass a political science test before voting. If you don’t know what communism did to the world in the 20th century or what socialism is doing to it in the 21st century, no vote for you. Go home and start reading books.”
Sounds like something Nazis would do. Actually, isn’t this similar to those old laws that kept blacks from voting because they were illiterate? Sure, it would be NICE if people knew how stuff worked, but obviously you can’t require it or you do not have a democracy.
“6. Quadruple the pay of all military personnel. Also impose a salary cap on the amount “entertainers” are allowed to be paid for being nothing more than performance monkeys.”
Wrong, and wrong. If you make military jobs monetarily lucrative, you will likely ruin the very core of what works about the military because you’ll have a bunch of assholes joining up who only do so for the cash. Not for the glory or the honor or the duty.
And forcibly capping the earnings of any honest tradesman, including artists, is anathema to everything any sensible person believes about the free market, capitalism, and all kinds of other important concepts. If free people want to throw their panties and dollar bills at Michael Jackson, then free people shall; otherwise they aren’t free. It’s not Michael Jackson’s fault that millions of people have bad taste and poor judgment, and if they want to transfer their hard-earned money into his coffers, that’s their business and his business, not the government’s.
“7. Capture every illegal immigrant and make them build an actual physical wall the entire length of all our borders. When they’re done, put them on the other side of it.”
It’s called slave labor, and it is not okay. Also, closing the borders completely would be an economic disaster for the U.S. Besides, who pays for the wall? How do you feed millions of laborers out in the middle of nowhere? What about the children and elderly among them?
“8. Eliminate criminal liability for people who realize the only way they’re going to get through that aisle at Target is to ram the oblivious asshole blocking it with your cart.”
Slippery slope. Vigilantism. Cranky people in supermarkets taking out their private rage and despair on whoever they decide is in their way.
“9. Free tacos for all citizens every third Tuesday.”
I’m keeping this one. It’s just sound policy.
10. “Forget that ‘temporary’ shit. Make self Dictator for Life.”
Look how well that worked out for Caesar and for Rome. Quite poorly, that’s how.
See? I get it, I really do. I promise I’m not a commie plant.
Now about those tacos.
#9 Free Tacos
May 1st, 2008 at 3:30 pmESTSOCIALIST!
Dudette, I’m sooo high, what did yu say???? Oh, yeah, legalize bong water? Righteous.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:32 pmESTYeah, I was a bit surprised at how seriously you were taken ~ I thought the silliness was obvious, but then there is the silly within silly factor…..ok, so my head, it hurts.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:34 pmESTTACOS!
May 1st, 2008 at 3:36 pmESTBona dies requiem. !thwump!
We takez evvyting Rachl Lukis sez wit teh xtreem seriousznez..
Bona dies requiem. !thwump!
May 1st, 2008 at 3:38 pmESTyou are very funny. also, as someone who took you seriously–um, sorry? why were so many of us looking to dicker about it all? i guess we needed some outlet. also? where did i get the gun thing? did i misread something? read someone else’s comment? sorry on that point. let to interesting discussion though.
but please admit that you are a commie plant! (see kidding–lighthearted!) thank you.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:39 pmESTRachel,
Isn’t the point of being a dictator that you don’t have to follow the rules?
Retract your statements and go with the original.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:40 pmESTI second the Taco provision only if we get a free drink as well. But who am I to say. It is, after all, your dictatorship.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:44 pmESTI liked the original post. It was a rage against all the screwed up things Rachel feels powerless to fix. What’s wrong with that? Anyone who took it seriously probably hasn’t been reading this blog for long.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:49 pmESTYo quiero Taco Bell!
Eh, gota dream once in a while right? Frustration with societal ills brews this up.
My second and 28th amendments still stand though.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:52 pmESTHeh, awesome.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:52 pmESTYou really had to explain that the last post was a joke? REALLY? Wow, sometimes I think the interweb is just not that snart.
(PS that was a JOKE, just in case anyone missed it, I know it’s called the internet, and how to spell smart, OK?)
May 1st, 2008 at 3:55 pmESTI have delved into the depths of the SunnyLOL Archives seeking an appropriate way to properly and subtly express the statement “Some people need to develop a sense of humor.”
Hey, it’s a start!
May 1st, 2008 at 3:57 pmESTWould it still be ok to capture every illegal immigrant and make them built a VIRTUAL wall?
May 1st, 2008 at 4:01 pmESTOh yeah, I also had no problems with #4 and #9. Especially #9. OK, I do have a problem with #9. It should be EVERY Thursday.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:02 pmESTNow fisk the fisk while shouting, “I am Ouroboros!”
May 1st, 2008 at 4:10 pmESTThere was an article years ago by a doctor, or a group of doctors, analyzing the actual, physical damage that Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci (I think it was them) would have sustained in the various injuries inflicted on them during the movie “Home Alone.” All very clinical and serious and correct…and all pointing out how besides-the-point the Clinical and Serious and Correct can sometimes be.
Likewise this. If people couldn’t read what you wrote with tongue firmly in cheek–understanding the humor but also seeing the genuine complaint that motivated it–then, you know, someone needs to teach them how to read. Not decode. READ.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:11 pmESTI was just surprised you chose to impose stuff, rather than getting rid of stuff. I’m not sure how I’d confine myself to a list of 10, I’d have to creatively lump stuff together.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:12 pmESTOk, for me the dead give-away that this was all tongue-in-cheek was the premise: “Temporary Supreme Dictator of America”.
Yeah, I’m snart like that.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:12 pmESTTruth be told, I think a policy similar to this one might not be a half-bad idea.
Not a test before every vote, mind you, but perhaps a test in order to register to vote. Just like you take a test before earning a driver’s license.
Also, the issue with the literacy tests in the Jim Crow South was not that they disenfranchised illiterate blacks but that they were unfairly applied. Many districts required blacks, but not whites, to take literacy tests. Others had different tests for each race (the one for blacks was invariably much harder).
Truly illiterate people SHOULD be prevented from voting. It does a disservice to the nation and is about as productive as closing your eyes and jabbing your finger randomly at your vote form in order to choose who you vote for. But the standard must be applied equally and fairly.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:34 pmESTYou see, this is why I lurk in shadows of anonymity—I have a total lack of tact and grace.
I’ll explain myself with a lengthy email this weekend.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:37 pmESTI really see nothing wrong with the way you think. I have often talked about how great it would be if there was a surgical procedure that would prevent pregnancy until you had it reversed. I think we all agree having your tubes tied isn’t ideal. It would prevent women from having to have that “to abort or not to abort” debate with themselves. It also means people would have kids they want rather than creating accidental kids with asshole men they don’t love because they got drunk one night and forgot to wrap it. Of course, there’d still be those psycho chicks who intentionally get pregnant to keep that asshole who doesn’t love them around. What idiots. Don’t apologize for your views Rachel. I think you’re spot on on MANY of them.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:38 pmESTRachel, have you considered the effects your taco mandate will have on global warming?! As in, this might actually cause it to be true — because… Well, you get the idea. 300,000,000 people eating Tex-Mex at once…and then comes, as they say on American Idol, the Elimination Round.
There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch, my friend!
May 1st, 2008 at 4:52 pmESTDon’t forget that we already don’t have a democracy… I don’t mean that in a BushyChimpyMcHalliburtonCheney-shredded-the-Constitution way like the loony tunes do, but rather that we of course live in a Constitutional Republic… the Founding Fathers rightly saw Democracy as Mob Rule.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:55 pmESTLOL I figured it was all in jest but I admit to a little head tilt (the way my dog does when confused about something).
I knew our gracious leader wouldn’t lead us astray.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:55 pmEST…um actually it kind of is okay. The 13th amendment reads as follows:
Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.
If it’s illegal to sneak in, that’s a crime and we can punish you by making you build the wall…
May 1st, 2008 at 4:56 pmESTTANSTAAFTaco, however, I like the policy.
I’d finally be able to clear out that desk drawer filled with excess taco sauce.
And it gives the wall builders a day off every three weeks so they can prepare the feast.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:08 pmESTWe can funnel the resultant gas into collectors to lower our energy bills.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:13 pmEST7. People in prison can be put to work. That is why Mississippi still calls them prison farms. No prob with this one.
8. Physical force can be justified. If the aisle blocking asshole can convince 12 good and true that she really did have a reason to stand in the middle of the aisle and chew her cud, then you get fined.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:23 pmESTi say keep the first post per “Steve” (above).
that way we get to overthrow you, which is what we do with dictators.
sic semper, baby, sic semper
May 1st, 2008 at 5:48 pmESTPshaw! I self-fisked a post way back in my Chaos Central days… now if only I hadn’t deleted that website.
…
Okay, you win. You’re the clevererest.
It’s always cuter when people do thing while wearing a helmet.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:08 pmESTNow THIS is serious, Rachel.
Superman’s sex life………
http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html
May 1st, 2008 at 6:12 pmESTHey…. I kinda liked the original……
May 1st, 2008 at 6:20 pmESTWhat’s the fucking point in being Dictator for Life if you have to bow to the will of the peons? What do they know? If they were so fucking smart THEY would be dictator and could institute all the panzy, feel-good rules they wanted to. FUCK EM ALL! Dictators RULE! Now I’m off to grab my bong and a few tacos and watch the illegals slave over the wall.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:29 pmESTNo, illegal aliens should be deported, period. Turning them into slave labor (even if it is marginally Constitutional) is a monumentally bad idea.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:03 pmESTOh, and for the last time, we don’t live in a democracy. This is a republic.
Democracies don’t WORK. Republics do… sorta until they make themselves democracies.
The more this becomes a democracy(hated 17th amendment) the closer we get to anarchy and democratic despotism.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:06 pmESTyeah, sure. You can fisk yourself fine. The JOY I’m anticipating when you are World Tyrant is the shock and awe when you are giving the speech outlining the prior posts new world order.
Then, into the the terrified silence, hearing you say: “Just kidding.” and getting down to business.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:30 pmESTDoes fisking yourself count as some kind of bizarre blogger masturbation?
Youth wants to know!
May 1st, 2008 at 7:43 pmESTAutoerotic AsFISKiation™
May 1st, 2008 at 7:56 pmESTWhat, she’s choking a car?
May 1st, 2008 at 8:14 pmESTLooks like it is time for N.O’Brain to go back to prefix school!
No, really, she’s fisking a car. With a whip.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:24 pmESTCan we at least make it a requirement that would-be Congressmen and Senators have actually HAD a real job for X number of years? That might be a step in the direction of them NOT legislating from some fantasy world. Also might put a kink in some of the dynasties…
May 1st, 2008 at 10:01 pmESTHey! If they can’t take a joke - fuck’em!!
May 1st, 2008 at 10:21 pmESTWell, I posted mine, and I’m quite sure that #10: “Cowboy boots with business suits will be mandatory attire for the Legislature” makes it plain that I was being humorous.
But, #7, “Nuke Tehran. Let the Syrians know they’re next. Then, nuke Damascus,” was quite serious.
So…it’s a mixed bag.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:22 pmESTHoly shit! People actually took that last post seriously? Really? Have they actually ever read your stuff?
Eesh. I found your answers quite funny. However, there’s already been an Emperor here in the US, so I think that you’ll never get your wish.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:27 pmESTNo, illegal aliens should be deported, period.
Not until AFTER we confiscate all their advanced galactic technology. And their neuralizers. I really really want one of them neuralizers.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:47 pmESTPeople took this seriously?
That’s just nuts.
Taco, Taco, Tacos!! Fish Tacos!!
May 1st, 2008 at 11:06 pmESTOh sure, a few people whine and you go all wobbly on me. Not very dictatorial.
I’d keep them all. I’ll give up a few golf courses to get the tacos.
Oh, and not much fair about taking a healthy slice of my income because A) some people are ill informed of the consequences of fornication, B) there are many people who are so ill-informed about real life that they keep voting into office the people who think that confiscating my money and sending it to the A group is just a dandy thing to do, and C) another bloc of people who fit the B description are illegal and shouldn’t a) be here or b) be voting or taking handouts. So Nazi-esque or not, I’m keeping all of your laws.
There’s nothing in that list that isn’t trumped by the rapidfire infringement of my rights that the federal government is doing now, and I have a pretty strong feeling that Chairman Rachl will roll back some of the current nonsense.
Plus, I’ll lost a little liberty for free tacos. Are we talking Jack-in-the-Box here? I miss those in IL.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:17 pmESTMarijuana. Yeah. Don’t smoke it myself but I like the idea of sick people being able to. Here’s the problem with the whole “tax the shit out of it” idea, a fun but flawed plan:
Pot is pretty damn unique. Not in how it causes you to get all giggly and hungry, but because it’s just so damn easy to grow. (comparatively) Now, if everyone has there little hydroponic grower thingy or maybe a green house, or hell, heat lamp over the bathtub, who is gonna pay a tax on it? Who is gonna sell it retail, when every Tom, Dick and Rachel has there own pot patch. We chew on that for awhile and then lightbulbs start to go on over heads and we realize why the government won’t leagalize it. There is no money in it. Why bother. Nobody will get rich, cept the grocery store dude. Keep the people on those other, hard to manufacture meds, that don’t do shit, and tax the hell out of the Pharmacutical company, thank you very much.
Poor marijuana. Even cocaine is legal for ENT surgery.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:55 pmESTAl Koholek says it all about marijuana.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 amESTRachel,
I agree with number 3!! I am 27 and I have NEVER wanted kids…ever. I inquired with my “lady doctor” about getting my tubes tied and was told “no” because I was not 30 and/or I had not had given birth. Right dumbass I don’t want to EVER give birth, you went to Med School right? figure it out…
I was told that if I wanted to get my tubes tied I would have to go to “classes” to make sure that I was mentally stable…ummm OK, but yet these losers can crap out 4 and 5 kids without making sure that they are capable of actually caring for these future felons…
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:40 amEST“easy to grow….who is gonna pay a tax on it? Who is gonna sell it retail….”
Al Koholek - I think you’ve missed the boat on this one. Good beer is easy to brew, but every bar I’ve been to has been loaded with tax paying, retail beer swilling people. Even with a name like Al Koholek I’ll bet you don’t make your own booze.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:51 amESTI thought your original post was funny and I thought it was obviously “tongue in cheek”.
Oh and surely someone will point out that some people don’t eat meat, can’t have dairy, don’t like tacos…blah, blah, blah. Can I have theirs?
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:48 amESTUhh, if you legalize pot, you’re gonna need a lot more free tacos….
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 amESTYou were joking? Really? Damn.
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 amESTRemember when I asked if you could start next Monday? Well, forget about it. I take it back. If you’re going to be another politician and say you didn’t say it, or didn’t mean it, then I’m not going to let you be my taterdick, erm, dictator!
To B…
First of all, I used to brew my own beer. You do know what assume is short for, right? I Had all the goodies, and got burned out on the mess, and the wait, and expense. Now I prefer to keep my head about me and stay off the stuff. Brweing beer is a pain in the ass. I figure you might know a little about it, so I will spare everyone the brewing lesson. Think of all the supplies you need to brew beer. It’s all taxable, less you use tap water, and only clowns who brew bad beer do that. In most states, if not all, you are still limited in how much you can legally brew, lest you take too much tax money out of the mouths of government. Wait..wait, it’s dawning on you. Now think of the reletively small amount of supplies you need to grow Pot. So what do you tax? Maybe increase the cost of electricity? Water? Dirt is damn cheap where I live. Will SOME commodities that assist in cultivation see an increase if Pot is made legal? Sure, some, but it won’t make up for the lost revenue of current medicine. And THAT is the real important part of the argument and your bad analogy B…. Beer does not replace many know medical remedies and their accompanying high cost medications. If your point is that some things will see an increase in commercial taxable sales if pot is legal, then your point is correct. If you think legalized pot will NOT have a massive impact and a loss of tax revenue, it is you, who has missed the boat.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 amESTAl Koholek - You believe that everyone interested in it will grow their own, and no one will buy a commercially produced product. My point is that like beer, there will be a number of home-growers, but the vast majority will buy commercially produced (and taxed) product. Just my opinion - I could be wrong.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 amESTRule #1 of your new regime: Never, EVER, explain yourself.
Anyone not getting/appreciating your obvious humor gets a state sponsored butt hurtin’
Yea Taco Tuesdays, but how about a McNugget Monday for the mutts too.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:33 amESTRachel,
The reason I (and so many of us) like you is that you say [write] what most of are thinking but are afraid to articulate (especially as well as you). That’s all you were doing on the original post. The ones who couldn’t see that must be unaware of SARCASM.
Keep it coming.
MG
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:24 amESTAs long as they’re FISH TACOS — TACO TUESDAY works for ME!!!
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:23 pmEST*Bows before Supreme Dictatoress of America*
To B..
Making marijuana legal, then “taxing the hell out of it” will do what taxing the hell out of everything else does…force people to get it from taxless channels. Marijuana isn’t like cigarettes or beer or tomatoes. There is a trillion dollar industry that will be seriously hurt should the government take marijuana off the drug schedules. That’s a lot of lost tax revenue that will not be replaced by the legalization of an easy to grow weed. Even growing pot in your own back yard for YOUR use only is deemed interstate commerce, per a 6-3 decision of the Supreme Court of the US. Raich vs Ashcroft is a great read. I think most rational people who read that, will come away with the overwelming impression that it’s all about money, or the lack there of that legalization will bring about. They would not be able to replace the revenue of high priced drugs, with that of a very very low revenue drug, even with super high taxes, because as we all know, raising taxes loweres consumption, and tax revenue. People would turn to alternative sources for pot, and now your not getting pot revenue, OR high priced drug revenue.
I am all for legalization in some respects, but lets not kid ourselves. If the government COULD find a way to medically implement it and tax the crap out of it, they would, hence the only reson not too…lost revenue from current drug companies.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 pmESTGeez…
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:59 pmESTI are a fire-breathing radical libertarian (which you aren’t and don’t pretend to be) and I laughed my ass off! So what’s with some people?
Some of your readers obviously need a Rachel idol to put in a small shrine in their homes.
It would be another profit point for you and you could even hawk Rachel blessed incense, go-alongs and fortune cookies with Rachel wisdom to be opened and eaten during the adoration ceremonies.
Any cult leader who doesn’t sucker her drooling sycophants is merely insecure.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:02 amEST