Disturbing Google search term of the week.
This brings so many questions to my mind. Questions of great import.
Am I an irresponsible dog owner for never having considered whether fleas go up into my dogs’ butts when I bathe them?
Can fleas even survive inside a dog’s butthole? Don’t they need air? Do fleas breathe?
Is Astra Zeneca (from whence the search originated) testing a dog butt vaseline-like substance and using Google for research?
To be capable of applying vaseline to your dog’s butthole, how drunk do you have to be? How high? How numb inside?
Seriously, how would you even live with yourself afterwards?
How did a search term involving vaseline and dog butt end up on my site? I can ASSURE you I’ve never used those words together in my entire life at any time. Until now. And I can’t wait to see what this does to my context-based ads.
Ew
Just
Ew
Edit: I do have a hunch about the search, however . . . ya think?
October 7th, 2008 at 2:29 pmThose key words might have appeared in the comments to your post on the unfortunate toe incident with Sunny.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:37 pmI’m seeing ads for dog food and dog allergy treatments, but I imagine it’ll get worse shortly…
October 7th, 2008 at 2:41 pmYeah. To the right of the comment box as I type this is, “Natural Dog Itch Remedy” at PetProHealth.com, and at the top are links for Pets & Allergies. Google ads are running mostly dog allergies, with one dog food.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:46 pmThe people I work with now are sure that I’m crazy. Readin yur blog, sittin’ here giggling and snortin’
October 7th, 2008 at 2:48 pmIn college, these two girls I knew (roommates) had a cat. The cat went into heat, which makes cats even MORE assholish than normal. The cat stayed in heat. It was an inside cat, so she couldn’t go out and get the itch scratched by some local tom cat.
The girls take the cat to the vet, ask him what to do. In all seriousness, the vet says: take a pencil, then take some vaseline, and …
They never said whether they followed his advice or whether they just tolerated the insanity until nature finally ran its course.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:51 pmYep–”Help Itchy Dog”–I think you broke Google Ads, Rachel. I have no problem scratching my dog’s belly but that’s as far as it’s goin’…
October 7th, 2008 at 2:52 pmso I don’t know how this person go to your site. Regular Google search doesn’t even show you on the second page. The first page is mostly answers.com, which I would totally go to if I needed this kind of question solved. Also, I hardly ever go past, say, third page maybe? on Google. I think you should send this to AZ’s HR departent or maybe IT (more of a “huh. this is funny” sort of thing, not because someone needs to get in trouble). Of course, the people in HR are just as likely to have been surfing the web for this as any other wacko who works there.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:52 pmUm…I almost spit pees out my nose. I keep forgetting to NOT read your blog while I eat or drink anything. Thanks for that. =)
October 7th, 2008 at 2:54 pmi cannot tell you how much your site cracks me up.
But on a more serious not, having never had my own website, I am disturbed by how much information a website receives from the hits it gets. yikes.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:54 pm“How numb inside?”
Now that’s funny.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:07 pm…I am more impressed with the Visit Number being 1,896,504….
It that how many different visits your site has had? Geewillikers…! Since I am in the minority and do not have a blog, that sounds like a pretty big number. Yeah, I know, Drudge gets that in an hour or something — save your comments.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:14 pmXD
As if the post itself wasn’t funny enough, then this typo kills me!
Some things are just TMI, casto!
October 7th, 2008 at 3:18 pmOf course this would explain how a lot of Senate and House Democrats received flea bites on their peckers.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:18 pmOf course this could be a coverup story, like the guy just helping the sheep over the fence. Or not.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:23 pmOn an interesting grammatical note, it’s the fleas in that sentence that are bathing!
October 7th, 2008 at 3:40 pmWell, offhand I’d say that ads to sites like will likely appear in your sidebar.
Tangentially related topic:
Some years back, a friend of mine from Roanoke, VA, told me about his friends back in high school. They’d sit around drinking, smoking pot and shooting the breeze. One day, one of his, umm, more unusual friends piped up and said, “Hey, I’ve got a video of a guy having sex with a chicken. Wanna see?”
I’ve never been drunk enough in my life to have said Yes to such a question. However, this group assented and was treated to a flick called, if Dave wasn’t yanking my chain, “Barnyard Bonanza”. I won’t mention the things he said afterwards, because Rachel’s context ads would probably result in her pulling down her blog again, and that would be too bad. Anyway, suffice it to say that I requested Dave never bring up the topic again. The query listed above unfortunately dredged it up out of the recesses of my brain. So, you know, thanks.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:41 pmThanks, physics geek. That was, um, lovely! Now somebody will, no doubt, resurrect the unfortunate donkey clip.
Edit: There’s a “memory hole” joke here somewhere.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:47 pmIt’s a sick world we live in, Physics Geek.
Rachel, you’re awesome.
October 7th, 2008 at 4:09 pmWhen I was on submarines, we would get tracker crabs. Just like regular ones, except when we’d take a shower. Then they’d all run up your butthole, then track **** all over you when they came back out…
(Yes, I’m making this up.)
October 7th, 2008 at 4:15 pmHammered-smashed, as a kite, and vacant.
October 7th, 2008 at 4:17 pmWilmington, Delaware?? Gee, it’s nice to see Joe Biden’s branching out from Home Depot to PetSmart.
He’d better save some of that Vaseline for Comrade Barry though — he’s gonna need it tonight!
October 7th, 2008 at 4:28 pm*SNORT* OMG! That is hilarious!!!
Well, I do have a full bladder at the moment. ROFL OMG…Seriously that is just too funny.
Of course I meant PEAS.
But spelling has never been my best skill. =)
October 7th, 2008 at 4:54 pmYesterday while my dog Noogie was having his yearly exam, our vet advised us to keep the hair around his bung hole trimmed way back. Apparently maggots are attracted to the little poop pieces-parts that don’t make that journey from the anus to the ground.
I advised our vet that I wasn’t going to have any appetite for dinner.
Talk about ew.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:07 pmOnce again, Rachel, you have brought up a subject that just tests our intellect AND our nerve!
So, imagine how drunk you’d have to be to apply that vaseline. Too much drink and you either miss the central location for the vaseline, or you forget to put on the rubber finger! Hmmm. Wouldn’t THAT be a surprise! But, if you’re REALLY drunk, would you even notice? Does one need to take lessons in bestiality? Or, do we just wait until California, er, Homofornia Supreme Court justices vote for allowing bestial marriages, thus legalizing the application of vaseline to a dog’s central apperture, rearwards facing, with or without a rubber finger?
Man, is THAT a justicial decision that those Homofornia Supreme Court justices can just relish in! They could REALLY see themselves as the next Thurgood Marshall! WHAT a justicial reputation they will leave behind for posterity! Or is that Posteriority? It could be called the “doggie position” decision!
October 7th, 2008 at 5:09 pmEvvybuns–
The advantage to cats. They enjoy buttlick catfood. So, no problem with maggots. But, you may not want kitty to give you a big, wet willie kinda kiss! Then again, kitty usually enjoys a nice rub on the neck and behind and between the ears. Far away from the source of that blcf.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:13 pmAssuming your dog had fleas, and assuming you spludged up a wad of Vaseline and smeared it over her butt immediately prior to bathing the poor canine, my guess (and this is only a guess, I SWEAR!) is that that would keep the fleas from getting in there.
How exactly you could prove this…I dunno.
Nor do I know why fleas would want to crawl up a dog’s butt during said canine’s bath. And please, if you do know, don’t tell me.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:15 pmSay, did you happen to, erm, ah, see any searches about, ummmm [shifty eyed look] peanut butter, did you?
October 7th, 2008 at 5:33 pmI know I know!
October 7th, 2008 at 5:36 pmThere was a comedienne, I forget who, maybe Robin Williams or Eddie Murphy who used to do a joke about how the worst part about having crabs was that when you take a shower, they run inside your asshole, and then when you dry off, they come out and track shit all over you.
So that’s why they wanted to know if they used vaseline, would it seal up their dog’s butt.
I wonder if they were gonna stuff cotton balls in the dog’s ears?
And the only ad I see is for dog food. yak.
Pat’s friends’ predicament inspired me:
October 7th, 2008 at 5:42 pmTo answer your question about flea survival in a canine rectal environment, simply lick your lips immediately after allowing your doggie to kiss you. If you taste flea, the answer is yes.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:42 pmYou could use your toe, Rachael.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:47 pmI don’t know about a dog’s butthole, but it sure works good on mine.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:47 pmhee hee hah hah…this posting of yours almost made me pee pee my pantaloons!
October 7th, 2008 at 5:50 pmTears streaming laughin’ my friggin ass off here!
Rachel, you have the best commenters!
October 7th, 2008 at 5:54 pmThat is just so wrong…what demented, poorly-realized thought process led someone to even consider such a thing? Ha ha ha ha!!
“How drunk? How high? How numb inside?” I’m laughing so hard my own dog ran off and hid under the bed.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:57 pmThis is why I blog about this stuff. Because I know the comments will make me laugh.
Bung holes. Unfortunate toe incidents. Buttlick cat food. God I love you people.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:59 pmThis is a little OT, but then again it has to do with assholes so…
Please visit the web page below and scroll down a bit. Apparently Obama isn’t running for President of just the US, but the entire world.
Sounds as though they are going to try intimidation tactics on the first day of early voting here in Nevada.
October 7th, 2008 at 6:16 pmWell, you’re the top result in THAT search now.
October 7th, 2008 at 6:18 pmWouldn’t the Vaseline make it easier for the fleas to get in?
October 7th, 2008 at 6:22 pm:S
Now I want to vomit.
The obsessiveness and devotion of some Obama supporters is so very, very creepy.
October 7th, 2008 at 6:48 pmI’m way more disturbed that the “ISP” is Astra Zeneca.
GET BACK TO WORK, SLACKER!!!
October 7th, 2008 at 7:03 pmThings I must do after work today.
1. Go for a swim.
2. Hit the supermarket.
3. Make dinner.
4. Vaseline the dog’s arse.
No, it really doesn’t work for me.
October 7th, 2008 at 7:22 pmD.W. said “I’m seeing ads for dog food and dog allergy treatments, but I imagine it’ll get worse shortly… :-)”
I think its gotten worse. I’m seeing ads for Barack Obama
October 7th, 2008 at 8:15 pmI use Frontline on my cat, which is an oily liquid you put on the back of your pets neck to keep fleas off. However if they change the formula from oil on neck to grease on butt, I’m sorry but kitty will just have to live with fleas.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:19 pmI don’t know what AstraZeneca is making with vaseline, but I think the implication of the search is obvious: When this substance is applied, it goes on with your big toe.
And for those who are wondering, if any, putting the stick up a kitty’s twat causes the kitty to ovulate, thereby putting an end to heat. Never done it, just read about it. Don’t plan on doing it either.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:33 pmPreparation H: not just for humans anymore!
October 7th, 2008 at 10:55 pmOne of the things to you have to do to maintain your sanity if you have a blog that allows you to check Google search terms of people coming to your site is never to check the search term file. That way lies madness.
Or if you do check them, post the weirdest ones for all the world to see. Not everybody can do this. Anyone who can dress a sad-eyed dog in a bumblebee costume can do this.
October 7th, 2008 at 11:05 pmNot sure which is funnier, your blog or the comments to it. Once again, i have laughed too much already this morning!
October 8th, 2008 at 7:06 amdr kill Says:
“To answer your question about flea survival in a canine rectal environment, simply lick your lips immediately after allowing your doggie to kiss you. If you taste flea, the answer is yes.”
Absolutely f’in PRICELESS!
October 8th, 2008 at 10:04 amMental floss, mental floss….
Squicky squicky squicky.
Mental floss, mental floss….
Squicky squicky squicky.
Repeat as necessary. Or ad infinitum.
October 8th, 2008 at 10:11 amThe (disturbingly) fascinating part of this to me is the seriously convoluted logic. I mean, just how does anyone get to posing a search for that? If one starts with, “Hmmm, the dog’s got fleas. I need to do something about it,” wouldn’t that entail a search for flea collars or FrontLine?
How did the person arrive at the flea + dog butt connection?
What about fleas getting into the dog’s other orifices? Is that less of a problem?
And, why would the searcher be specifically worried about fleas going in when bathing as opposed to other times?
As usual, Rachel, you have raised questions about our fellow humans that are truly compelling … and really icky.
October 8th, 2008 at 10:48 amOctober 8th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Lance… EEEEWWWWWWWWW….
Tully - I’m all out of Mental Floss. Can I borrow some from you?
October 8th, 2008 at 1:14 pmYou can have some mint, but I’m hoarding the cinnamon.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:22 pmLance: GROSS!! XD
October 8th, 2008 at 4:42 pmEvvybuns
My kitteh says “No wai”
October 9th, 2008 at 8:29 amJust in from Peta:
Great, Lance. That’s just great. That poor dog will probably be scarred for life.
October 10th, 2008 at 6:32 am