My stupid Toshiba Notebook is dying. So I can’t blog today. Open thread! Poetry!
UPDATE: It’s a battery issue; I had to buy a new one but have to shut the computer off to make it charge.
UPDATED UPDATE: I do have a desktop, Otcconan, silly. But I do my “real job” on it all day and cannot bear to blog from it.
MEGA CRAZY UPDATE: I love limericks, rhymes, and haiku; some of you commenters are fuckin’ funny. More!
SUPER-UPDATED LATEST: I have 15% power left and that means enough time to link to some of the President of Goatlove said today, specifically :
In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that like in your country. … In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don’t know who’s told you that we have this.
Notebooks suck. To hard to recussitate. Easier to diagnose and treat a desktop.
My desktop died on me 3 months ago. Since I had two, I was able to make a Frankenstein and was back up in one day. Had to go with XP, though, instead of win2k (which is much better IMO) because I lost the serial number for 2k.
Get a desktop, Rachel. I know it’s less convenient, but how much convienence do you need when it takes a dump on you?
Roses are red
Notebook is dead
Here in the comments
Dumb things are said.
Notebook drive spins down
Scented smoke greets death’s blue screen
Blogger sits idle
There once was a puppy named Sunny,
Who always looked rather funny
’cause she was dressed up
In Tshirts and bra cup
By Rachel with no help from her honey.
Okay, I’m starting a limerick…
There was a young girl called Rachel
Whose computer shat itself on her table
So she dressed up her dog….
Nice Haiku, Ken! Here’s another:
Blank screen, cold black death
How I wish that my backup
Was not two months old
Continuing laughykate‘s effort…
There was a young girl called Rachel
Whose computer shat itself on her table
So she dressed up her dog–and started a blog
Methinks she’ll return when she’s able.
Rachel,
Get a Dell, Specifically a
it kicks the lama’s butt.. :)
Mine was a Birthday gift… I’ve been a happy fat man ever since.
My dear Rachel of Lucas, she blogs just for fun;
Like Aerosmith’s Janie, she does with a gun;
While reaching for ammo; the gun went off “Blammo!”
And now her notebook is done.
We love Rachel Lucas.
She’s vulgar and funny.
We just really wish
She’d stop dressing up Sunny.
WTF? haha… No homosexuals over there? Then what do you call it when they screw little boys, before they’re married, instead of women?
There once was a fellow named Mikey
Who met a hot girl to likey
When he tried to hit it
She told him ‘Forget it’
She must’ve been a little bit dikey
Since it’s an open thread, I was wondering if you guys would give me your opinions on a short story (or perhaps a series of short stories) I’m planning to write (not for any particular reason, I just felt like writing it).
Background: I was reading an old editorial by John Hawkins of RightWingNews called and it occurred to me that despite my solidly anti-isolationist stance, I can’t honestly say that I wouldn’t welcome the chance to become an isolationist nation again if it were possible.
So that got me thinking. What would it take for the United States to become an isolationist nation again? What kind of changes would we have to make in order to do it?
Working from that basic premise, I tried to envision a future in which the United States stood up in front of the world and declared that we were washing our hands of them completely.
Here’s my basic outline so far:
In the not-so-distant future, a secret US government think-tank of scientists (for the comic fans out there, think of this as similar to the Baxter Building in the Ultimate Marvel universe) discovers a way to project an impenetrable force field over the entire nation (and maybe Puerto Rico too) that renders us totally invulnerable to all forms of outside attack. The scientists also discover various other technologies that will allow the United States to be totally self-sufficient from all other nations in terms of natural resources.
Now that we are capable of surviving completely on our own and are totally protected from foreign attack, the President announces these new technologies to the world and declares that in one year, the time it will take to complete the force-field and settle in to the new national infrastructure, the United States will be severing all ties between itself and the rest of the world. By astonishing coincidence, the day that the force field is set to be activated falls precisely on July 4th, and Independence Day takes on a whole new meaning. : )
The United Nations and all foreign embassies will have until then to remove themselves from our soil and any US citizen has until that time to (A) come home, or (B) file an emergency citizenship application for any family living abroad. Any American who objects to the plan will of course be free to leave at any time, but there is no guarantee they will be able to return ever again.
The first half of the story will be set in the time immediately following the President’s announcement and will focus on how everyone, both Americans and foreigners, are handling things. The UN will be stewing in impotent fury and basically throwing a worldwide temper tantrum. “How dare those arrogant Americans kick us out of their country!” they’ll say. Americans will be divided into two camps, those that approve of the plan and those that disapprove, and the story will feature a discussion (a dialogue?) between the pro-isolation and anti-isolation camps, debating the relative merits of each viewpoint.
The second half of the story will be set a few years after the United States cut itself off from the world. Left to their own devices, Americans have transformed their society into a (relative) utopia where small government and free market economics are the order of the day. By contrast, most of the rest of the world has regressed backward into a state of pre-WWI stagnancy. The highest and most severe punishment allowed by US law is no longer the death penalty, but permanent deportation. Also, because the government was unable to fulfill all of the millions upon millions of emergency citizenship applications submitted to them before Independence Day, they have spent years slowly but surely processing each and every application and covertly smuggling people into the United States (it has to be covert otherwise the government of whatever nation the person is being pulled out of will try to sabotage it).
This part of the story will focus on a small family living in what was once Eastern Europe. This family has just discovered that the citizenship application filed by their eldest son (a naturalized American) just went through and the US government is preparing to smuggle them onto American soil. The rest of the story will talk about the adventures of this family as they leave the only home they have ever known, dodge the shadowy agents of their home country’s government who are trying to stop them from leaving, and end with their arrival in America and their reunion with their eldest son.
That’s what I’ve got so far. So what do you guys think?
Well that would be a muslim religious requirement. The kuran states that the little muslim boys are better off getting broken in here on earth as opposed to being counted as one of the 70 virgins and have to take it for an eterity. Besides what better way is there to motivate them to fight at an early age?
The Columbia crowd
laughed at Ahmadinejad’s
lack of understanding
of homosexual political correctness
yet did not
laugh at Ahmadinejad’s
other laughable statements
about Jews, and IAEA reports
thus demonstrating
their own lack of knowledge
about everything
other than political correctness.
-by Poetamnot
Here’s the sort of thing that goes on in universities.
The Department of Engish, which ought to be called the Department of Anguish.
[My mean comments in boldface and brackets.]
”Title: The Female Complaint: the Unfinished Business of Sentimentality in American Culture, which focuses on the centrality of sentimental modes of address to subaltern public-sphere-building in the U.S. 20th century, taking “women’s culture” as its central case.”
[No doubt this will be very useful to ordinary women struggling to make a living and raise a family. How do you spell prating ass?]
Title: Photographs of the Dead. ”A study of the spiritual and psychological dimensions of photography, arguing that…we have become a profoundly photocentric culture: the “self” has become a snapshot, “history” a photo album, “truth” a camera or video recorder, and “power” a matter of who controls our images. Especially documents the ways in which the afterlife (of persons, of cultures) functions within the photo-ecology that we call “memory.”
[The self has become snapshot? Power is a matter of who controls images? Images? Apparently, this twit never saw the business end of a .45 caliber pistol pointed at her muffin-stuffed face.]
”Sovereign Amity (Title) concerns matters of agency, bureaucracy, gender, consent, and sexuality in early modernity’s appropriation of classical friendship principles. It pursues the uncanny relations between the friendship pair (as an experiment in “micro-polity”) and the more systemic institutions of the ‘body politick’ and monarchy.”
[Well, okay, now that you’ve explained it all…]
Title “The Gendering of Men, , vol. one: The English Phallus, University of Wisconsin Press, June 2004”
[The English phallus? This opens up, or unzips, as the case may be, a new “genre.” Comparative phallology. I can’t wait for the burgeoning research.]
Everyone knows that you can’t stuff a phallus into one book! So, after a soothing cigarette and refreshing nap, here’s our Anguish perfesser’s next volume…
Title: ”The Gendering of Men, , vol two: Queer Articulations, forthcoming 2004/05”
[Did this idiot really say “queer articulations”? Muslims are chopping heads, and this guy is all interested in his and his friends’ dick.]
Here’s another Anguish perfesser. She ”….is currently writing a novel called The Inferno about the hell of being a female poet.”
[Oh, I bet it’s real hell, especially compared to the easy life of all those women getting stoned, hanged, and mutilated every day in Sudan, Iran, and so many other oases of privilege.]
Yes, not only do these narcissistic nitwits teach the nation’s children, but our tax dollars support them.
She’ll be tossin’ out those pork bits when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be tossin’ out those pork bits when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be tossin’ out those pork bits, she’ll be tossin’ out those pork bits,
She’ll be tossin out those pork bits when she comes!
She’ll be dressin’ up poor Sunny when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be dressin’ up poor Sunny when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be dressin’ up poor Sunny, she’ll be dressin’ up poor Sunny,
She’ll be dressin’ up poor Sunny when she comes,
She’ll be naggin’ starchy Rupert when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be naggin’ starchy Rupert when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be naggin’ starchy Rupert, she’ll be naggin’ starchy Rupert,
She’ll be naggin’ starchy Rupert when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be photoshoppin’ pictures when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be photoshoppin’ pictures when she comes!
When she comes!
She’ll be photoshoppin’ pictures, she’ll be photoshoppin’ pictures,
She’ll be photoshoppin’ pictures when she comes!
Okay, it’s not a haiku, limerick and it doesn’t rhyme; but I laughed my butt off writing it.
MightySamurai, sounds like an interesting concept with lots of possibilities, go for it!
MightySamurai
Spinner of lofty futures
Paint your vision — write!
that is some funny shit y’all. keyboard is now soup.
i love sunny dog
cute no matter how’s she’s dressed
rachel lucas rocks
how bout that for a lame haiku?
mightysamurai, I concur with Sparrow, go for it. It sounds cool and I already have some questions so you need to write these books/stories so that I can read them and find out how the shield works, how the world reacts, etc. [edit-now I know why that annoying red x pops up, this blog doesn’t like normal parentheses emoticon thingies. Anyway, I look forward to maybe one day reading that story]
MightySamurai- That sounds awesome what you have so far and I would love to read more.
As far as laptops are concerned I’d choose a Latitude over an Inspiron anyday(I have both and my Inspiron is rarely used because my Latitude kicks ass)
Oh and Rachel maybe you could put little ~~~~ signs before you post scary pictures huh? yea cause*gags*that’d be great.
mightysamurai — that sounds pretty interesting. go for it.
In college (the second time, circa 1990) I wrote a story about the US annexing Mexico as a buffer zone against civil unrest and unchecked popultion growth in Central and South America. Also there was a civil war going on in the US in the Ohio/Michigan area. At the time I thought it would be militia types rebelling; I didn’t realize Detroit would become the Muslim capital of the country.
In your story how do the moonbats respond to the events? Do a lot of them move to Europe? and after the shield goes up, does that mean no more travelling out of the country ever?
There once was a blogger named Rachel
Whose name didn’t rhyme with anything.
Crikey Mightysamuri, I think that’s just plain scary.
ya’ll are funny… :)
MightySamurai- I’m curious if you’ll do specifics on the shield..like could it withstand an EMP(hopefully so) and does that shield cut off Canada as well since its so close?
And whats the position of our Military in this utopia?
Oh and how does rain get through the shield? heh I really wanna read this story of yours:)
Hey, one bit of good news on the goat-humper front… apparently the Columbia University president actually stood up to the guest islamofascist and defended America. Good for him! I read about it on Ilana Mercer’s blog.
No gays here, of course
We fuck only goats, not men!
Who took that picture?!
Some do, some don’t. I haven’t gotten down to the specifics just yet.
But the reactions of the moonbats aren’t really what I want to write about (aside from the moonbats at the UN, that is). The first half of the story is going to be about 1/3 moonbat reactions, but about 2/3 a dialogue between a pro-isolationist and an anti-isolationist American. And I’m going to try my best to keep the ideologies of the two men ambiguous.
Everyone is completely free to leave the country, but with one provision.
If you plan to expatriate, you must renounce your citizenship. Permanently. So you’d better be absolutely sure.
I haven’t completely worked out whether people can take vacations abroad. On the face of it, travel abroad would defeat the purpose of being isolationist and self-sufficient, but I don’t think a society based on small government and free enterprise would prevent people from leaving. Travel permits would be an obvious solution, but again that sort of runs against the idea of small government.
I hope you weren’t expecting a scientific explanation for how the field would work because you’ll be sorely disappointed. : )
I haven’t the slightest idea how the field would work but it will definitely be able to withstand electromagnetic radiation, or any other kind of radiation for that matter. It would also protect us from biological and chemical weapons.
In short, the field will repel any conceivable attack, bar none. I’m sure that from a scientific perspective this seems highly implausible, but if Stan Lee can claim that gamma radiation turns you into a 12-foot tall monster with super-strength and purple shorts that never seem to tear apart with the rest of your clothes, I think I can be forgiven if I cut a few corners when it comes to the science. : )
The field will definitely cut off both Canada and Mexico.
Post-isolation, the US military will primarily be used to defend the borders. After all, no security system is perfect. Even with a giant wall around the country, we’d need people to patrol it.
The way I was thinking about it, the Navy would be divided into the East Coast Branch and the West Coast Branch, and each branch would be largely autonomous (they’d be on opposite sides of the country, after all). Their job would be to patrol the outside of the field where it runs along the coast (the field itself would terminate a few miles off shore). Since the field only extends so far under water (to prevent it from interfering with the underwater ecosystem too much) the Navy’s biggest job would be making sure nobody sneaks under it somehow.
The Army’s job would, of course, be to patrol the Mexican and Canadian borders. Like the Navy, the Army would be divided into two mostly autonomous groups, one for the North border and one for the South. I figure there would be a few miles of no-man’s-land just outside the northern and southern ends of the field and the Army would sit outside the field and patrol that.
You’ll notice I said that the military patrols OUTSIDE the field. I did that for a reason.
First, the military wouldn’t me much use if they were inside since if we came under attack they’d have to drop the field before they could counter-attack. And in order for people to go in and out of the field there would have to be “doors” of a sort stationed along the field at regular locations. These would be vulnerable to attack (not to mention illegal aliens) so the military’s primary job would be to defend them.
Second, having them outside creates a psychological deterrent. Imagine if you came upon a line of soldiers, tanks, and artillery standing shoulder-to-shoulder along the entire 1,951 miles of the Mexican border. Would you attack that? I didn’t think so. : )
Third, putting them outside the field adds an element of danger to military service. If they were always inside the field everybody would be like “Pfft, the military’s an easy job”. And they’d be right. Inside the field, they’d be invincible, and why should we give any modicum of respect to an invincible military? No, the fact that military life is dangerous is precisely why we respect them. The danger associated with military service means that only the people who have what it takes to face that danger enlist. And that’s why we respect them. Because they do what the rest of us can’t.
But putting them outside the field exposes them to everything going on outside the field. That provides a plausible excuse, plot-wise, for why Americans would still hold military service in such high esteem even though the nation is essentially invulnerable.
It’s funny. I spent all this time brainstorming how this story would work, and I completely forgot about rain.
Boy, that was a DUUUUUUH moment. : )
And now that I think about it, how would birds migrate through the field?
Well regardless, the story is about politics, not science. Just assume that whatever logistical concerns there might be were solved…somehow.
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip
out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of
our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy Hun cocksuckers by the
bushel-fucking-basket. War is a bloody, killing business. You’ve got
to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the
belly. Shoot them in the guts.” — Gen. George S. Patton
Mental case denies
homosexuality.
Who’s gay now, Mahmoud?
Please, MightySamurai, let me be able to go to Italy in your story — and get back home again!
I found a dead bird on my deck on Sunday, I wonder if he hit the shield over my house…
Life under the shield
Many questions, some answers
A work in progress
Like waiting for mail
Fat envelope mysteries
Can’t wait to read it!
I don’t know. The way Italy has been going these days, it’s most likely going to be one of the nations in the story that implode into themselves due to the crushing weight of their own socialism.
I was thinking about it, and I think that the happy medium between not allowing anyone in or out (stinks of totalitarianism) and allowing people to come and go as they please (in which case isolation would be pointless) would be to only allow free and unfettered travel to certain nations and limited/restricted travel to others. We already do that now, to a certain extent.
The question is, which nations would people have full access to and which ones would be off limits? The answer, I think, is that the nations with full access status would be the ones that stayed relatively stable after America retreated into isolationism. Great Britain, for example, would probably be one of those nations. They seem to be among the least socialistic nations of Europe and I have a feeling the Brits would learn quicker than most how to take care of themselves without us.
But Italy? Maybe not so much. And that would be a real shame, too. I’ve been to Italy and it’s a beautiful country, despite all the anti-Americanism and socialism. I’m sure I’ll work out a better solution in the end.
Why are all these poems about Sunny?
Am I not Ridgeback?
If my tummy is scratched,
Do I not shake my leg like an idiot?
Oh, Sunny, so young, so vain
Thinking you’re so pretty
In Rachel’s swimsuits
Watch your back
I am coming to hump it now
– by Digger
The shield…
Hmmm…. didn’t they try that with Springfield, with disastrous results?
How about a new reality show: Who Wants to Be a State?
Any country could apply. Or their citizens could apply, and we’d handle all the regime-change paperwork.
Think of the benefits! Oppressed peoples would get (comparatively) good government. Outsourcing would become insourcing. Flag makers would have more interesting jobs. Snotty people who brag about all the foreign countries they’ve been to would have an ever-shrinking list of places to rattle off. Conservatives would love it because the show would focus on how desirable it is to be — or become — American. And liberals would love it because after about 200 seasons, there wouldn’t be anyone left to have a war with.
I say we start with the Palestinians. They’ve always said they wanted their own state. Admittedly, they generally despise America and everything it stands for. Fine. They’ll be a blue state.
Mighty S, You may want to leave some room under the shield as well. The US is importing a LOT of fresh water from Canada now and negotiating for more. Oh, and don’t forget the Alaskan and Alberta oil sands pipelines. This is why James Michener always had a dozen researchers gathering background data for him before he started in on one of his books.
Adrian – that poem is just chock-full of WIN. I love it.
Samurai – do it! I like the idea. But like Sparrow mentioned about Italy, my first thought was “no more traveling to see ancient ruins! Oh noes!” See, it’s no fair that all those socialist dingleberries get to have the coolest stuff in their countries, like the ancient Roman and Greek stuff. Plus, what about Europe and all the WWII sites?
Jeff – excellent idea! Heheh.
glad you liked it! Still, I shouldn’t take credit, it was mostly Digger, I just helped a bit with the typing. I just want you to know, this is the stuff I do all afternoon instead of working on my college apps!
Samurai, dooo it for sure!
Rachl Lukis, sorry about your laptop. Laptop batteries suck.
Brokeback Mahmoud says
No homos in Iran now
Until I return
Dear Mighty S.,
Economically, we are a global community. Your shield would crash not only the world economy but our own. Think about autos, textiles, exotic foods, and OH MY GOD, coffee. You want to take away my coffee? Better guard your shield generator because I’m going after it with C-4 and a bad headache.
I do like the story arc, though. Give yourself a truly secure hi-tech American border and you can have all the plot points you outlined above.
Plus, we could all have coffee. And visit Venice if we wanted to.
First, forget Puerto Rico, but not Alaska and Hawaii. Secondly, remember to nationalize all property holdings of foreign countries and foreign nationals. Give back all of the Gold we are keeping for other countries, but keep what is owed to us from war debt (won’t that piss off a few).
Don’t fail to write a detailed outline of this before you get too far into it. It may turn out to be a novel. And leave it open ended. You may want a sequel. Or two.
Good Luck.
Ah, but you forget that in the story, America becomes entirely self-sufficient before they close the shield.
If I was writing a full size book I would definitely do a butt-load of research. But this is just going to be a short story (or maybe a pair of short stories).
That will definitely be a major drawback, and will probably be one of the prime arguments against isolation in the dialogue. In fact, a lot of people will probably end up leaving America for that very reason.
Obviously it will be a hard choice to make, but there comes a point when our own well-being is more important than our love of history.
The rest of the world would definitely fall into ruin (hence the stagnation in the second part of the story). But in the story, it’s assumed that America has taken steps to make itself completely self-sufficient from the rest of the world. I’m thinking that this plan has been under way for many years in secret.
As for coffee, well, I’ve always hated coffee so all you coffee nuts can either suck it up or get the Hell out! : )
@mightysamurai:
Interesting concept, the first thing it brought to mind were the following Planet P lyrics:
we’re one big family out here in the zone
we have each other and we feel right at home
we have all we need except a mind of our own
in the zone
it doesn’t rain here and it never gets cold
mr sun shines like the rest of us, he does what he’s told
and the one we owe it all to’s only seven years old
in the zone
and you can’t get over it
and you can’t get under it
and you can’t walk around it
you can’t even get close to it
in the zone
it’s awfully quiet here, you can’t here a sound
no birds fly over, there’s no birds to be found
I guess it’s better than a hole in the ground
in the zone
the true believers were the first to be saved
they were the first to take their place in the caves
we don’t get older here no we never age
in the zone
and there’s no trouble here and there’s no war
nobody’s hungry here and nobody’s poor
inside the fishbowl all our troubles are gone
behind the barrier, life goes on
in the zone
and you can’t get over it
and you can’t get under it
and you can’t walk around it
you can’t even get close to it
in the zone
Laptop batteries are soooo gay.
I’ll bet they don’t have them in Iran either.
Mahmoud’s in a hurry to get home but .