Someone needs to make a fancy hierarchical graph showing the statements that are likely to create the ugliest comment or interblog “debates” by which I mean train wrecks. This may also include being flamed in the comment section of another blog or forum. After studying many blogs for many years, especially my own, I would put the list like this, in order of potential for keyboard-based violence from lowest to highest:
10. I’m voting for John McCain.
9. I ate at Taco Bell today.
8. Illegal immigrants suck.
7. Here’s a picture of my dog.
6. Are you a Christian? I’m not, but I like Christians; they’re nice.
5. I prefer Windows over Mac and Firefox over IE.
4. The BlogHer ladies are wrong about something.
3. Abortion is wrong.
2. There are no atheists in a foxhole.
and Number One: Cats are assholes. (And dogs are better than them.)
It’s been a long, long time since I broached this subject, maybe 6 years. I learned the hard way back then that YOU DO NOT PISS OFF THE CAT PEOPLE. But something in me says it’s time again. Mostly because this past weekend I had the opportunity to interact with some cats and it reminded me that, in fact, they are assholes.
Granted, some dogs are assholes too. Sunny for example: el grande pendejo. She is asleep on the floor. You enter the room. She wags her tail such that it thumps charmingly on the carpet. You approach her and she wags more and possibly even looks up at you with affection. So you sit down next to her so as to pet her without breaking your back and what does she do? She grunts and climbs to her feet, and imperiously stalks out of the room. ASSHOLE.
She is essentially a 100-pound cat.
Some cat people have a very snooty attitude about cat behavior. Oh you just don’t like them because you’re insecure and you only want pets that fawn over you. Bullshit. My fat-ass Ridgeback doesn’t fawn over me (HA! HA!) but I still value her existence unlike that of asshole cats and here’s why: she has a purpose other than how much she does or does not fawn over me.
Can your asshole cat bite the nuts off a burglar? I think not. Can your asshole cat instill genuine fear into the hearts of shifty-looking passersby when you go on walks after dark? I think not. Can your asshole cat be trained to work for law enforcement or handicapped people or the blind, can it open the fridge and bring you a beer, can it pull you on your skates or bike or cart? I THINK NOT.
I’m really going for the hate mail on this one.
Cats are just little dickheads, that’s all.
This past weekend, I was at my sister’s house and I reached down gently to pet the belly of one Miss Fiona, who wanted it so bad, but then she meowed at me and bit my hand like the little asshole she is. When I said, fine, fuck you Fiona, and pulled my hand away, she popped to her feet and started doing attention-starved figure-8s around my feet. Asshole.
I hate to drag Rupert’s family into this but it furthers my thesis so I must: their cat is an asshole, too. His name is Forrest and I am convinced that until you have fed him his daily meals for many years, he will treat you very poorly indeed. I almost cracked his cold demeanor last time I was there by playing with him and his favorite toy, a non-hooked lure on a fishing pole, but in the end he decided that hating me was best for the time being.
Last time I started calling cats assholes, I got many comments and emails accusing me of being wrong because until I had cats, I would not understand cats. Au contraire, I have had cats. Many, many cats. Killer, Poopoo, Buzz, Booger, Bob, Thomas, Gray, Booter, Gummer, cats as far back as my childhood memory takes me, right up until I was 27. Never without a cat. That’s how I know they’re assholes.
There is one cat for whom I will issue an exception to the asshole rule and that is Killer. I found him at a gas station when I was 21 and while he was an asshole in his youth (hence his name because he destroyed all my socks and YOU DON’T MESS WITH MY SOCKS), but he grew out of it and became an angel among felines. My brother and sister-in-law have him now because 8 years ago I moved in with my ex, who was allergic, but the point is that I know some cats have worth. But I’m not going to let one little kitty screw up my flame-baiting post here so just forget about Killer.
Cats are assholes is what I’m saying.
Although I do kind of want . He has four ears!
“Cats are just little dickheads, that’s all. ”
You KNOW my cats?
I agree with you up to a point. Cats can be rather difficult and are much more contrary than dogs (for the most part).
However, (there’s always a however or a but isn’t there?) we have a very sweet kitty cat. We rescued him from the Vet hospital we used to work at and he’s been very grateful to us every since.
He’s a bit reserved around company (as in hides when they come over) until he gets used to them, but he’s very loving and affectionate towards us.
We love him, but we also love dogs as well. My hubby had a beautiful German Shepard while growing up and she was one of the coolest animals I’ve known. Damn I miss that dog!
Four ears and it still won’t come when you call it.
Hehe, he’s named Yoda. “Claw your eyes out I must, YES.”
I had a neighbor when I was much younger, who had a white Angora cat.
His name was “Fluffy”
The vet was afraid of it.
Hah.
Look, I may be an asshole, but dogs are gross. They smell bad, slobber all over, are indiscriminate in their affections and their poops are HUGE and extremely stinky. And they’re rude, leaving their poops everywhere and not burying them like proper folks. And, oh yeah – did I mention they smell bad?
I think I did.
/licking butt from on top of the fridge where I know I’m not supposed to go, but Screw You./
Pfft. That’s nothing.
Can a cat ?
Best punk rock band name ever.
It’s a cat — how would you know it heard you???
Edit: Uh oh — I will be in trouble with Inky if I don’t admit that she actually converses. And comes when she’s called. Without food rewards. And helps with the farm chores. And goes on hikes. But she is a rare exception amongst her species.
One time I snuck a look at the vet chart for my sister’s cat. In big, bold, capital letters were the words “CAUTION: WILL BITE“.
A burglar breaks into your house. The dog will start barking and mostly want to do severe damage to that person.
The cat will observe disinterestedly until it sees that the new human has found something. Then it acts like, “Oh, is that what you want. Now let me show you where he keeps the porn.”
Cats are assholes. With the possible exception of Siamese. They are pretty dog-like cats.
Let the war begin …. …
It depends on the cat,as far as I am concerned. Pretty much adored all the ones I grew up with (give or take the odd one).
Spaddy Cats – loved him,big fat black and white, walked into the house one day and never left. ‘Meow-row’ was how he meowed.
Confusious – could take or leave him, scaredy cat.
Chilla – long white and fluffy – very stuck up.
Chippies – my cat. Adored her, everyone else hated her.
Timothy T.Cat SOFTD -adored him.
Sydney-Arthur -skinny naughty black cat -adored him.
Oliver – Sydney-Arthur’s brother. Black and fluffy – hated me.
As an adult,there have been hardly any cats I have liked. My ex had a black cat called Bryce. Man oh man did we have it in for each other. He was about the size of Sunny and with the same attitude. I would continually throw him off the bed and he had a ‘Fuck you girlie’ attitude and would just jump back on, regardless of the fact that I was just going to throw him off again.
My boyfriend’s bed was really high off the ground and one night – he hadn’t come to bed yet – and he reckoned all he could hear was random, THUDS! every few minutes. When he heard a exasperated ‘BRYCE! FUCK. OFF!’ He stuck his head in the door and asked what was happening.
‘It’s Bryce,’ I hissed, ‘he won’t stop getting on the bed, and HE’S DOING MY HEAD IN!’
‘Kate’, he sighed as though he was talking to five-year-old, ‘he’s a cat, okay?’ Then he patiently picked up the offending creature and removed him from the bedroom.
I swear to god that cat looked at me with a superior, ‘I won that one, bitch’ look as he was removed from the premises.
Oh how I hated that cat.
Ooooh, you’ve done it now!
Personally, I disagree. Cats aren’t assholes, but they are evil.
Hey, I finally managed to do the link thing without half of my comment turning blue and linking to some post somewhere! Truly, I am blessed with brains. Occasionally.
I swerve to avoid dogs, deer, possums, raccoons, snakes, squirrels, and darned near any other animal in the road. Cat in the road? Steady hands on the steering wheel and just hoping that there’s no blood left on my wheels when I get home.
Not all cats are annoying–some are dead. ;o)
If cats weren’t assholes we wouldn’t pay any attention to them outside of the occasional felinocide.
Bah. ‘Tis but a paltry offering at best.
The cat’s owner is clearly pushing the skateboard for him.
Fail.
If only you didn’t put four /’s after the http you would have done it correctly :p
I must admit, as a cat lover (no, not like that, you pervs) and cat owner of many years, I must agree: cats are indeed assholes.
Now excuse me, I see that my two cats are both staring at me rather strangely and I think I’d better
As the saying goes, “dogs have owners; cats have staff.”
And to the assholes in the city who let their cats roam around: Fuck you. Go live on a farm if you want your animals to roam free.
There are two types of cats- indoor cats and “fair game”. I’m not sure she’d actually kill one (the two who made it into the backyard managed to survive), but if my cat-hating Doberman does I won’t lose a moment of sleep over it. Keep your fluffy, retarded little rat indoors, and we won’t have to find out.
Having the dog go batshit insane at 4am because there’s a cat howling in the front yard has severely tempted me to disregard the laws banning the discharge of firearms in the city limits.
Yeah I think you’re going to have to take the cat thing off #1. There’s no way that it flames more than “I prefer IE over Firefox”
That said – I don’t think all cats are assholes, but, yeah they mostly are, just like most dogs are retarded mongoloids.
Can your asshole cat make a stench in her cat box that brings tears to your eyes?
Can your asshole cat vomit profusely on your newly shampooed carpet?
Can your asshole cat bite through 3, count them, 3 ipod headphones at $30 a pop?
Can your asshole cat leave hair on every surface and square inch of space in your home?
Can your asshole cat be so high strung that at the slightest unknown sound grip your bare thigh with it’s back claws enough to leave several lasting scars.
Can your asshole cat…wait, why do I love my cat?
Your 1-10 list was hilarious.
Lighten up people.
Well, often cats smell better than dogs. That does seem to be all of the positive I can think of about them right now. Maybe that is all the positive they can muster, it is too soon to say.
The Ogwife has a cat. It’s 67,954,081 years old. It exists just to piss me off by making loud noise when I try to sleep and inserting hair in every place hair is unwanted in the universe. I have seen it sustain injuries that were patently and definitely life ending, like being closed under the steel garage doors. It has always come back.Even the Ogwife calls it Lazarus. It bites you to suggest you are not paying it enough attention, and though it has been declawed, it will back down a possum or a raccoon and it regularly kills and eats rabbits. Though it was an old cat when it was abandoned at the wife’s childhoold home two hundred years ago, it continues to live on to harsh my mellow.
Cats are evil. Nuff said.
So he can ignore you twice as much?
The cat luxuriates upon its wheeled throne, thus expending no energy, whereas dog must propel its stupid self.
Cat is clearly the master of this universe.
WIN!
mare:
done
done
working on it
done
done, but none that required stitches.
And yes, I’m a cat person. I’m impressed Rachel could name all her childhood cats, we had a run where the cougar living under the house next door picked off prolly 5 kittens in a summer (after one disappeared, we’d get another one).
I really enjoy having a cat sleep on the bed with me, but I enjoy more not getting a face full of fur. So the cat stays in her gated off section in the basement, with access to outside. Yes, Hollowpoint, I’m that person!
Too soon to say,
True, but I find that houses inhabited by many cats smell FAR worse than houses inhabited by many dogs.
Rachel,
Cats are vile, sneaky, bitchy little creatures. Thanks for the anti-cat post. My husband calls me his cat. Masochist.
cats are awesome because they do shit like that.
I kind of agree but, I had this little (smaller than my Vizsla’s snout and much smaller than he should have been taken from his mother) black cat wander up a little over 8 years ago. He comes when I call him, always answers when his name is called and sits on my shoulder and licks my ear every day. he slept on my 110 lb. Rottweiler’s belly for years for an afternoon nap (She, the Rotttie, had to be put down in May, a walk on also I might add). He gets along with my current walk on of 3 years, Hank, an 85 lb. Rottweiler – Blue Heeler Mix. I don’t generally like cats but, Snoop is quite a good pet. maybe he thinks he is more of a dog than a cat.
I dunno Rachel, blanket statements like that always end up biting you (well . . . me anyway).
With all creatures, my like and dislike is on a case by case basis. But pretty much sums up most cat attitudes.
Hollowpoint has it almost right. There’s a 3rd type of cat: the barn cat. The defining feature of barn cats is, you never know how many of them you have at any time. (Though, “A few too many” is typical…)
Oh, wait, there’s also the “flatcat” or “sailcat”. My Texan brother-in-law’s term for what most of us would call “roadkill”.
Haven’t had a cat in the house since my wife suddenly got allergic. Our last cat was old enough to vote AND drink, but then went and died in my arms.
Oh Og – you just reminded me, after Bryce finally had the good taste to die. My ex inherited another ghastly cat. It was also about 3,485,879,485 years old. I called him the Polish Spinster. That, too, was an evil hissy piece of work.
One day he went missing – so there I was gleefully making preparations to throw a huge party to celebrate his demise. But then, about four days later, someone opened up the doors to a container they had on the property.
Yup you guessed it, the fecking Polish Spinster walked out with a ‘what-ever’ look on his face, slapped the dog and casually sauntered over to get a drink of water.
DO NOT LOOK AT THIS!
Hah!! I knew you and the comment section couldn’t resist Yoda. “Hears you, we do.” And while I can’t link, (too much for my brain) if you go to the ollie link that 14K posted, and follow it to the 2nd ollie, you will see him push that skateboard.
Yah, I’m a cat person. But they are assholes. Part of their greatness.
Of course cats are assholes. That’s why a cat is never a pet. Cats are roommates On welfare.
Curiously, most roomates are assholes, regardless of their species.
Hey AnnieKat — godam. No indoor plumbing for you. What a drag.
, mighty!?!
Oh, laughykate! He sounds like Horse! (This is where I confess that most of what I think I know about NZ, I learned from Murray Ball :P)
Friends of ours have a cat named Emmett. (We have no pets of our own – just children.) He was owned by the wife before she married the husband, and the cat passionately hates the husband (the feeling is mutual). Emmett is one of those classic assholes – will lie on his back, meowing for someone to rub his tummy, and then immediately bite the hand that starts rubbing. I swear that he’s only staving off death because he’s convinced that he can outlive the husband.
The only person he’s afraid of? My four-and-a-half year old daughter. Sees her and goes running. He’s not a stupid cat, just an asshole.
I’ve always thought of cats at the pets of filthy perverted Liberals and Dogs as the pets of normal people.
I took in a stray a few years back — and she had a cat. I didn’t like him, he didn’t like me, and we left each other alone for the most part. But — and although it was annoying, I found it an almost charming idiosyncrasy — any time I was eating bologna, he would try to steal it. Sometimes I fold a slice into quarters, and just snack on it. In between bites, if I just held it casually in my hand, this cat would frickin’ lunge at it.
Cats are assholes and bologna thieves.
Watch me hack off EVERYBODY;
Some cats are charming and affectionate, playful, and pleasant. And some are annoying pests.
Some dogs are well mannered and great. And some are complete wastes of space or worse – including 90% of all yappy rat-dogs.
Felicity – you’re right ! Never thought of it before, but yes The Polish Spinster was Horse! Nice spotting!
Okay, para,
I have two cats — one whose passing I will mourn, the other not so much — and three dogs. Liberal or normal?
One thing I have noted: the cat lovers, here at least, freely admit that most of our cats are, in fact, assholes. What does that tell us about the personality traits of cat lovers vs dog lovers? As I see it, it could go one of two ways:
either
a) cat lovers are more secure than dog lovers, thus they don’t feel the need to be worshiped by their pets;
or
b) whereas dog lovers prefer an emotionally healthy relationship, cat lovers suffer from low self esteem and thus do not mind being emotionally abused by another species.
[Just have to say…”cat lovers, here at least, freely admit that most of our cats are, in fact, assholes.” – that made me LOL. I am having Felicity’s babies as we speak. Also a few other comments in this very thread are being queued up for the Chuck Norris Unique Hidden Gusset Award. – Rachel]
I love cats (and dogs) but I’ll agree they are assholes. That’s part of the relationship: cats and people form a love/hate kind of bond with each other that is somewhat antagonistic. For example, my SO (more of a dog person) will gently, gently move my female cat off his lap when he wants to get off the couch. I say: “Hell, just toss her off – she would think nothing of waking you up in the middle of the night several times – REMEMBER that!”
Uhhh…
Those aren’t EARS Rachel-
those other two are HORNS!
cats are assholes. so am i though, truth be told. maybe that’s why i like them but have never boarded with one. wait, there were those two cats in saudi during the great unfinished gulf war 1. but hey, it was in a war zone, i was far away from home. sometimes in those situations you do things you wouldn’t do back in the world…
Man, I can’t believe this isn’t here yet.
Not all cats are assholes. Some are dead.
(I read something like that somewhere, just can’t remember where right now)
Cat people are different from dog people. Period.
Cat people profess to love animals, but they also have limits on physical contact with said animals. They can’t take too much, which works well with cats since cats set stricter limits. Very convenient.
Dog people, on the other hand, love contact with animals. Even cats. On any given minute that I am in my house, I’m in physical contact with a dog. I have five of the goddamn things, so I am eat-up with contact. I love it.
Years ago I had a boyfriend whose family had this really great neutered male Siamese. He (the cat) loved to sit on my lap and nuzzle my chin. If I could find a similar cat. . . .
And that is one vereh scareh kitteh.
I’m not sure but what a few different things should be on that top ten list.
Like Ayn Rand and RON PAUL.
RON PAUL RON PAUL RON PAUL!
My cat serves a purpose, she kills rodents that I don’t want in the house. Although she spends more time trying to sit on my keyboard than hunting :P
A good conversation starter: If you were stranded on a desert island, with no hope of rescue and could have your choice of only a dog or a cat as a companion, which would you pick as your companion?
At the risk of pissing off cat people even further…I submit that if you pick “dog” you have chosen wisely. If you pick “cat”, then you’re bat-shit insane. (And yes, I have had the dubious pleasure of sharing my home with three cats for 12 years or more. And spent more money on those ungrateful creatures than I like to admit.)
Dogs rock.
Having a dog is like living with a retarded 5 year old.
is anyone else getting stuck in moderation an unusual amount? That’s twice for me tonight. poop.
I’m too lazy to actually do anything with the pictures, but I enjoy these and they make me laff.
We have both cats and dogs, and love them all. I don’t think I’ve ever had a cat, or a dog, that I’d describe as an “asshole.” They’ve had different personalities, some were more cuddly than others. One of our dogs, Oscar (he died last year) wasn’t cuddly at all. He loved us, he trusted us, but he didn’t want to be petted or fussed over. He’d tolerate it for a minute at most, and then he’d move away.
We have five cats now, and our two male cats are the most affectionate. One hates being picked up, so we don’t do it, but they both love sitting next to us on the couch and being petted. One makes a habit of getting in my lap at every available opportunity.
BTW — Cats don’t like having their tummies rubbed. They may be lying on their backs and making inviting little noises, but it only means they’re relaxed enough around you to be momentarily vulnerable. Once you take advantage they get annoyed. The only exception to this I’ve ever encountered is one of our female cats, Pumpkin. It’s not that she likes having her tummy rubbed, it’s more like she doesn’t care if you do. But it’s vastly different from any other cat we’ve ever had.
Oy, Rachel, I’m kvelling!
And bystanders subduing teenage punks. WOW!!!
Well my barn cat is part bobcat, so I’m not sure he counts the same way. It’s more like 25 pounds of fury than actually a cat, and he certainly is no “pet.”
Evil comes to mind more than anything, that boy doesn’t just catch mice he catches rabbits. Eats the whole thing too.
I have three cats. Only two are assholes.
The third is a bitch.
On the plus side, they are relatively low-maintenance bitch & assholes, compared to dogs.
I have a cat.
He’s a flaming asshole.
Having said that, he can be one of he cutest critters you’ve ever seen (when he’s manipulating you to try to make you do something for him), and can be remarkably civil as a result of having been rescued, starving, from a parking lot. He has it good, and he actually knows it.
But he’s still an asshole.
As long as I have been on this earth I have shared a home with at least one dog and one cat. The dogs have been typical dogs (except that farookin Cocker Spaniel! Stupidest Animal on the Planet), the cats have run the gamut. We now have two greyhounds and three cats. All three of our current cats are pretty low key. The only thing that I hate about our cats is that Boo Boo Kitteh will howl at the wee hours of the night. That doesn’t wake me up, it’s the husband screaming in my ear ‘Boo Shaddup!’
I’m certain it’s revenge for chasing his old cat around his house when we were dating. She only had back claws and there was nothing funnier than seeing that big cat butt go faster that her head when she had traction on the carpet.
Good times.
This about sums it up:
I’ve never seen a retarded 5 year old subdue an intruder, provide service to the blind/handicapped, take down a wild hog, or sniff out 5 lbs. of Columbia coke. Er, wait… on second thought, I think I have seen a retarded 5 year old do both the last two. My bad.
Still, dogs are definitely better than retarded children. There, I said it.
But cats are so sweet, and fuzzy, and funny!
You naughty speciests!
There are 2 of these vile rodents that live in my house, so I have the right to say that they are evil and assholes.
I just sent a letter to the President letting him know you’ll be there to take over as leader of the free world.
I guess I’m more of a cat person than a dog person, but I love dogs as well. I remember 2 cats belonging to a friend of mine with great fondness. They were chinchillas, almost doglike in nature. I think one of the things I enjoyed most was taking them out for walks (yep, on a leash believe it or not) and seeing all of the doubletakes we got. heh. The female cat was highly unusual in that it was one of most un-asshole like cat I’ve seen. Loved everyone to death, but especially me for some reason. *shrugs*
I really don’t like cats much at all.
Although Pogs has a gorgeous cat….
And she lives about 1,000ks from me.
Which is about as close to a cat as I want to be.
Dogs have masters, cats have slaves.
Having cats is kind of a built-in irony. Easier to keep, but not nearly as grateful for the efforts of their human owners. I do not have the dedication to properly care for a dog, despite loving dogs to death. Our cats are as weird as you’d expect; one is fat and needy, the second is a feline version of a dykey softball player, the third is the unholy spawn of Satan, and the fourth has OCD and seems to be ingesting meth behind our backs. But, good pets for the easily distracted human.
Off, topic, but Cowboy Blob has something you need to see, Rachel, unless you already have.
Some years back, my ex-wife who loves cats (full disclosure, I like cats, too) brought home a stray female cat that had been spayed and de-clawed in the front. Despite being a female, she was a large cat, eventually weighing in at 18 lbs. This cat could be very affectionate at times, but had a nasty streak in her. One time, my wife interfered with this cat’s harassment of another cat we had. The cat glared at my wife, jumped in the air, whirled around and raked my wife’s mid-section with the claws on its hind feet. Does that qualify as an asshole cat? After my wife and I split up, I convinced my brother, who lives out in the country, to take this cat off my hands as she was making life miserable for my other critters. Lo and behold, she did the same thing to him in a similar circumstance.
On a side note, we had a male cat that might have been the mellowest critter ever, dog or cat. He mostly preferred to be outside (we lived in a small Kansas town so that was no problem). Back when Sam Brownback was first running for national office Sam was in our house and this cat calmly climbed up in his lap, turned around a couple of times, and went to sleep. Sam didn’t seem to have a problem with this, but maybe he was just being kind.
Hmm… I thought I liked cats when I was a child. Until I was visiting the neighbors, and their cat came over and did the figure-eight thing around my legs for a minute, then started to walk away, only to turn around, run over and bite me in the ankle!
Since then, and since I’ve had to take care of the cats we’ve had since I got married, I’m pretty much indifferent to the little assholes. In fact, I’m like some people are about children – I’m ok with them as long as they belong to someone else, and I don’t have to clean up their litter boxes and furballs, because I kind of enjoy playing with them for a while.
Another cat question:
Will your asshole cat stop dead in his tracks when you shout, “NO!” as it lunges for some small animal it desperately wants to kill, like my German Shepherd/Collie mix did for my mother when he REALLY wanted to kill a cat we found in our garage?
God forbid you are compelled to discover this for a fact in September.
I spent quite a bit of time caring for “retarded” children and adults, and I can tell you for a fact that “dogs are definitely better” is a judgement call based on individual family interaction.
Best of luck to you and yours.
Bah! Fiona probably smelled Sunny on you. She was all over hubby before you arrived. Heh.
You know my cats are angels. Well, I had three angels and only one is left now. The newest ones are angels-in-training for after Caesar is gone. Kooki never met a stranger. She was teh awsum! And Pepper was one of the loves of my life. Now there’s Apollo the Katrina refugee and the Jedi Twins, who were abandoned outside when they were five weeks old. Eleven months old now and still precious.
I totally didn’t bother reading the other comments.
Now that that’s out of the way, I totally get that some people just hate cats. I happen to love cats. I’m not a fan of dogs – I can’t relate to them in any way, and I’m a selfish asshole sometimes, so I kind of like not having to let my cats out and take them on walks and stuff. I just feed them, give them water, pet them (mine happen to be really affectionate – I got lucky), and roll their litter box (I got one of the lazy ones with the deposits in the bucket that you pull out and toss – godsend).
If a dog around me needed a home, and I could afford to take it in, I would, and I would try my best to take good care of it, though. I imagine you would do the same with a cat, until you could find a home for it.
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.” –Robert A. Heinlein
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
– – – Alfred North Whitehead
Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy….Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as some people (expensive girlfriends, for instance) that it’s often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.
– – – P. J. O’Rourke
Just one more…
What a dog thinks about his master:
He loves me, he feeds and waters me, he takes care of me. He must be a god.
What a cat thinks about his master:
He loves me, he feeds and waters me, he takes care of me. I must be a god.
I will say, for someone who had cats for years, why would you try to scratch the belly of a cat?! Seriously, you know most cats don’t dig that so why’d you do it?
Want to entertain a cat with minimal effort on your part? Find a room with a ceiling fan. Find a ball or feather toy thing the cat will chase. Find a bit of string. Tie one end of the string to the toy, tie the other end of the string to ceiling fan. It’s best if the toy is 6-12 inches off the floor when the fan is off. Turn fan on low setting. Stand back and watch for 2 minutes then walk away. Rubbing catnip on the toy first adds to the fun.
A dog is a pet and a cat is a roommate with an attitude.
Dogs don’t roam your neighborhood and kill the birds. There’s this one cat that is constantly stalking my yard. I’m just about fed up enough to start stalking the cat. I’m pretty sure it has an owner. I’m sure it will be “my fault” when they have to go get the cat from animal control.
The item left off your list of ways to start a fight is “I like Starbucks coffee”.
OK, cats have never bitten the nuts off a burglar. But I had a girlfriend once who, after we broke up, got a visit from an old high school acquaintance who was disinclined to take no for an answer. He decided to take his shirt off in her apartment, presumably as prelude for removing other things. Her cat saw this, and decided that it would be fun to start jumping on his back. Repeatedly. With claws extended. After his back started looking like a cheese grater, he decided he “had to go”. But first gf cleansed his wounds. With alcohol.
I have lots of cats (try a score) and I have to agree, they’re all assholes. Some have lived here their entire lives and won’t come near us (and run like hell when we approach), others won’t leave us alone. A few yowl and scratch at closed doors to be let in, then yowl and scratch to be let out two minutes later. They jump on counters when we try to cook, take our seats when we get up, have to be moved from the stairs when we walk up or down, and in general make a huge pain in the ass whenever they can. Having said all of that, I love them.
I still call cats “Satan’s handmaidens.” The 4-eared mutant-cat totally creeps me out.
Hey! Dogliness does that same stomp off in a snit thing you said Sunny does (when you try to sit down and pet her). But Dogliness does it on the bed. If she’s already on the bed and you come in she’ll let you STAND and pet her and worship her. She’s all waggy and cute and enjoying it.
But as soon as you sit on the bed, or GOD FORBID try to recline next to her — no matter how QUIETLY and GENTLY — she quickly jumps up all IRRITATED and pissy-like and flees the interview. When I say “flees the interview” (Fargo) I mean runs downstairs like she’s trying to get away from your ebola sneeze.
Fuckin’ dog.
Haven’t had time yet to read all of the comments, but I can say that yes, cats are assholes. But I love ’em. Dogs are just too much responsbility. With dogs, you can’t just take off for a few days. I just leave a little extra food, a little extra water, and I’m gone! I’ve got three right now, and if it weren’t for hubbie, I’d have even more. Of course, we do have a stray that wanders in and out of the house at will…
I hate my dogs. They are dumb as wood and worthless to boot. That’s a problem, see, because I have expectations. Like, I think they should protect me or should be able to sniff out a drug or should be able to be trained to do something, anything. Not these two. They are barking, shitting, peeing maniacs. Mind you, I never got around to training them, so it’s my fault.
I hate cats, too. Loath them, but I have no expectations. Mostly I hate kitty litter and the notion that the beast poops inside my house. It’s disgusting.
I don’t like people much either, so there you go.
We’re cat people.
The count of furry freeloaders on deck is four right now, it’s been as high as six. We used to foster foundlings in the past but have backed out of that gig for now.
Every once in a while, usually while I’m preparing the quarter can of canned food per cat just before bed, I’ll look up at our four furry friends, look into their eyes and catch the true nature of our relationship:
“That better not be ‘seafood surprise’ again, monkey boy. Make no mistake: if we had thumbs, your great-great-umpty great grandfather would have ended up a fur tufted ball of shit buried beneath a shrub and you would never have been.
And it’s time for a new rattle mouse. The last one is hiding under the fridge with the all other ones.”
We have a Main Coon that we found cowering in the snow beneath a bush; he fit inside the palm of my hand. That was five years ago. Now he weighs almost twenty pounds. His favorite place to sleep is the window ledge in our bedroom. And after five years he still freaks out when the radio turns on at 0515. It’s like being run over by a furry go kart.
I think what sums up cat ownership the best is a headline from The Onion.
“Like Boxes of Shit Sitting Around Your House? Get A Cat!”
I think of this every time I clean the litter box.
My roomate has two indoor cats, and they are ok to live with but pretty much only because she empties their litter box every day. That stuff is gross.
I’ve had cats my whole life. Right up until I got a dog. That’s why I like the breed I have, Siberian Huskies, they’re like having a 50 lb cat. My dogs plays with the cats toys more than they do. When they want affection they come to you, the rest of the time it’s “feed me and fuck off”
Cats are total assholes, and I’ve disliked them for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, since we have horses, and hay/grain in the barn, I’m pretty much obligated to keep a couple of barn cats around to keep the rodents at bay (the assholes are useful for this one purpose.)
We generally lose one to two asshole barn cats per year, due to coyotes, cars, and other assorted hazards that the asshole cats encounter. True to their assholian nature, the barn cats wait until they are old enough for us to have paid to have them neutered/spayed before they find some way to off themselves. Assholes.
We used to give clever and thoughtful names to the barn cats. The current two are named Orangehole and Grayhole; it simplifies things.
Cat people are generally delusional about their asshole cats, making statements such as, “They don’t listen because they’re independent,” and “They’re so clean! They groom themselves constantly!”
Well, no. They don’t listen because they’re stupid. Case in point: if you own a dog, and he lives in your barn, the dog will learn after ONE instance of being bonked in the head with the door or accidentally kicked/stepped on because he’s under your feet that it is not a good idea to be either behind the door or under your feet. A cat, being an asshole, will be behind the door or under your feet EVERY DAMNED DAY for the rest of its life. So, they’re not only assholes, they’re stupid assholes.
As to the “clean” part, because they always groom themselves: cats aren’t clean; they’re just covered in cat spit. Gross. And they scrape their asshole paws through their piss and shit, and then proceed to track it throughout the entire house of people who are crazy enough to let them live in houses; on countertops, tables, and furniture.
Assholes!
az_dave – what happened in Saudi should stay in Saudi.
C’mon, don’t tell me you weren’t thinking it too…
I see evidence of a great number of undisciplined cats in this thread.
My cats know who’s boss. They’re still cats, mind you, but they’ve figured out the order of things.
I found out a while ago that the best way to instill this is by speaking to them in a physical language. Not beating them, mind you, but conveying that your will is to be obeyed.
For example, Toby used to bite hands. Alot. I tired of that, so I took to stuffing whatever finger he bit down his throat. He stopped biting quickly.
Both cats have their nails trimmed (and are occasionally bathed) by my wife. She pretty much holds them down and goes about her work.
They complain, but largely cooperate- they know how the game is going to end- with their claws trimmed or fully bathed to our satisfaction.
Toby was also on the other side of a mini-blind I was trying to fix up after he stuck his head through it. He kept on sticking his paw through to play, making repair impossible.
I grabbed his paw for a second, held it, then let it go. I was able to finish without a problem.
You can teach your cat who is in charge. You just have to do it physically, not with words.
Just to be clear- I don’t advocate beating them. They’re so flexible anyway it’s hard to mark the line in between getting the point across and actually damaging them.
Despite our regimine of kitty discipline, Toby is an extremely friendly cat who will personally greet every visitor face to face (jumps on the kitchen table, stands on his hind legs, paws on chest.)
The other cat, Bale, was a feral little barn kitten. She’s starting to make a decent pet.
Re: 14k’s ugly-ass hairless monster picture
I was totally gonna put up a side-by-side of a hairless monster and a cute fuzzy kitteh and lable them with something funny that I can’t remember. I went to bed instead.
I too have had many cats over the years and most of them were antisocial in the extreme. When I was ten my mother brought home a Siamese which I named (PC (politcally correct)) and he hated everyone and everything. He would only come around at night and even then it was just to lay at the foot of the bed and sleep. Most of the time he slept his days away on the top of the couch cushions. My guess is he was only awake maybe 20 minutes his entire life. He was small as far as siamese cats go and never gained any weight. He lived 14 years because he was just too stubborn to die. I have a pair of rescues now, Chase, he’s like a dog in a cats body, and Chloe who has all sorts of weird tatoos in her ears and the cuddly disposition of a spool of barbed wire. Free to a good home if anyone is interested.
I’m sure it’s been mentioned by now but it’s worth repeating: cats are assholes, and that’s part of the appeal. They help you keep perspective.
We tend to anthropomorphize our pets. Just as a rock star risks turning into a dick when he collects enough ass-kissers to start believing his own hype, dogs risk enabling your dickish tendencies by being slobbering little yes-men. Everything you do is just fine with them.
Cats look at you like an equal at best, and they’ll tell you to go piss up a rope if they think it’s warranted.
I’ve had both. Overall I prefer dogs, but cats have their appeal; if they weren’t so terminally consumed with their own sense of dignity, lolcats wouldn’t be nearly as funny.
Aw, not all kitties are bad, Rachel. Mine was a little she-devil, but she was very protective of me and tried to neuter any of my dates who exhibited behavior that she deemed “inappropriate” — like wanting to sit next to me. LOL! ;)
Personally, I like to think of myself as an “animal person” rather than “cat person” or “dog person”. I was lucky enough to grow up with a variety of animals as pets: cats, dogs, fish, frogs, birds, goats, lizards, ferrets, … you get the idea. :)
Kitty Haiku
All that Kitty see
belongs to either he or
she… Don’t you get it?!!!
Furniture is for
sharpening claws and Napping
upon once conquered
Drapes are for climbing.
Book Cases offer a view
that is worth the risk
The more expensive
the goal. The louder the crash
is when it falls down
Jack.
They stare with eyes, with eyes of hate
In every home they watch and wait
In every window, so tightly curled,
Cats are waiting to take over the world…
(wish I could remember where I read that)
I actually have a cat that’s mostly dog, as Sunny is too catty. He wasn’t my idea, but damn, if he isn’t actually a pleasant and useful critter! My dogs seem to treat him as one of their own, too, so I know it’s not just my imagination.
Eh, I love ’em both. Best pet I ever had was my grey tabby kitteh. Just got to treat a cat like a cat and not expect dogness from them. They fill a different niche in the Grand Scheme, is all.
And yes, having said that – they can be mean little buggers. So can dogs, especially the little rat-dogs. Yappy and too stupid to know they only weigh six pounds, ill-tempered, disobedient… But there’s a good reason we don’t have seeing-eye cats, rescue cats, and police cats.
This whole entire thread is so full of Win, it’s scary. I hereby award the CNUHG to you all.
Because cats. They really are assholes.
Cats are prissy. Things must be just so, or it’s no-go.
Cats are also dumber than a box of pundits. They are courteous little beasts, but all they know is cat courtesy. When a cat walks away from you, he wants you to chase and catch him.
And the scratching and biting? Means he loves you and wants to play. He doesn’t draw blood, it’s only friendship.
Cats approach life on their terms because they can only think of life on their terms. They are not able to see things our way, so it is incumbent upon us to see things a cat’s way. Which means learning how a cat sees things. Which means learning how to listen to cats.
And if you have a stand-offish cat, don’t try to keep him on your lap. He fusses, put him down. After awhile he’ll start jumping up of his own accord. When he jumps up and stays is when you’ve won him over.
NHMikeG said –
“You can teach your cat who is in charge. You just have to do it physically, not with words.”
You do realize that your cats are siphoning off your retirement via your home computer?
I’d play nice, too, waiting for that last confirmation from the Caymans.
Meow!
I’m not so sure that I love cats, but for some reason they love me. Must be some sort of cat-woman gene I have because I attract the strays, misfits, & weirdos.
Feline Credo:
1. Feed me.
2. Clean my shitbox.
3. Leave me the fuck alone.
OK, small breed ‘dogs’ don’t count as dogs. They are low enough in the food chain to be used as ‘feeders’ to large snakes, and, therefore cannot be dogs. Real dogs can pick up snakes and whip them around until the snake dies. Small breed dogs should be reclassified as ‘cats that bark’.
Now this is ALL KINDS of win! Yes, cats are assholes, but it could always be worse. Sabre-tooth tigers, anyone?
Cats are definitely assholes. My black lab who loves everybody and everything, has forgotten the cat she used to live with and hates them with a passion. All of them.
Asshole cat next door (Amen, to whoever mentioned asshole cat owners who let them roam outside in cities)used to sit below our living room windows and stare up at my black lab. Didn’t do anything else but sit there and stare. Nobody will ever be able to convince me that cat didn’t know exactly what it was doing. Premeditated assholishness.
3 frenzied broken windows later, we finally removed the couch away from the the window so she couldn’t look outside all day. All she could do was break the windows to get rid of it’s tormenting presence. If the living room window wasn’t a death leap away from the cat, that cat would have been history if she’d caught it. Such was the hatred.
Never seen my cat throw up and then eat it! Seen my neighbors dog to it..cross! Never seen my cat chase a car and run head first into a pole. My cat has never knocked over a senior citizen or any other person for that matter. Cat’s my be assholes but their smart assholes!
Dog’s are just plain stupid! Flame On :)
“Can your asshole cat bite the nuts off a burglar? I think not. Can your asshole cat instill genuine fear into the hearts of shifty-looking passersby when you go on walks after dark? I think not. Can your asshole cat…etc.”
It’s true. Cats ARE assholes. Wonderful, pretentious little assholes that claw your furniture, knock shit off shelves, and trip you when you’re trying to head to the bathroom late at night.
However, unfair for the burglar angle. A cat simply isn’t the tool for the job. Also, I’m not afraid of burglars (that’s what guns are for), but spiders? Spiders are hell-born spawn that have no place in any ecosystem, let alone my living room. My cat serves on the front lines of the endless spider war. Until they make some type of anti-spider guided munitions system, my cat and I shall have our alliance. So long as the house is spider-free, she will be appeased with fresh tuna.
I have two “nephews.” Actually, they’re my cousin Heather’s fur babies. The younger is a Welsh Corgi puppy named Barkley and the older is a 10+ year-old, 20 lb. cat named Bear. Barkley is precious and rowdy in all his puppiness. He loves his Aunt Tamzy and we’ve puppy-sat him before. Bear, on the other hand, hates Aunt Tamzy because I have a tendency to run the vacuum cleaner and he’s never forgotten it. Even when I visit him on his own home turf he hisses at me. He doesn’t do it to anyone else in the family but me. So yes, Rachel, most kitties are exactly what you said they are.
Instead of a barn cat get a terrier. Preferably a rat terrier. Dead rats AND a pet who’ll play with you.
Of course, if you have a ‘possum problem get a ‘possum hound. Rachel can direct you to a good breeding program.
p.s. in regard to OK, small breed ‘dogs’ don’t count as dogs, I’m not sure where you’re drawing the line, but my Wire Fox Terrier would kick the ass of dogs much larger than he. Or die trying. He was one tough little SOB.
I’m WAY LATE to the thread –> Yes cats are assholes, but most cat owners should understand this from day one. If you get a cat and expect it to be like a dog, well, you’re an idiot.
I don’t have cats because I want them to pant and lick my face and follow me everywhere, I like cats when they curl up next to me on a cold night while I read and drink cocoa.
Our family Yorkie routinely killed water moccasins that came up into our yard from the nearby bayou. Only sayin’.
Not two extra ears — DEVIL HORNS.
Cat mews at the back door to be let in… walks straight through the house and mews at the front door to be let out.
Asshole!
Aw, jeez, not this shit again….pets are PETS, NOT “furbabies”!!!! You raise babies to grow up and live on their own, we keep pets dependant on us because we enjoy their companionship or useful skills. HUGE difference.
That’s why I hate cat-owners; I’ve come across too many cat-owners who treat their pets like children. Yeah, see if that cat will remember your birthday in twnety years, or take care of you when you’re in the nursing home…..NOT.
You’re all evil.
My cats are my best friends. I love all 28 of them but if I had to pick a favourite it would be Fluffisnowflakikins. She was once chased by a dog and spent the next two weeks totally traumatised.
But I bet YOU lot just don’t care about that.
Nasty, nasty people. you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
My wife’s an asshole.
But she’s not a cat.
But she’s a lot LIKE a cat.
Being as she’s an asshole—as are cats.
It’s just logical, is what’s my point.
Dead cats do make nice handwarmers though.
Haven’t any of you read Rudyard Kipling:
“I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.”
Cats weren’t domesticated, they just moved in and took advantage of us.
Mind you, I was acquired by a cat about a year ago and I wouldn’t be without her; but yes, she is an asshole (sometimes).
I don’t know what you’re talking about – I looove cats. Espsecially with Hosin sauce, mmmm they’re practically like chicken.
I have to say, I do find it interesting that cat haters seem to employ photos and/or stories of dead cats to make their points. I hardly ever see similar stuff from dog haters. Not trying to be too serious, but I find it puzzling, unfunny, and in horrible taste.
I’ve only met one cat who was an asshole, but plenty of dogs who were dirty-assed, stinky, snorfling, slobbering, and needy as hell. Which is why I prefer cats generally, though it would break my heart to see evidence of any cruelty towards dogs, like some of the cat comments/demotivators in this thread.
Sheesh, I’m arriving a little late to the party.
Our cats caught a rat that dared enter our kitchen a few months ago, so they are good for something. Although Bear, our Golden Retriever is an excellent rat-catcher, so he would have got it eventually.
We had two tonkinese cats, which are the greatest cats ever, almost dog-like, really. They passed away within a month of each other a couple years ago. I was happy not to have cats in the house (no more litterbox, yay!), but Mr. Lucy wanted another one, so we went to a local shelter and brought home two. Of course. They’re great, but I’m still more of a dog person. And my mother-in-law has the assiest-holeist cat ever. I hate that cat. After 5 years he still won’t come near me.
Re: Edwina at 11:52
I should tell y’all that my mom named one cat “Kittykins”. With a straight face.
My “little” brother had a cat once he named Butch. Trained him like a dog, and damned if that cat wouldn’t fetch, roll over, play dead, you name it. Stupid little bugger bought the farm chasing a car.
I’ve had both cats and dogs and prefer dogs, although cats are cool. Like Rachel says, they’re definitely assholes, but they’re so upfront about it you have to love it. Right now we have a “dog” that The Better Half obtained without my knowledge — a toy poodle. More like a barking beanie baby than a dog, if you know what I mean.
Not really. In my experience with cats, the cat most likely deserved to be chased.
Yep, I’m nasty when it comes to cats.
Of course I’m evil! I learned it from my other cat.
If more cats were like my doggish cat, there’d be a lot more cat people in the world. Like the spider-hunter above, this very friendly Abyssinian has totally eliminated every uncaged rodent in a 3-house radius and occasionally keeps in practice with a lizard. He’s friendly, handsome and functional, just like my dogs (which are of working breeds).
The other cat, well… not so much. Mostly she brings in bits of bird, or something live to play with. She’s like a knick-knack with claws, a food budget, and a tendency to shred things.
When I think of cats, I think of shotguns.
I love my cats so much that some times I let them sleep with their little paws in my mouth. Some times I bite their litte paws off, by accident, and then they’re even more adorable, hobbling around on little kitty stumps. Just A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!
I have 128 kitties. Most of them have no feet, because I ate them, but I still love them. And they love me. Nobody else loves me because I am heavy set and have a skin condition which is not my fault. Well, the heavy part is my fault, the skin condition is because I am allergic to animals. That is the fault of my feetless cats.
I thank you. My dogs thank you.
And this is exactly why I have never mentioned cats on my blog. By the way, you forgot stupid. Cats are “independent” because they’re stupid. Stupid like grasshoppers are stupid. Stupid as any critter can be stupid. Goldfish have more intelligence than cats. If somebody broke into your house and was beating you to death, that idiot cat would just sit there and watch.
Companions? I think not.
Funny no one’s mentioned a cat jumping a fence and mauling a child or stranger on the street.
We had a neighbor that had a dog that would jump the fence and come into our yard growling and being aggressive toward me in MY yard. If I’d only had a gun….tried to run the dog over several times but never could. ANY animal being aggressive to me in my own yard is a target. Never had a problem with anyone’s cat threatening me.
Around here, we refer to those things as ‘upholstered rats’.
I spent a hour just this morning, ribbing the blacksmith for buying a ‘puppy’. He spent money, money earned by the sweat of his brow, laboring day-in and day-out at the wrong end of countless horses, so he could buy a Chihuahua???? I think he actually bought it for his girlfriend. What we women will do to our poor men — oy!
Now here (courtesy of Murray Ball — a god among men) is a guide to help anyone similarly confused about what can properly be called a ‘dog’:
BTW: Contrary to some disinformation promulgated on this here thread, while some cats will roll up on you like a demented pill bug, some cats do thoroughly enjoy a good belly rub and armpit massage! (It just takes a little painful experience to learn to differentiate between the two — but it’s also a pretty good way to tell the cooler cats from the complete assholes!)
rightwingprof, something tells me you could mention your cat hate on your blog and still not be overwhelmed with comments.
Yoda is rare,
I never realized cats could ever elicit such visceral reactions from people. Why, merely invoking the name of the common American Shorthair overrides paltry human reason and will render our brainmeat capable of no more than baby talk or raw, salivating rage. Awesome. This must be part of their supernatural ability to combat spiders.
Who knew? Its cat demotivators that bring out snark.
Looks like its time for me to get to work.
cat demotivators
Seems redundant.
Chinchilla’s Rule!
Felicity, my fiance wants a pomeranian. She says they’re cute, and “look like little old men”.
I say, “But wouldn’t you like a dog that looks like, you know – an actual DOG?”.
I want a newfoundland, or maybe a golden retriever. I’ll wear her down, yet!
Rachel, I’ve had rats, but I have to admit that chinchillas are cuter!
I’ve never lived with a cat, so I don’t have much to say about them, except that I don’t take kindly to being bitten. But that goes for all critters.
I do have some real dog hate for a few specific dogs I’ve known. Especially a certain nasty, obnoxious little poodle I know… The day he dies I will celebrate with dancing and drinking and glee!
14 Karat:
My response was a tongue-in-cheek reply to the original commenter. No offense intended.
Unless a cat lover read it and was offended. Then they can take that feeling of offensiveness and shove it up their litterbox. ;o)
I like cats. I have TWO old tom cats that I’ve had since they were a few months old. They make great ratters and the best bug getters I’ve ever seen NOTHING in a bug or spider exists below four or five feet down the house walls or on the floor. NOTHING! Smack, gulp, GONE!
However, cats are assholes. They are SUPPOSED to be assholes! Dogs slobber on us, serve us, wait for us to give commands. Cats do what they’re supposed to do (ratting, bugging, etc.) then they curl up and go to sleep. Just because YOU don’t think they are doing their job doesn’t mean THEY think so!
Cats remind us that it is possible to be borderline domesticated, do their job, curl up for a nap in a nice, soft, cushy spot and don’t give a free flying eff what you think. In other words, no matter what the sex, all cats are just mini versions of . . . MEN!
Love cats, prefer them to dogs. But at the moment we have 1 (VERY large) cat and two dogs – a Golden Retriever and a Spaniel mix. Cat’s smarter than both dogs, very laid back but doesn’t take any guff from teh doggers.
Favorite cat ever was Winston, a black American Shorthair. Worst, most hated pet EVER was also a cat – small female white cat named Blanca that sprayed my bookcases whenever she got mad at me. When she didn’t take a dump in front of me instead. Got her good – gave her to a friend to become a barn cat.
What is that saying about revenge?
Most of my cats have been house trained to a pet door, so none of that nasty litter box. And we have a very large lot on a creek, so Furball gets to go hunting and brings back snakes, birds, bunnies, etc. Really the wildlife around here is very interesting and we get to see it up close and personal, as Furball believes in bringing gifts.
As far as roaming the neighborhood goes, that’s Lucy the Golden’s gig. She’s an escape artist extraordinaire. Everyone in the neighborhood knows where she belongs, thank goodness. And she always comes back. And yes, there is a fence in the back yard that she can tunnel under in mere minutes.
Charlie the Spaniel…well, he’s new and still a puppy. And I’m having the devil of a time training him since the rain just won’t stop! Training a cat is so much easier!
Also, when going out of town just leave kitteh food and water – he’s good. With the doggers one must find caretakers, which can be a pain.
Rob Farrington:
Goldens ROCK! They can be a bit hyper when they’re young, but we lucked out and have one that is mellow in the house and only goes bonkers when she’s outside. Also the baby can step on her, sit on her, pull her tail and/or ears and all Lucy does is smile and lick her.
Pomeranians on the other hand…I (or rather, eldest daughter-child) had one briefly. Great little personality, but WOULD NOT house train. Never. And chewed the baseboards even though he had plenty of chew toys. Said dog is now beloved of my parents, still not really house trained. My sister and I shake our heads. We’ve both decided that if something happens to the ‘rents, that little SOB is going to live with our brother – or my ex-husband.
Products that should actually exist: In easy-to-use spray, and ultra convenient 40MM canister grenade.
RW Donn, touche! I love it!
JackCoke said
which just cracked me the hell UP.
Long as I’m back here again, let me just say that I have a family member (another Dog Person) who found a kitten once and reluctantly took it in but named it Poop.
“Sloped forehead.” That’s all you need to know.
For the record, I’m a cat lover.
Rachel, the correct term is asscats. There have been serious studys conducted about the usefullness of cats. They are catalogged in the “101 uses for a dead cat” series.
You can leave a cat alone for 3 days with enough food a water and not have to worry.
Leave a dog with three days of food and he will eat till he vomits, then starve to death.
That settles it for me.
It’s funny, slowly, bit by bit, someone is turning Rachel into a 4channer without her knowledge. First it was butthurt, then lolcats, now copypasta.
Make Rachel happy: Order this!
I see a number of people have already pointed out that there is a body language confusion here- a cat on its back isn’t a cat that wants a belly rub, it’s a cat that’s saying “I like you, I trust you”, and sometimes also “play with me”. Hell, even our DOGS have figured this out by now, and treat the cat rolling over the same way they treat a play-bow from another dog. (Yes, they do play together. Gently.) I’ll also second what a few people have said- cats need to be socialized as dogs do, and need to learn to be gentle with their claws and fangs the same way a puppy needs to learn not to nip. There’s definitely a limit to the amount of behavior modification you can do with a cat, but they CAN learn to be reasonably civilized pets.
That said, if forced into a choice for a pet– not a working animal- between the two, I’d go with cats. I freely admit cats can be assholes, but then again I also think the very best kind of friend is the kind that can say “Goddamn, girl, that was stupid.” Our cat Zydeco can be very affectionate, or a screaming psycho, but he reserves his violent tendencies for outsiders and those who have offended us, and he’s frankly extremely entertaining to live with. I also picked the dog breed I did specifically because it has a lot of the traits I enjoy in cats- you have to earn their respect, they don’t do indiscriminate affection for anything that happens to be human, and they think for themselves. I had incredibly attached dogs that did anything I said because I said it; I prefer the independent dogs who will sometimes give me a calm “Nothin’ doing, Gaijin” stare instead of instant obedience.
THAT said, cats have a much shorter history as social animals and as domesticated animals than dogs, and their social behavior can be as buggy as software in beta. Cats are much more prone to displacement aggression- taking out stimulus or fear or anger on the nearest available warm body- than dogs are. The stories I see in this thread of cats suddenly attacking out of nowhere or biting the hand that pets are this; overwhelmed with excitement, they take it out with their teeth or claws. Hey, they’re predators; almost all their behavior is oriented toward killing stuff, not playing pattycake. When they come up blank on options for a reaction, the default is almost always some variant of fight or flight- even if neither makes the least amount of sense.
In terms of “benefit to mankind”, dogs clearly outrank cats, though the rodent-killing services were nothing to sneeze at in agricultural societies. (Which is why a country with a stark feast/famine growing season and dependence on stored grain for living through the latter, like Egypt, came to worship them.) Cats are just for those that appreciate their quirkiness on their own terms.
Cats are indeed evil, or at least manipulative. Our old family cat, Boots, was a cold-blooded killer. Birds, mice, chipmunks, squirrels, snakes – all were ‘targets’ to Boots. Once, I saw a neighbor’s dog (Shepard mix) run up to the curled-up and napping Boots. The cat exploded into an all fours launch at the dog’s head. The dog left fast with the cat following, and then stopping outside the door of the neighbor’s house, taunting.
Evil was Boots – but with a certain style, and some real big brass ones.
My sister-in-law’s cat, Sparkles, is just a big fat lazy fur pillow that knows she has it good and isn’t going to rock the boat and endanger her gravy-train.
Then there is Krosp, Emperor of All Cats.
DAMNIT WOMAN!
I was all prepared to cook Thai-style cashew chicken for dinner tonight. Now, I want to go to Taco Bell instead. You ruined my plans!
Bitch.
Bullshit. They do not. They blow.
Shortcut.
Wrong. He’ll keep eating the vomit until he holds it down.
None taken at all. Just saying. Good luck in September!
Cats are Democrats and dogs are Republicans, plain and simple.
and speaking of cuddly animals, Rachel, did you see the picture of the as soon as she is weaned from her mommy? Such a cutie!
“Cats are Democrats and dogs are Republicans, plain and simple.”
Oh, I’m pretty sure both species are far too sensible for any of that nonsense.
That baby girl hedgehog is just adorable. I didn’t know you could have them as pets. Are they able to be handled easily, given that they look somewhat prickly?
Angel,
I’ve never had one as a pet before. But as I understand it, they get used to you and put their quills down and can be quite affectionate.
I actually just received new pics from the hedgehog breeder I’m about to post. My little girl is just so cute! I think it’s only three or four more weeks until I get to bring her home.
actually I was thinking that too, or at least that the dog has an infinite supply of food!
Unless, like our old cat Zoot(who made it to 17), the cat has spent years refining his gorge and spew capabilities, literally carrying them to ever increasing heights — improves the scatter pattern, don’cha know! On one occasion he managed to anoint the entire back of a bookcase, shot right down between it and the wall. This we did not discover until we moved, a year and a half after he died . Thus, like so many great artists, his greatest masterpiece was only discovered posthumously!
Rachel Lucas Says:
Maybe you’re a Deist? You’ve definitely got the “Clockmaker Goddess” thing happening with this thread! :)
Around my house, *I’m* the asshole. The cats are just fine.
“Cats are ….. disloyal, and lazy….Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful.”
Ohhhh, cats are Democrats.
That explains a lot.
Oh, thats really awesome. How exciting that you’ll get to see her pretty soon. I’ve bookmarked your blog so I can keep up to date with info about the new addition. Just want to touch her little nose.
Exotic/interesting pets are teh coolest.
, Angel. They are cool (to me, at least).
I’ve often found that cats, like many of the things in my life (my old 60’s Fords, certain tools, etc.) don’t necessarily care if I love them or hate them. As long as I have a minimum understanding of their needs, and what they do best. Don’t try to teach a cat or a pig algebra. You’ll be very disappointed. But, let them do what they do best. And, for a cat that includes BEING AN ASSHOLE! OK, OK, maybe we need to class this place up and act respectable. A friend of mine always used to refer to it as an “anal orifice.” Maybe we should use that term. Naw! Cats are ASSHOLES!
Arse sphincter. Srsly!
14 karat:
thanks for sending me to see maya’s lizard! Too cool! I love exotic pets.
It’s obvious no one reads your blog;a mere 177 comments by now? I hope someday you get this gig down.
You’re right, cats blow. Had one good one; the rest mostly choked on bird bones in spectacular fashion, or remained aloof and alone.
But Dude – he was KoolKat. Had a girlscout troop one year, and Dude, the friendliest cat in the universe, decided that ONE particular day to go ballistic (in TRUE CAT FASHION) and run along the back of the couch (where the troop was sitting) claws out. Cut all 9 girls.
Awesome display of cat dick-headedness.
Cats don’t bite, cats mouth. Here’s how to tell the difference.
Is blood pooling on your palm? Mouthing.
Can you see through your palm? Biting.
I learned how cats play a long time ago. And I have the scars to prove it.
Cat: A soft indestructible automaton provided by Nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
[My cat] Nameless and I have an agreement: I leave her alone and don’t make sudden moves when I wake up to find her perched on my chest, staring with an unblinking hostile gaze at my face and in return she rarely mutilates me.
— James Nicoll
In the eyes of a cat, all things belong to cats.
— Anonymous
In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this.
— Terry Pratchett
A cat knows exactly what you are, and treats you accordingly.
— author unknown
Cats understand our feelings. They don’t care, but they understand.
— Anonymous
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don’t like them. That’s when they come over and violate your body space.
— Anonymous
When the rat laughs at the cat, there is a hole. The rat has not power to call the cat to account. The rat does not go to sleep in the cat’s bed.
— Incomprehensible African Proverb
cartoons crack me up …
My favorite is
Holy bearded dragon!!!
Thanks 14K for pointing me in that direction!
Thats a serious reptile there. Just awesome to look at. Her fish are pretty cool too. I just have a boring old angelfish, and a few little sharks.
I’m surprised no one has mentioned this about dogs and cats. I’ve never seen a cat eat dog shit, but I used to babysit a friend’s dog that loved eating the tootsie rolls in the litterbox.
Suds46:
Kitty. Roca.
It’s SWEEEETTT! : )
(At least, that’s what my dogs tell me — my little brother … not so much. Now THAT was disgusting. Try cleaning that out of little teeth when you’re responsible for babysitting the little monstrosity and you’ll get your ass kicked if you get caught for any child shenannigan anomoly … I still shudder when I think about it.)
Our mostly Maine Coon mix, Buster, wishes to inform you that while he Would like to voice his displeasure with your comments, you are simply not worth the energy.
The dogs eating cat shit thing.
We kept a Welsh Corgi for someone for a few months and we didn’t know about this peculiar interest from dogs.
At first we thought our cat Buster was bringing out day old kitty doodles and leaving them about…..and then J. caught the W.C. IN the cat box, foraging.
J. started calling the kitty doodles “Buster Bars”….flavored treats for dogs.
We tried to find a little chef hat for Buster, but we knew he wouldn’t have worn it.
Please inform your mostly Maine Coon mix, Buster, that according to the prevailing consensus, he is most probably an asshole.
OK, dogs are dumber than cats! A lot dumber, in many cases.
They’re goofier and friendlier, though. With some exceptions, of course. My ex adopted a cat once and I’m sure that it was part Tonkinese – it was unusually friendly for a cat and used to do the whole lying on her back in my lap with her legs straight upwards thing. My ex eventually gave her away because she used to sit outside the closed bedroom door, wailing like a baby. That cat really hated closed doors.
I really took to that cat, although she had a habit of headbutting me on the chin while purring contededly and sticking her claws into my thighs, which would have caused me no end of itchiness if no-one had ever invented 24-hour antihistamines.
Yes, I’m an animal nut who’s actually allergic to cats and dogs, and probably a lot of other things too. If God was even more of a joker, he would have made me allergic to beer, too *shudders*.
I did a story at a catshow earlier in the year.
Never before have I seen so much crazy under one roof.
I had to laugh at what Vox Day on his blog in response to yours, Rachel.
Re: Cats biting
Leo used to bite me on the heel of my left hand, on the fleshy part. It was always in the same context: We would be playing around, I’d be petting him and rubbing him, he’d be purring up a storm and licking my hand and all happy and everything, and all of a sudden CHOMP! A couple of times he even drew blood. But I always took it in the playful spirit in which it was intended.
Kira prefers my left elbow. She’s bit my right elbow only once. But she is more gentle and dainty than Leo, so it’s more gnawing than biting, more like a puppy chewing. She has made it a part of her “It’s morning! Wake up and feed me!” daily routine.
How it is even possible that a post about CATS ARE ASSHOLES gets more comments than a post about NON-ANNOYING DEAD CHILLENS?
srsly?
Yes. Cats are .
Via .
Personally, I hate every city cat ever. I’d be arrested for animal cruelty if ever I have to have another city cat.
Country cats are totally different. You EXPECT them to act wild when they are. They don’t usually bite people except when it is obvious (hiss hiss snarl “put me down!” snap rake). That’s totally up and up – the cat tells you up front that you mess with me, you’ll regret it.
All but one of our farm cats was friendly. The one that hated humans stayed around our property. It was HER domain. With HER on our property, we did not have live rats on our property and mice were pretty scarce too. She had one failing about rats that my mother hated: after she killed the rat, she dragged it up to the house and left it where we could find it. Kind of as if to say “See? I’m earning my keep, now keep leaving me alone.”
I helped one cat get a rat. The rat was hiding behind something, I put the cat at one end of area and then threw something at the rat from other end. Rat fled. Dang, that was something to watch. The rat was the same size as the cat. The cat engulfed the mouth and nose and most of the head of the rat. Both laying on their sides, kicking at each other with cat’s front paws holding on tight. Rat probably suffocated.
14k: thanks for the linky love!
kitty roca: dogs are fucking disgusting
biting elbows: I remember a cat doing that to me. I think it either means “get the fuck off my sofa now bitch” or “pay attention to me now bitch”. Either or both at the same time are likely, I think.
cats getting mice: one house I lived in in high school had a pretty good mouse problem (you could hear them scritching in the walls all the time) but they didn’t seem to escape into the inhabited areas of the house very often. Well, apparently Hampton (son of my beloved Mittens who died last year) found a mouse to play with ALL NIGHT LONG. He was a fat, stupid cat. Anyway, my dad came down in the morning to find Hampton totally worn out from the night’s play: laying on his side in the middle of the living room floor, with a limping mouse running in circles (one side’s legs were probably broken, so he could only go in a circle). So every time the mouse came within striking distance during a cirlce, Hampton would lazily swing out his paw and trap the mouse. Then let go and wait for him to come around again. Moral of the story: cats are evil devilish cruel tortuous creatures, but I love them anyway.
PS, Maine Coon sized poop must be a sizeable and filling treat for a dog.
Rachel,
We own a cat but I have to agree with you solely on the strength of your impeccable logic and empirical observations. When I go home today I will begin calling my cat “asshole” instead of his real name and because he is such an asshole, he probably will not even care.
Love your list!! And yes, cats are assholes. I know because I’ve never lived without one for 46 years. I do like them equally as much as dogs, though: both have their good qualities as well as things that annoy me about them. Makes life more interesting. :) And I’d rather put up with difficult dogs and demanding cats than screaming children in a movie theater any day.
Cats are Assholes, Dogs are Retards.
Cats on a farm are a neccessary evil. You tolerate them so you don’t have to tolerate snakes and rats. Once in a while, you have so many that the herd needs to be thinned. .22 ratshot does the job cleanly and efficiently.
No, it is not illegal where we live.
How it is even possible that a post about CATS ARE ASSHOLES gets more comments than a post about NON-ANNOYING DEAD CHILLENS?
It is interesting. And she hasn’t even blogged about dead puppies yet.
Cats are exceptionally cool. I’m saddened and somewhat disappointed that this obvious fact eludes so many conservative critical thinkers. While I love dogs, cats are given a very hard road in agrarian states. That’s why we have seven of the little bastards with an eighth soon to come home after the vet takes care of business. Now, are we installing a central vac? Hell yes. But think of eight dogs in the winter in this climate. I don’t have to walk the damn dogs and beg them to go when the temperature drops to 20 below observed with a wind chill of 50 below. The cats have their little door into the garage where they visit their little boxes. Then, since the husband is so hooked on the little bastards, he does all the box maintenance. Like garbage, that’s a guy job. We tell visitors we have two [too many]. It’s fun watching them trying to make a count. Didn’t you say you have two?
JackCoke: Buster says he’ll take as a compliment, that the general consensus here is that he most likely is an asshole.
Also he’d like to remind the anti-feline people that those who do not like cats were rodents in a previous life.
This has definitely been one of the most entertaining threads on Rachel’s site.
True popcorn fare….
My cat is an asshole
whenever he pees
it smells like ammonia
and makes the dog sneeze
He clawed up the sofa
and ruined the floors
then shredded some curtains
and pillows in scores
He acts like an angel
and purrs like a saint
then slashes out madly
when his way things ain’t
He loves to eat pasta
and black olives too
too bad its your dinner
he clawed his way to…
Cat bowling’s a pleasure
He slides down the hall
slams into the book-case
and makes treasures fall
He yowls at the doorway
He wants to come in
Then once you’ve done for him
wants outside again
My cat is an asshole
its really quite true
and if you don’t like that
well then so are you.
P.S. its true. My (dead) cat ‘bowled’ himself down a long wood-floor hallway a couple of hours every night (around 3AM), did crash into shelves and knock knick-knacks to the ground, coveted pasta (with sauce) and thought black olives were the next best thing to catnip…
Cats may be assholes, but unlike dogs, they don’t eat shit. Come to think of it, you can define an asshole as soneone who won’t take shit.
My wife’s two Doberman Pinschers not only eat shit (and yes, I’m talking cat shit), they’ll get into garbage at any opportunity. One of them ate grout (trip to the animal hospital in the dead of morning), and once managed to sneak downstairs and devour most of a ten-pound package of frozen chicken let out to thaw, which meant another trip.
You’re welcome to our dogs, I’ll keep the cats.
In Israel cats are all feral and feed off the dumpsters almost exclusively. It’s gross. But it keeps the rats away.
Cats are an anti-rat system in Israel, brought in (allegedly by the Arabs) from France many years ago. At least that is the legend.
The feral cats in Israel are neither happy nor healthy. It would require more Arab-Israeli cooperation to repair the situation, but it might be possible.
I will say that yes some cats are assholes (just not mine, of course). I one of those owners that thinks of my cat as my kid simply because I have no desire to have any biological crotch fruit of my own running about. So, he’s a reasonable facsimile.
The hubby and I used to work at the local vet hospital in the little town we grew up (we moved out of soul sucking town and will never go back) and there were two cats that were beyond horrible.
First, my neighbors had a cat named Shadow that hated EVERYONE except two of the people she lived with and would attack for no reason whatsoever. The vet who owned the hospital was afraid of nothing and even she wouldn’t handle this cat without gloves and a catch pole. She even had a picture of said cat in her office in a frame that said World’s Meanest Cat!
Needless to say no one was too upset when they brought her in to be put down!
Second, who good old Mikey. Mikey was very, in poor health and mean as hell.
I was still fairly new at the office when I met Mikey for the first time. No one had bothered to tell me that this cat would take off your arm if you tried to touch him. So, when his owner came to pick him up I went back to the kennel, opened the cage, picked the cat up, put him in his pet taxi and delivered him to the front. The look on everyone’s face (especially the hubby’s) was beyond priceless. I was beyond pissed when I was informed how lucky I was to still have my arm. The cat never gave me any problems after that, but he was still one of the biggest asshole cats I had ever met.
Robyn:
Heh. That reminds me of the time I had to drop my cat, Kira, off at the vet. When I returned to pick her up at the end of the day I found a paper sign taped to her carrier that said “WILD!”
WTF??? She is absolutely the sweetest cat you could imagine. The first word that comes to my mind to describe her personality is “placid”.
Sure wish I could have been a fly on the wall at that vet’s office. : )
rickl:
It must be something with the vet’s office that inspires that in cats.
My best friend has the sweetest and dare I say most docile cat I’ve ever met. He’s a big ball of loveable fur. She recently took him to the vet’s office for shots, etc., and as it was said to me “He tried to kill the vet and anyone else around.” I’ve known Chester since he was a 12 week old kitten and I don’t think I’ve ever heard the cat hiss!
However, the two I mentioned above were just VERY ill tempered by nature. Mikey had attacked his owner twice and Shadow was just mean. The same people that owned Shadow a few years later got another cat that was even more ill tempered. She attacked the wife twice (cut up both arms very badly) and had to be put down as well.
So some cat really are just assholes!
Okay. I’m a dog guy. I knew a German Shepard when I was 5 that had more brains and class than any ten human beings I have known in the past 40 years.
But…
I have three cats I brought back from Saudi Arabia: Mother, Boobooz and Fluffy.
Drama Queens and Issue Bitches every single one.
Why did I bring them back?
A 5-inch black scorpion in my living room. One second I am looking at a cast extra from Jurassic Park, and the next second, Miss Fluffy is shredding the little bastard into bite-sized segments.
A brown scorpion will put you off your feet for three days, and the antibiotics taste like dogfood. A black scorpion will put you in the Emergency Room.
You fuck with Miss Fluffy, you sleep with the fishes.
Cats aren’t all bad.
FYI:
Big banner headline at the top of the page, in a font size bigger than “Rachel Lucas”:
“Cats Ringtones”
People keep saying “oh yes, they are assholes, BUT…”
No but. They are arseholes and they are evil. There is a use to a cat though – they help keep the population of vermin down on a farm. I have had lots of cats, and if I ever live on a farm again I expect to have a cat again. But he will be fed, and live, in the barn with the farmyard animals. I do not let arsehole, evil, animals in to my house.
Dogs on the other hand have a use and are nice. What a novel concept. :)
So I guess what my opinion is about cats is very simple: purpose before style. If you get a cat because it is cute and cuddly then you are excused as a lesser knowing person. If you want cute, get a chinchilla, or you know, a rat, or bird, or something that does not treat you like shit all the time.
Honestly, the things people put up with for a little pussy.
The hidden gusset award was well deserved for the comments.