The Daily Dog: possum - it’s what’s for dinner.
The night Rupert and I got back from Illinois, Sunny and Maggie were still at my parents’ house and I went out on the patio to relax. Which was immediately made impossible because as soon as I sat down, I heard…scurrying. From atop the fence.
Almost wishing Maggie was here so that she could protect me from what I knew must be one of those disgusting rodent-like proofs that God is mean, I made the ill-informed decision to grab the flashlight and verify my suspicions.
There was not “a” possum. THERE WERE THREE POSSUMS. Or should that be possi? Possae?
And as soon as I shone the light of humanity upon them, they all froze, turned their pointy little faces toward me, and stared like you might imagine Satan stares at you from hell in your worst nightmares of lonely death. Seriously, I hate possums. They’re just not right.
So of course I went inside and got the camera because I should like to share with you the sheer breadth and depth of how foul these things are and help you understand why I was so intensely revolted when Maggie devoured that other one with such relish.
The two smaller possums took cover behind leaves but the biggest one, which was easily the size of a large housecat but with a ropey tail twice as long as any kitty’s, a tail that simply should not exist in nature, held its ground and posed belligerently for its mug shot, which you see above.
I had to fight the urge to scream, vomit, and run all at the same time to get that picture. Sacrifices must be made for art, after all.
The dogs came home the next day, and no further possum sightings have occurred. I guess they’re smarter than they look.
Oh, shit. Does this make me racist against possums?
Excellent photo, Rachel!
I actually think that makes you a speciest.
Way to fight the urge for flight, BTW!!
Your’re right to be suspicious — thank god Maggie’s about, because that ain’t no tail. You know how squirrels actually ARE aliens? Well, possums actually turn into alien face huggers (aka bowels of hell dwelling minions of satan/or crab people) without dogs present:
You are one brave chick, Ripley!
July 7th, 2008 at 4:57 pmESTOh my God, Rachel. People usually laugh their asses off at me when I tell them that possums TERRIFY me. I saw one once at night, all illuminated by someone’s motion light sensor thingie, right on the doorstep, blocking my way inside the house. It stared its beady, ugly little possum eyes and me, and I stared at it. And I was FROZEN. I just KNEW that if I moved, it was going to like, charge me, bite me, and give me nasty possum diseases. It was the ugliest, scariest, most evil looking creature I have ever seen in my LIFE.
So, way to go Maggie. The more possums she happily devours, the less of those evil creatures there are!
July 7th, 2008 at 4:59 pmESTEww! I agree… those tails are NASTY!!!! You a brave woman!!!
July 7th, 2008 at 5:04 pmESTWhere’s Granny Clampett when you need her?
Possums.must.die. Sooner, rather than later.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:08 pmESTActually, they’re rather pleasant little guys, very disease-resistant, and useful to a yard, where they devour snails and other crawling nasties. They’re just ugly as sin, that’s all.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:14 pmESTYou’re only racist if your dog’s culinary traditions make you say “yuk.”
July 7th, 2008 at 5:17 pmESTAwwwww, look at the little cutie possum!
Who’s a goooood possum??? Whoooooo’s a good little possum??? Yes you are!! Yes you areeee…. AHHHHHHH it bit my face!!!
MY EYES!!! I CAN’T FEEL MY EYES!!!
July 7th, 2008 at 5:17 pmESTOoh, those eyes look evil.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:26 pmESTWhat is going on above and behind the possum in that photo? Is it my monitor, or is there some sort of demon lurking there?
July 7th, 2008 at 5:29 pmESTI hear possum gumbo is pretty good. Well, no so much good, just edible.
My dog used to bark at the possums on the fence and they would just freeze there looking stupid. I guess they think they’re invisible when they stand still.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:38 pmESTMmmmm… target practice!
July 7th, 2008 at 5:41 pmESTmy absolute funniest joke…
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum it could be done!
July 7th, 2008 at 5:43 pmESTOkay…three things.
1) You aren’t a racist against possums. you’re a Possumist.
2) Plural for ‘possum’ is ‘infestation’.
3) From experience, they do NOT immediately ‘play possum’. Instead, they show you a mouth full of approximately 632,499 teeth and hiss like a sack of snakes.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:51 pmESTIt’s Opossum, isn’t it?
July 7th, 2008 at 5:51 pmESTRachel, get yourself a great big tiny little Mossberg 590A with a rifled barrel and load it with a couple deer slugs.
No, wait… I mean, bird shot. Then shoot them. This will fatally wound them but they will have enough energy to run away and die in someone else’s yard.
Rachel, I thought you were a big girl.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:53 pmESTAre you scared of bugs and rodents also, or is it just North America’s only Marsupial?
That thing looks like a RAT! A big, ugly, scary, smelly rat! WTF??? I’ve never seen one before!
July 7th, 2008 at 6:00 pmESTWell shucks, I guess I gotta be the big retard and go on record as sayin’ possums are pretty cool.
Not as cute as raccons, but similar in temperment.
But best enjoyed at a respectful distance.
Or in a good stew.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:01 pmESTTry coming home after a holiday to discover that a possie has climbed down your chimney and trashed your living room. Do you know the damage possies can do to curtains? My, that was a large insurance job on my parents’ behalf.
And they hiss.
Fucking horrible critters.
Make great insoles, though.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:02 pmESTI’m with Jennifer - I see a large shouldered something leaning to it’s right, with a vertical slit for a mouth.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:04 pmESTOh, come on now!
Possum Stew
Sweet Taters
Collard Greens
Black-eyed Peas
Cornbread with butter & Black Strap Molassass
Veritable food of the gods, people!
[As I said before, the possum has more teeth than any animal in North America. 52, I believe]
July 7th, 2008 at 6:25 pmESTDid Rachel come up with her own “magic eye” poster here?
I totally suck at those, and I can’t see squat here, either.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:31 pmESTWe get possums all the time, mostly because we leave food out for the feral cats in the neighborhood and the possums and raccoons take advantage. Possums are cute, in a weird sort of way, and I don’t mind them. I don’t interfere with them, either, when they’re on the porch, because of all those teeth. They stare, by the way, because they have very bad eyesight. They seem to be glaring, but what they’re thinking is, “WTF is that?”
July 7th, 2008 at 6:39 pmESTGeesh, Rach, no need to go alll Lovecrat-y on us.
They’re just possums, not Cthulhu or Yog-Sothoth.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:05 pmESTErrr…Lovecraft-y.
PIMF
July 7th, 2008 at 7:06 pmESTA possy of possums?
July 7th, 2008 at 7:08 pmESTLOL, Bill, braised possum with sweet taters and fried okra, tasty southern delicacy, but then us Clampett types will eat practically anything that moves, muskrats, squirrels, rattlesnakes, gators, turtles, etc, etc.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:09 pmESTRachel, you are only a racist if you scoff at eating them according to the Brits since it is cuisine outside your traditional comfort zone.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/education/2261307/Toddlers-who-dislike-spicy-food-racist%2C-say-report.html
LOL! I thought you were assigning a status to particularly gooshy democrats!!
July 7th, 2008 at 7:11 pmESTDidn’t see the post below this one where our hostess picked up the Telegraph story.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:16 pmESTOh, you evil bitch! How dare you prejudge them like this?
Just think of their feeeeeeelings!. Is it their fault that they look that way? No. You’re definitely being speciesist, and no mistake.
Actually, I don’t like them either. We don’t have them here in the UK, but while I can go “AWWWWWwww!!!” over pictures of squirrels even though they’re technically vermin, possums (or whatever the plural is) leave me cold.
I’m obviously being too judgemental though. Maybe I need more diversity training, or something. I’m obviously in the right country for that kind of thing.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:20 pmESTDon’t forget that Pogo was a possum.
http://www.sos.ga.gov/state_symbols/state_possum_photo.gif
http://reasonablysound.blogspot.com/2008/02/i-go-pogo.html
Of course, Pogo is a picture and as such can be made to look cute and appealing.
Just as Obama is a picture that has been made to look cute and appealing.
Some folks find Obie’s lisp to be charming—not to say precious.
“Al I want for Chrissssstmassssss is my two front teessss.”
I find it to be an odious affectation—a harbinger of doom and jock itch.
Like the Democratic party.
“Senator Obama. You are no Pogo.”
July 7th, 2008 at 7:28 pmESTYou got a passel o’ possums. Never seen one inflated before; usually they’re doing their best impression of a flapjack out on the asphalt.
Revulsion abounds.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:44 pmESTAirgun.
That is all.
(BTW, don’t kill your neighbors)
July 7th, 2008 at 7:47 pmESTEh, one of the long daisy air pistols. A couple of BB’s in the posterior and they’ll decide that a yard without a crazy lady with the tele-stinger is a better bet.
Advantage: short effective range, pretty quiet.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:02 pmESTHow many rednecks does it take to eat a ‘possum?
Three.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:05 pmESTTwo need to look for on-coming traffic.
May I suggest my old neighbor’s solution (she needed something quiet and deadly when the magpies started picking off her dog and cat food, as well as raccoons getting into the trash, since it’s illegal to discharge a firearm within most town limits):
I played with one similar to this last weekend — it’s cool as shit and didn’t require a lot of oomph to draw!
July 7th, 2008 at 8:12 pmESTNot “possums”. “Opossums”. You wouldn’t call “Obama” just plain “bama” would you? Unless you were looking for a fight?
Unless there is something about you we don’t know…..Owachel? Maybe?
July 7th, 2008 at 8:13 pmESTOh, those crafty lil’ bastards.. they don’t hang upside down from trees, contrary to popular belief, and they’ll chase you if you’re not careful!
Definitely not a very good house pet.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:15 pmESTI live in the middle of a city and found one in the trash can a few weeks ago. I went to move the can and it seemed heavy. I looked inside and saw a pair of beady eyes looking back at me. A possum had climbed inside, tore open the trash, had a little snack….AND THEN GAVE BIRTH! I kid you not, this momma possum had about a half dozen little rat babies in that trash can with her. My brother-in-law was ready to grab his rifle and take care of them, but didn’t because of the babies. The animal control officer said he wished my b-i-l had done it, too. And if it makes me speciest to wish the same thing, then I guess I’m a speciest.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:20 pmESTAnti-marsupialite!
July 7th, 2008 at 8:27 pmESTThat is one ugly possum. That rat tail gives me the creeps.
The possums in my part of the world are much are much cuter. They’re little and bushy tailed.
I don’t like them in the roof, or when they wake me up in the middle of the night, but I have to say I am otherwise I am unfazed by them.
I’m no possum racist.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:36 pmEST14 Karat:
My husband is going to die and go to heaven: A slingshot AND a laser. Hold the fuck up! He’s going to want to spend some of our ’stimulus’ check on that baby!!! Maybe an early birthday present. We’re moving out to North Carolina in about 3 weeks. I’m sure he can put that to good use!!
July 7th, 2008 at 8:37 pmESTI think their little pink toes are cute.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:41 pmESTYeah, [resigned sigh] I ordered this one for my son for his birthday …
I hope your move goes smoothly, and not too many stop signs are harmed (read: ball-bearing-riddled) as you traverse the country.
Possums, however *shudder* — add to the roadkill, girl!
July 7th, 2008 at 8:45 pmESTHate opossums. Only animal that will look at you and hiss ‘fuck off’ when you are trying to shoo them off your back porch.
Took my kid to a small animal show put on by the local zoo. You know, turtles, owls, shit like that. Some earthy hippie girl who I’m sure has a smaller carbon footprint than me implored the audience to pull over and try to save any baby opossums if we happened to see a momma possum squashed on the highway. Yea, right. Don’t think so.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:57 pmESTHey, hi-desertgirl!
If you are coming to NC, visit Wrightsville Beach.
http://maps.google.com/maps?client=opera&rls=en&q=map+wrightsville+beach+nc&sourceid=opera&ie=UTF-8&oe=utf-8&um=1&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&resnum=1&ct=title
I’m the one surrounded by all the lovely ladies—younger and older.
[They can't believe town law allows something like me on the beach.]
http://houseofwaterdancer.com/images/royalty/charles-martel-at-tours.JPG
July 7th, 2008 at 9:09 pmESTWife and daughters, I presume : )
July 7th, 2008 at 9:15 pmESTAren’t armadillos just opossum on the half-shell?
July 7th, 2008 at 9:22 pmEST“…scream, vomit and run…” that’s what I’m going to do at the voting booth this year.
Possums are icky and looking at their tails makes me shiver (in a bad way).
July 7th, 2008 at 9:57 pmESTI’m sorry, but I have to laugh at you just a bit. That thing is positively cute compared to the hideous, waddling, black-and-white possums that live around here. Ours look more like the photo in this Wikipedia article. And all I have is a little chicken-shit terrier. I have no idea why she won’t go after something that is absolutely smaller than her, but the couple of times she’s been able to get out after the one that hides under the shed, all she does is bark at it. It hides in the ditch and hisses.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:09 pmESTGrin. I heard hen hysteria out in the chickenhouse one night, grabbed a flashlight to check it out, and there was a big ol’ he possum. He was cussin’ me out and then turned his invective and attention to the dog, so I grabbed him by the tail and carried him upside down, growling and hissing, into the house and held him over my daughter’s bed and woke her. Heh. She looked at him with bleary eyeballs, said “yeah, whatever, mom” and went back to sleep. *sigh* I put him in a cage and went to sleep.
Next morning at breakfast, she said “Did you come into my room holding an armadillo by the tail last night?” We put the cage in the back of the truck and released him into a more possum-suitable and chicken free area.
And yeah, I catch armadillos like that, too.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:11 pmESTThe plural of opossum is…wait for it…opossum. Just like deer, but not nearly so graceful. Or tasty.
♪ 99 opossum perched on the fence, 99 opossum perched ♪
July 7th, 2008 at 10:23 pmEST♪ Slingshot murder, fed to the herder ♪
♪ 98 opossum perched on the fence ♪
Rather nasty critters, these ‘possums. WARNING: gross story follows!
One late summer’s day, two laddies with loads of ammunition and a full keg of boredom decide to head down to the local dump to vanquish rats (strictly as a public service, of course). After several hours of varmiting & plinking, they were just preparing to head out, when they heard an unearthly sound a few piles away. Armed and loaded (!) the intrepid hunters began stalking their prey. Coming around a heap ‘o trash, they ran across a dead cow, in full bloat. Stiff legs upended, it resembled nothing so much as a discarded balloon animal. Except for the unearthly rocking and snarfing noises, that is. They exchanged glances of “Dude, WTF?” at the sight, sound, and smell. Drawing a bead with the 20 gauge, one of the gents pulls the trigger with a predictable BOOM. Not so expected is the immediate PLOOF as the cow explodes in a shower of maggots, rotting flesh, and two live possums doing their best alien impersonation. Quite unharmed, but VERY surprised, they quickly skittered away, as the two intrepid hunters commenced PSOV* practice.
*Projectile Steams Of Vomit
Sorry, warned ya!
July 7th, 2008 at 10:48 pmESTNice to have good tasting food wandering on your fence back there. I had some bbq possum when I was in Missouri in 2001. Tasted Very Good.
All you need to do is catch em, skin em, clean em, cook em and enjoy the revenge.
I can feel for Maggie, denying her delicious food (though I wouldn’t consider eating it raw - yuk).
July 7th, 2008 at 10:57 pmESTNo, but I’d sure like to see him turned into roadkill come November …
Or perhaps Maggie would like a snack?
July 7th, 2008 at 11:14 pmESTOh shit Rob, I am really pleased it’s at least four hours before my dinner time. I am really hoping my appetite returns from where ever it’s run to, by then.
Otherwise I will be the crazy lady walking down the road calling out softly, ‘Come back little appetite! Come out from where ever you are.It’s safe now. ‘
July 7th, 2008 at 11:18 pmESTThat “demon” would be Rachel’s shadow…I assume from her porchlight…projected behind the…um…rat-thingy…
July 7th, 2008 at 11:26 pmESTPLEASE tell me you didn’t get a maggot and rotten flesh shower — otherwise, I’ll be compelled to tell mine … it ain’t pretty, and laughykate will probably never eat again. Let’s just say it involves a reeaaally old, newly rented farmhouse, a stuck chimney flue, and a skinny 11-year-old chimney sweep.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:30 pmESTOne evening a few years ago, I let my 4 lb. Yorkie Mickey (who has since gone on to Doggie Heaven) out onto my patio. She had no fear of the ‘possums and raccoons that roamed around in the dark (nor the geese during the day), and on this particular occasion, she was chasing after a ‘possum. She actually got the ugly thing cornered (it was easily 2-3 times her size), and once it realized it had nowhere to go, it turned and gave the most unholy screech I’d ever heard. I yelled at her to come to me, which she obediently did. If I hadn’t called her, I’m pretty sure the demonic monstrosity would have attacked and killed her (not that she wouldn’t have put up a good fight). So I’m with you on the anti-’possum campaign. They creep me out.
Incidentally, the word ‘opossum’ comes from Algonquian ‘wapathemwa’ meaning “white animal”, and the plural is opossums.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:44 pmEST14 Karat -
My fingers are in my ears. My eyes are tightly shut. And I’m singing.
‘LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!’
Your story will not get in. Your story will not get in. Your story will not get in…to my head.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:00 amESTNicki, you say that like it’s a bad thing.
My pet rats (one of whom is sitting on my shoulder as I type this) want you to know that they don’t look anything like opossums.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:36 amESTAwww… They’re not that bad… My great grandmother raised a few possum babies before (along with deer, squirrels, mice, an emu, and possibly a raccoon).
July 8th, 2008 at 1:08 amESTI was wondering why you were all talking about Opossums. I just looked at the Wikipedia page that WayneB linked to and found that while yours are opossums, mine in Australia really are Possums.
You learn something new every day!
July 8th, 2008 at 5:44 amESTPat, rodents frighten me. I’m not afraid of enemy fire. I’m not afraid of getting into a gun fight. I’m not afraid of a lot of things. But there’s something about rodents, reptiles and bugs that just oogs me out!
So yeah - I’m a strong Soldier chick who can kick ass, but put a rodent in my way, and I scream like a girl and demand the services of a strong, manly, hot guy to make me feel safe again!
July 8th, 2008 at 6:35 amESTI want to hear 14k’s icky story.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:38 amESToff topic:
July 8th, 2008 at 7:42 amESTnicki: why haven’t you called anyone a cuntmuffin here yet? I supposed it could be because everyone’s polite and well behaved here. I don’t normally like the c word, but this one cracks me up.
jodie73, you’re obviously from Oz.
(NB I arrived here via Mark Steyn and Kathy Shaidle, cool blog, BTW)
Wikipedia on the Australian Marsupial possum
We have a family living in near our house, and while they cr*p and p*ss on my car, and scare the bejeezuz out of me when the run (wearing hob-nail boots) over our tin roof in the early hours of the morning, the are cute and cuddly — except they’d bite you savagely if you tried…:)
July 8th, 2008 at 8:15 amESTWe get possum, coonies, and even coyotes around our farm. Our cats are hell on mice and small birds. Our dogs are pretty fearless, but none of them hate the above mentioned varmints. That is really too bad because they are destructive little cusses and I would love to have a varmint eating dog over for about a week sometime.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:41 amESTMy pet rat takes offense. He’s much cuter than those stinky possums.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:43 amESTHi-desertgirl, welcome to NC! Your other half will have plenty of oppportunities to use his laser sling shot here. We have bunches and bunches of squirrels (aka tree rats), possums (aka ugliest critters on the planet), and various and sundry small critters. We also have buttloads of deer in the area and lately, bears. I don’t think you want to take on a bear with a laser sling shot, though.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:51 amESTPlease, please tell me that someone else has also read Tom Deitz’s David Sullivan novels. A stolen beer or three, a few verses of “Werepossum Blues”, and a quick trip to Faerie later…
God, I love summer.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:53 amEST“Possums are really cute animals. For me to poop on.”
–Triumph
July 8th, 2008 at 9:29 amESTPossums are relatively inoffensive–when compared to raccoons and rats and skunks. Unlike skwirlz (aka “tree rats”) they do not even have cute on their side.
You can eat them–if you’re starving. If you leave pet food out, they will eat it all and come back for more.
Yes, they have a huge number of teeth. When attacked, they are not nearly as slow as they look. Their fur makes very nice coats and mittens.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:26 amESTJim Carson, *LOVE* the song!
July 8th, 2008 at 10:27 amESTI want 14 Karat’s story! laughykate’s not listening!!
I killed one with a rubber mallet once.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:36 amESTYeah, go marsupials!! — they’re North America’s unsuccessful attempt at a kangaroo. Rachel, be grateful your possums just scurry; the ones that live down by our pond party late at night — making a godawful noise that sounds sort of like a bunch of tomcats fighting; occasionally you can see one fleeing the scene, apparently too rowdy even for that bunch. Tell Maggie: “Eat More Possum!” (Old bumper sticker from the 70’s).
July 8th, 2008 at 10:43 amESTHad a friend back in Pennsylvania who trapped possums for their fur. Nasty boogers. He once loaded up his bag with the fruits of his trap line and started out of the farm. Suddenly, one of the possums in the bag came back to life and a battle ensued.
Uhm. Fuck that.
BTW, we have a little down here in Alabama called Possum Bend. Just a little zig and a zag out in the country headed down to Monroeville.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:24 amESTmaya, I’m just guessing here, but I spec’ Nicki is reluctant to bring cuntmuffin here for fear of overuse.
No one wants a worn-out cuntmuffin.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:29 amESTMan, I don’t know what in hell you people are talking about with possum fur, that shit is nasty and mangy looking. If I had a dog that had fur that looked like that it’d be on the way to the vet, or the morgue. Those things look like they nest under a radioactive waste site or something. Gray thinning hair with scaly flaky pink skin showing underneath. Not something I want to be seen wearing, that’s for damned sure. I’m already gray and balding, I don’t need the rest of me looking the same.
Possums do NOT eat snails and shit, you are thinking of Armadillos. Armadillos are fairly harmless but will dig the hell out of your yard looking for bugs to eat. One warning to those who think a mammal that thinks it is a sowbug and can roll up into a ball when it is afraid is cute. They are cute, but they are also the only mammal outside of humans that can carry leprosy too. Possums on the other hand eat dead things with much abandon. They start at the asshole of the rotting carcass (they appear to prefer something that has been dead a while versus something fresher.) and bore their way in and come out the other side. (much like the dead cow story above.) They are horrid nasty creatures that serve but one purpose, to be nature’s garbage disposal. They aren’t terribly picky eaters either, I’ve seen them eating their own kind that had expired after posing for auto headlights.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:51 amESTI was just kidding about the rat comment, Nicki. I know how it is with phobias — nothing you can do about them. My own daughter is a classic example; she loves our pet rats intensely, but is totally freaked out by spiders. Can’t even look at them. She knows that spiders are generally a good thing to have around because they eat other, much nastier bugs, but if she sees one in the house I have to catch it and take it outside.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:58 amESTMa’am:
You might want to focus on the fact that your doggie loves eating the critters enough that he’s not motivated to drag over the more droopy, gooey, loopy bits to share with you.
There’s always a silver lining. You just gotta look around the edges of the thing.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:05 pmESTOh man…I am cracking up. Comments and all.
Opossums are nasty critters though I’ve been told that they taste like chicken. I have also heard that it’s nearly impossible to kill them just by banging on their head with a shovel…just sayin.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:12 pmESTWhat turns thinking conservatives into major sissies? Why, oppossums. Good grief, people, listen to yourselves. These are shy little creatures just looking for something to eat. We had one for a pet in California for several years. Grew to be huge and much whiter than its rank and file associates. Since we fed it the same stuff we fed the cat, must have been something in the food. After my grandparents bought the house and acreage, it continued to visit them. Despite their agrarian outlook, they would set aside leftovers to ensure its continued health. We suspect it might be the first oppossum in history to die of heart disease. There is a rule that should be implemented on this site, given all the dog tales [tails?]. Any critter with fur is automatically considered cute and not to be shot or otherwise harried. Grow up and save the fear and aggression for the liberals.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:37 pmESTDang! Missed the party! (Stoopid town-Mondays!)
They do bear a stunning resemblance to R.O.U.S.s!
There is one really nasty disease that possums carry, but, as far as I’m aware, it’s only a problem for horses.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:58 pmESTCourse, the best tidbit about opossums is that the male has a forked penis and the female has 2 vaginas.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pmESTPossum = Chupacabra (spanish for “the goat sucker”), probably here illegally. Keep away from goats.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:21 pmESTUnlike armadillos, which can carry leprosy.
Those little armor-plated possums don’t look so cute now, do they?
And, um, while it’s kinda rare because they have a high natural resistance, possums CAN carry rabies.
(PS to castrocreations: Banging them on the head with a shovel works just fine if you use the edge of the blade instead of the flat part. Repeat application until head separate from body. Yeah, they taste like chickens. Chickens raised on sulfurous animal waste.)
July 8th, 2008 at 1:39 pmEST“Rachl Lukis,
I wants Honest Kitchen for possums LOL!
k thx bye!”
–The Possum
July 8th, 2008 at 2:00 pmESTPossums are usually dead if they even get on our farm. Both dogs are encouraged to kill them. Cats keep them away. I aim for them when I’m running the shredder in the pasture. I aim for them when I’m walking to the barn at night, carrying a .22.
I despise, loath, and generally detest all that they are. I saw one run past the door of my apartment once, and you’d think I’d just close the door and forget about it. NO. I went inside, drew my 2 1/2′ Conan broadsword (yes, I have one, just like the one Arnold uses in the movie), and went out looking for it. I put the flashlight on it, and it froze and I hacked it’s head clean off.
Seriously. I fucking hate those creatures.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:31 pmESTuh, yeah. Apparently so. Remind me never to sneak up on you in a dark alley.
Jim Carson: Ha!
July 8th, 2008 at 2:47 pmESTDo you use “cornholio” brand cornpone to make cuntmuffins?
Just asking.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:51 pmEST“14 Karat Says:
Do you use “cornholio” brand cornpone to make cuntmuffins?
Just asking.”
No offense but them’s are about different orifices.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:22 pmESTThat’d be like poopin in the pisser.
Anybody else remember the poem “Carmen Possum?”
The nox was lit by lux of luna
And ’twas a nox most opportuna
To catch a possum or a coona
For nix was scattered o’er the mundus
A shallow nix, et non profundus…
Me, if possums stay out of my garage and out of my stuff, I’m willing to live and let live. If they do get seriously up my nose, though…I live and let die!
July 8th, 2008 at 3:35 pmESTI donno…looks like a water tower beyond a house to me.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:43 pmESTHOLY CRAP I SEE THE MAGIC EYE!!!!
July 8th, 2008 at 4:05 pmESTOTCConan
hail and salute! Going barbarian on a rodent, with an ancient sword! Impressive! Wish I could have seen that…
(My blade is a Johann Schmidberger Austrian Masterpiece that Museum Replicas used to sell back when they sold good stuff… as yet unblooded, sad to say).
July 8th, 2008 at 4:08 pmESTotcconan, this one’s for you!
July 8th, 2008 at 4:43 pmESTJust takes three good swings. Then they twitch a little. Maybe another swing afterwards just to be sure.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:45 pmESTI had an amusing experience with a ‘Possum about 10 years ago. We had two Golden Retreivers at the time, and they had a pet door to go in and out of the bedroom. Relatively early in the night there was something of a commotion outside, but I went back to sleep and forgot about it. About 4 in the morning I got up to visit the restroom, and noticed that Paddy (boy golden) was paying a lot of attention to one of the cats who was lying on the bench at the foot of the bed. I reached down to pet the cat and found instead Paddy’s newest friend, a 10-15 pound ‘Possum, sopping wet from head to tail from being slobbered on, playing dead, but otherwise undamaged.
It should be noted that a major prey of the opossum is rats, particularly rat litters, so I don’t mind them so much. As far as I’ve experienced, when confronted with something larger than they are, they go from hissing to play dead, without a fight. Mostly bluff.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:08 pmEST2 possum stories: laughyKate should skip the 2nd
1) A friend’s very preggers cat kept having her food eaten by a local possum. So, the food dish was moved into the garage, up on the workbench. The combination of cat door & bench height worked to dissuade the nocturnal snacking, however it did pose a bit of a challenge to Mama Kitteh. As she continued to gestate, she added weight, and therefore took progressively more effort to leap up to the bench for dinner. At last, the Blessed Event Occured: bebe kittehs! Mama convalesced indoors a bit, then after a day or so, resumed her normal patrol. She headed out to the garage to enjoy a well-earned dinner. Poising briefly on the floor, tensing her leg muscles for the leap to the bench top, she hurled her body up into space. Alas, she had neglected to recalibrate her thrust vectors for the lost weight, therefore she fairly flew, completely OVER the workbench, ending her trajectory by crashing into the garage wall. ROTFLMAO, plus spitting out half-chewed Rice Krispies. twice. TWICE! Then wobbling to her feet with an expression of “What just happened?”
OK laughykate, skip this one: GROSS warning!
2) Dude from work with a lifted 1969 Chevelle, complete with wheelie bars in back. (For the uninitiate, square tubing with bumpers installed to prevent loss of control when popping wheelies in your ride.) Dude goes for an evening cruise test-ride. As he comes ’round a bend in the road, a 4-stack possum wagon train meets his eyes. Hitting the horn and gritting his teeth while stomping the brakes scared off 75% of the team. HOwever, #4 caused a big thump, then became numbah ten. Check the rear view mirror, as the lifeless carcass flimps off the road. Bummer, managed to avoid three, at least. Back home to the garage and sleep. Up & off to worky-worky next day. Hot August day, coming out at noon for lunch. MASSIVE ODOR! Frantically scan uncarriage for possum leavings. Null scan. ? ?? ???
July 8th, 2008 at 7:05 pmESTHead scratch, then lunch with someone else. Trip home, stench intensifies. Gag out window, 60 mph air ventings. Park at end of driveway for major forensics. Motion at end of one wheelie bar. Uh-oh. 2″ square tubing had caught possum #4 directly amidships. (sounds of Simon & Garfunkel’s ‘Feelin’ Groovy’ fill the air) Maggotfest in full swing. Shove garden hose in rear end of square pipe and turn on full blast. Not excessively bright idea, as Old Faithful turns into Old Facefull. Much puko. End result? Empty tube, very clean maggots, and empty stomach. Chevy rules (or perhaps ‘rues’ might be better)!
REVOLTING TRUE STORY WARNING … DO NOT READ WHILE EATING! I’M NOT KIDDING! THIS IS REALLY GROSS!
Okay, so when I was a kid my dad was trying to outrun child protective services and the rental agencies, so we used to end up squatting in a lot of shitty old farmhouses. And I do mean shitty. More than once the first thing I had to do (being the oldest of six) was head into the ole head and remove the numbah too remnants left behind by some group of partiers who had just basically not given a crap (heh) that there was no water to flush the toilet. If I was lucky, it was just numbah too and not technicolor yackalicious. One or the other people, both was too much to handle at 11. Sometimes, it was in the tub. Or the sink. Or the worst of all was cracking open an old refrigerator and finding a squirming plate of fecal material. Shit-butter and butt jelly sandwich, anyone?
Not cool, believe me.
Many times I was the scoop-shoveler for rotten animal carcasses, which really isn’t that bad if you have a bandana tied around your face (every time I see some dude with one on his head I snicker — what a pussy) and some orange playtex living gloves. What was bad was when things died in the walls. Now that’s just some creepy shit right there — you’d be sleeping at night and you could hear oozy and schloppy sounds and actually catch whiffs of the aroma of rot when these things slid down the usually un-insulated walls. It was particularly bad when shit died in the attics — maggots would sometimes literally fall out of the light fixtures when you changed the bulbs. Like I said, creepy shit — Stephen King style.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED … YOU CAN’T SUE ME NOW!
There were several particularly horrifying situations I found myself involved with, but none more relevant to this than “the day it rained gopher gobblets.”
So we had pulled the old fucking pinto station wagon across the state and into Idaho and ended up in this particularly shitty old farmhouse owned by Olin E****** (hell yeah, I still remember his name). That fucking thing smelled like old coppper pennies mixed with dried chicken shit, stale cherry pipe tobacco smoke and my grandfather’s diabetic feet. Pungent and nasty, is what I mean to tell ya. So we’re doing the cleaning (bathroom — check — fuck ya no dookies this time — too far off the beaten path). It was pretty cold, like the end of September (I had to change schools again) so we were going to light a fire. Kindling. Check. Matches. Check. Newspaper. Check. Flue. Fucking flue won’t turn. Hey, you, get your skinny ass over here and climb in this fireplace … no problem. It’s a tight fit but I can manage to reach it with a broom handle. GODDAM it stinks worse in here, if that’s at all possible. I feel like I am eating the odor …. and then I am. Holy shit! Sploosh! My face is squirming and sticky and reeks of pennies and I am yelling “what the fuck” just to blow the maggots and bloody slimy chunks out of my mouth even though I know I am going to get a beating for it later and I also know more keep falling in my mouth when I blow out but cursing is SO worth it since I AM FUCKING STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY and these crawly things …. AARRRGGHH!!!! I discovered at the tender age of 11 what it’s like to want to chew your fucking arm off to get away … I scraped all the skin off my right arm ripping it out of there and blew out of that chimney like a demon from hell — my siblings scattered hollering like banshees and my one sister (who I’d secretly watched “Carrie” with on Showtime) literally peed her pants screaming “she’s gonna get us” while I’m busy blowing maggot boogers, puking maggot carcasses (along with tomato soup and grilled — I’ve NEVER eaten that shit since) like a goddamn rainbird lawn sprinkler (CHU CHU CHU CHU pututututut) and literally ripping globlets of some foul smelling squirmy rotten things out along with chunks of hair. All the while my fooking father’s gut-laughing and my stup-mother is wringing her hands and giving me the stink eye for slinging globules of goop all over the freshly scrubbed walls. We later determined it to be two dead “gophers”, because by then they were split open bags of putrescent guts and we couldn’t tell WTF they really were, and you know the song “great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts …” Apropos, people. Apropos.
The worst part was not only did I have to clean up the maggoty guts and chunks of the WTF after being sprayed off with a garden hose, I also had to clean up the contents of MY guts. Sigh.
So it was really gross, and I only ended up swallowing and then regurgitating a few maggots. Fear Factor does not scare me.
The maggots that went into my ears and had to be picked out with tweezers — that was a different story altogether. That’ll drive you bugshit until they’re gone. Literally.
Now the time I had to unplug the sewer pipe with ungloved hands …
July 8th, 2008 at 7:42 pmESTMaya and Lissa, my story is so gross it went to moderation … hope you like it! And please, do heed the warnings, because it’s even nasty to me now.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:45 pmESTDigression to ‘Critter in Bumper’ story?
Driving home late one night, saw a bat hunting in my headlight beams and heard the unfortunate ‘thump!’
Darn. Poor batty!
Next morning, spotted the little beast: quite intact — still almost cute (in a dead batty way) — but, alas, now stubbornly wedged between my front bumper and headlamp. Determined best course was to approach it later with appropriate instruments of deceased, flying mammal removal.
Later that day, as we were saying our customarily prolonged farewells at my daughter’s riding barn, her trainer suddenly screamed, vaulted sideways, and landed about fifteen feet away.
Oops.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:20 pmESTSo there I was, merrily editing my typically milquetoasty ‘cute dead bat’ story. And then I hit ‘post.’
And there it was:
If only it’d been your ‘parent’ up that chimney, that would have been hysterical.
Good God, 14k!
How did you ever get your stomach back in working order? (and how did you never commit patricide????)
I’ve had facefulls of some fairly funky things, but that’s just — and you were just a kid!
Makes me want to swig Listerine and bathe in Lysol!
And punch somebody.
And hug my kids.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:07 pmESTHoly shit, that is some fucked up shit right there, 14k. On the bright side, I bet you’re immune to, like, a million things!
July 8th, 2008 at 10:04 pmESTGet yourself a high-powered pellet rifle, 17 caliber. They usually run about $200, and some good pellets. Stick one of those in their ribs and they will run off and die. The only problem if they den close to your house you will smell something revolting for a couple weeks.
July 9th, 2008 at 7:25 amESTHey felicity, maya, laughykate!
Just one more chapter in my crazy life — I once had a friend tell me I’d make a week of “Springers”!
The best part of being 11 was my ability to put things in perspective — “now, that’s not something that happens everyday — let’s make sure this doesn’t happen again.” Honestly, I am so grateful that my parenting was so far out there (mostly either non-existant; mother, or horrific; father) that it was a primer in what NOT to do. It’s provided me a litmus test regarding EVERYTHING I do with my own kids.
Patricide? Meh. He wasn’t worth going to prison for — I knew I’d escape eventually, and I haven’t seen the bastard in 20 years. The last time was at his trial — HAH!
And you’re right, maya, there isn’t much that bothers me … what’s a little spider compared to a wiggling chunklet shower and some of the other *ahem* things I saw! Although, I still do have the occasional nightmare about this incident, but usually it’s the slo-mo kind where I’m poking the boom handle up again and again (poke … squidgy feeling … poke … squidgy feeling and splooshy sound … poke … rain of funk) you know the type, where you KNOW you need to STOP DOING THAT but you just CAN’T control your actions … AARRGGHH!
Which, of course, begs the question: “Why do I still get choked up over sappy commercials?”
July 9th, 2008 at 9:09 amEST14k,
You were the pony in the pile! Considering how much joy you give to us, who barely know you? Lord, I’m so glad you, your wit, and your wisdom made it through — and no bloody wonder that your kids are so darn cool!
Because you’re a mensch - Duh!
July 9th, 2008 at 4:15 pmEST14K, you’re beautiful. Not Springer, more like Survivor.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:26 pmESTYou guys are great!
Rachel’s blog is my happy place.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:37 pmESTIf I was as creative and had the time, I might start my own …
Nah. It’s more fun and there are better commenters here!