Why yes, I’m a genocidal war criminal, I’ll be sure to answer this application truthfully.
Last night, Rupert and I filled out my visa/entry clearance application doodad online (which you of course then have to print and mail in, they don’t make it THAT easy). His is already done and approved but we had to wait for my new passport to do mine.
Anyway. La dee da, what’s your name, birthdate, where were your parents born, why are you coming to the UK? Then, this page:
I don’t know why but it just made me laugh and laugh. I rolled on the floor laughing. Rupert was reading the questions aloud and I shouted YES! to every one of them. Rupert grimly supplied the correct “no” responses because he didn’t think it was nearly as funny; this is serious business after all. Then I demanded he make a screenshot.
I am no bureaucrat or homeland security expert, and I am sure they have good reasons for asking these questions, but I simply can’t fathom anything more futile. Like a terrorist is going to be honest on this thing, knowing checking “yes” would completely defeat the entire purpose of even bothering to apply for a visa. It’s like making guns illegal to reduce crime, as though criminals give a shit about the law.
The last question, though, the one I couldn’t help but Photoshop, what the hell? Every adult on Earth has engaged in activities that might make SOMEONE consider him to be a person of bad character. Just seems like an odd question to ask. “Are you an asshole?”
The social security office actually wasn’t bad this morning. Only waited an hour, and spent that time chatting with an old man about food (fried rattlesnake if you must know) and his time serving in the Korean war. I had to change the subject when he started talking about “Asian girls” and being “quite the randy boy if you know what I mean.” Criminy dude. Some decorum please.
Breaking news on the Maggie vs. Neighbor Cat Detente: I believe cat death is imminent. Cat is now daring to climb up on the fence because it clearly doesn’t comprehend that Maggie will jump up there to knock it down just like she does to possums. I feel like I should go warn the neighbor lady about Snookum’s irresponsible and poorly-thought-out bravado.
That’s Hilarious!
Typical Government BS though, ain’t it? Just as stupid as passing restrictive gun control laws that only serve to annoy law abiding citizens, while the criminals and thugs happily ignore them.
January 9th, 2009 at 4:56 pmESTSame thing on the federal forms one fills out every time one buys a gun.
Pointless bureaucratic BS from the department of redundancy department.
Gotta agree about that last question though. Anybody who can honestly answer no to that one is….well, I don’t know what they are but I’m pretty sure they aren’t human. They wouldn’t be any fun at a party, either.
January 9th, 2009 at 5:05 pmESTHeehee! This is why I love you so! The last set of similar questions I had was on my CHP application — Ya shur, I’m sane!
Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say.No.More.
Yeah. As much as the cat deserves whatever it gets for taunting Maggie, I’d probably warn the neighbor (who will probably just say, “It’s a security cat.”). But at the same time, I wouldn’t worry too much about Snooky — cat reflexes vs possum reflexes? (Do possums leap? Can possums leap? Now I must know!)
January 9th, 2009 at 5:06 pmESTBureaucrats are the same no matter the nationality, apparently. Seeing the Battlestar Galactica ad adjacent to this, you should know that my brand new MS Zune now contains the entire Sci Fi Channel BG miniseries for my viewing pleasure in addition to over 200 songs and symphonies and a music video. There would be more videos but can’t find where anyone sells Girls Just Want to Have Fun.
Also, please talk to the neighbor re her cat. During my first marriage, a neighbor’s dog killed another neighbor’s cat. My husband extended vigilante justice they probably still remember. Her husband may not be a lawless redneck but one never knows, do one.
January 9th, 2009 at 5:08 pmESTThey can’t deport you for being a terrorist, but they can deport you for lying on the application.
This is how we (the US) got rid of Nazis that immigrated here. We asked if they were Nazis, and then if they were later found to have been Nazis, we could even go so far as revoking their citizenship since they lied on their application.
So don’t lie. You wouldn’t want Britain to kick you out, would you?
January 9th, 2009 at 5:27 pmESTWell, hopefully they won’t find your blog before approval . . .
January 9th, 2009 at 5:36 pmEST“Have you engaged in any other activities…”
Like vhat?
January 9th, 2009 at 5:37 pmESTAnyone else notice all the superfluous (or maybe just misplaced) commas in those questions? Apparently British bureaucrats are as dimwitted as ours.
Regarding the cat: don’t worry, cats are much springier than possums. No matter how fast Margaret is, the cat will see her coming and leap off the fence before she can knock it down. The cat is just being an asshole. I’m sure it can’t help it, of course; it’s a genetic thing.
January 9th, 2009 at 5:53 pmESTmaybe it was all those fucking commas that made you laugh and laugh. This should go in the grammar post.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:05 pmESTI know! It’s totally subjective!
January 9th, 2009 at 6:06 pmESTActually, Schrodinger, my question was directed at Rachel.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:09 pmEST“All questions must be answered in English;”
So English
January 9th, 2009 at 6:14 pmESTchecktick marks — okay, I guess there is a difference!Have you ever engaged in any other activities that might indicate that you may not be considered a person of good character?
Hmm. On a New Year’s Eve over ten years ago I drank myself into a stupor and barfed red wine all over the bedsheets in the house where I was a guest.
However, I did offer to buy a new set if the stains didn’t wash out.
When I was 14, my girlfriends and I snuck out from where we were attending a slumber party and teepeed a house.
However, I did convince everyone not to destroy the mailbox.
I think I’ve been able to at least break even in the character sweepstakes.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:20 pmESTYour writings have sometimes tempted me to strangle stupid people. Does that qualify as “encouraging violence”?
January 9th, 2009 at 6:23 pmESTYeah, Jimmy, I knew that.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:24 pmESTThe point remains, the question leaves plenty of Clintonian wiggle room.
I agree that the cat is probably well able to avoid Maggie when she makes her maddened lead for the top of the fence, but it wouldn’t hurt to let the neighbor know that her cat is taunting your dog. My cats don’t go outside unless I’m outside too, so I’d know if they were teasing the neighbor dog (”I’m on the other side of the fence and you can’t get me, nyahhh.”) It’s an asshole cat sort of thing to do, alright.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:25 pmESTAs long as they don’t interview your neighbors, or the dogs, you’re probably in the clear. You just have to finish each explanatory sentence with a question … adding, “but that doesn’t make me a bad person does it?” Although I must say I prefer “Do you have it on video? and if no, then IT NEVER HAPPENED.”
These types of qustionairres are idiot tests. In my youth, I admitted to certain ‘experimentation with marijuana’ on an FBI application. I was dismissed for being some sort of junkie. I knew a guy with top secret clearance who was obviously homosexual, and using steroids (an illicit substance). I asked … how the F did you get thru this? and he gave me the silly obvious answer … “I lied”.
You’ll find the same types of questions on applications for federal firearms permits … uh, no sir, I do not belong to any subversive organizations, I have never plotted to overthrow my government, etc.
It’s totally asinine, trumped by the people who take this seriously as some filter for blocking bad people from entering the country.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:33 pmESTSchrodinger, is your “Clintonian wiggle room” a little like Brownian motion? (You are constrained to answer: “It depends on what the meaning is ‘is’ is.”)
January 9th, 2009 at 6:34 pmESTThat makes me think of one of my favorite West Wing exchanges:
Sam Seaborn: Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?
January 9th, 2009 at 6:35 pmESTCharlie Young: No sir.
Sam Seaborn: What the hell’s been stopping you?
Define “good.”
January 9th, 2009 at 6:36 pmEST…
OK. Now define “character.”
Well, I’ve got to say the one thing I DO like about their form is the requirement that it be FILLED OUT IN ENGLISH. No pansy-assed double language crap for those Brits. They may be caving in other areas, but darn it, you have to write in the mother tongue on their forms. Bravo.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:36 pmESTJimmy: Yes.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:40 pmESTDid anybody see that new show Homeland Security USA? Customs at LAX asked a woman who was trying to enter on a touist visa if she intended to work while here, and she said yes. She brought all her belly dancing clothes and planned to work at resaurants. They said they were going to send her back and she’s all “I don’t accept that” and “then you have to reimburse me for my ticket! It cost one thousand francs.” Heh.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:13 pmESTHave you ever been involved in, supported, or encouraged terrorist activities in any country? Have you, ever been a member of, or given support to an organiSation that has been concerned in terrorism?
Okay Sorry but isn’t it organiZation with a Z?
Am I the only one who noticed this?
January 9th, 2009 at 7:23 pmESTJamie:
The form is in British English.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:29 pmESTRegarding the cat: If the cat dies, Darwin wins; if the cat survives, Darwin still wins; if the cat manages to leap onto Maggie’s back and go for a ride, you will collapse in hysterics. All in all, it’s a win, win, win situation.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:30 pmESTI can’t wait for the next installment. And why share the fun with the neighbor, I’m sure she wouldn’t enjoy it.
Ah I see.;) Thanks much for the clarification.
January 9th, 2009 at 8:50 pmESTIt’s a well-known fact that international criminals and terrorists always tell the truth, so I applaud all these hard working pen-pushers for keeping us all safe from harm.
Not looking forward to all the hoops that I’ll have to jump through to go the other way and to move to the US, though.
I know that the US can’t let in just anyone, but come on - I already speak the language (well, almost!), I have a degree and I’m training to be a computer engineer (a marketable skill), and I’m extremely unlikely to be a terrorist (because I’ve never changed my name to something like Mohammed Islam and spent six months in Pakistan).
Can’t I just bypass the whole damn process and become American tomorrow? Anyone here have any *ahem* friends in high places?
January 9th, 2009 at 8:51 pmESTLike you, if I answered the form honestly, they wouldn’t clear me. LOL About Margaret and pending death of the cat: she just thinks the cat is a really pretty possum.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:17 pmESTSounds like that Korean war vet may have engaged in some activities that would make him a person bad character!
January 9th, 2009 at 9:27 pmESTRachel, shouldn’t this post have “Britain Surrenders”, “Idiocracy” tags as well?
January 9th, 2009 at 9:44 pmESTAbout the neighbor’s cat. It probably has feline AIDS and is attempting to find another way of death rather than suicide. If a cat can frame any dog for a ‘crime’ it will. As you know, “Cats are assholes.”
January 9th, 2009 at 9:55 pmESTWe had to do that with some college stuff for our daughter recently. Fill it out online, then print it out and mail it in.
I’m like, WTF? Why?
January 9th, 2009 at 11:05 pmESTWell, my great-grandfather was a former Governor and Senator. Afraid that’s not very useful, though, what with his being dead and all (and ummm, given his having been a Senator, the odds of his being in a “high place” now are a little iffy!).
If they’d let us put it to a vote, I’m sure you’d be off that island and over here in a flash — too bad it doesn’t work that way!
January 9th, 2009 at 11:17 pmESTI’ve had the same situation with forms for a bank, insurance, papers to sign for Mr. Hill’s “Home Office” — seems not everyone accepts electronic signatures! (yet.)
January 9th, 2009 at 11:19 pmESTIf you answer deceptively and they “catch” you, they can easily throw you out of the country or prosecute you. That is what the silly questions are all about.
Now, for Maggie. Dear Maggie. A cat is not an opossum. Be careful! A pissed off pussycat who has dog slobber all over him/her can cop a very nasty attitude and flip out two sets of 4 stilettos, as well as teeth. Play nice! Kitty is just “investigating.” Or just using the fence as a cross-yard freeway to another spot it wants to go.
January 10th, 2009 at 1:49 amESTReminds me of the Blackadder episode where he’s looking for spies in the military hospital and Baldric suggests he ask everybody “Are you a German Spy?”
Blackadder points out, “Sadly, the German Army has not added to its entrance requirements ‘must have intellectual capacity of a boiled potato’.”
January 10th, 2009 at 2:17 amESTThanks, Mrs Hill!
With Obama being in charge soon, do you think I’d have a better chance of being fast tracked through the system if I used a lot of fake tan and called myself something like ‘Pedro Manuel Gonzales’?
January 10th, 2009 at 2:38 amESTYou must understand that now, should you be so crass as to end a sentence with a preposition, you’re liable for having made a false official statement, and will likely get kicked right out.
January 10th, 2009 at 4:58 amESTHi Rachel.
I just scored some beer.
January 10th, 2009 at 5:54 amESTI wonder how many have been refused entry for having Asperger’s Syndrome?
The bureaucratic response would be (at best) that the applicant is deliberately wasting their time.
January 10th, 2009 at 7:12 amEST> “All questions must be answered in English;”
> So English
checktick marks — okay, I guess there is a difference!Actually, they’re “radio buttons“, but you beat me to it. I noticed that geniusery right away.
January 10th, 2009 at 9:53 amESTI’m reminded of the old joke about the man who has just landed in Sydney, Australia, and has to pass through immigration. The immigration officer asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?” The man responds, “I didn’t know that that was still a requirement here.”
January 10th, 2009 at 10:32 amESTBritish-English, comma-clueless people, whatever. The phrase “IN terrorism,” as used here, still sounds stupid:
Have you, ever been, IN or present during, or received credit, for, attending, a class OF English grammar, and, punctuation? You dolts?, who write, these, forms.?
January 10th, 2009 at 10:34 amESTAs Brian notes above, it’s not a stupid form. It’s a form intended to make it easier for kicking out undesirables later, and to make it easier to prosecute them.
Say an al Qaeda member comes into the country, lying on the form. Then he helps plan some terrorist act. He’s caught, but there’s no bomb-making equipment, no bombing ever takes place, etc. It can be tough to prosecute him for the actual bomb planning; like we’ve seen others caught like that do, his lawyer will claim that he was just exercising First Amendment rights to read the Anarchist Cookbook, and he never intended to bomb anybody.
So instead, you prosecute him for perjury for lying on the immigration form. Much, much simpler.
January 10th, 2009 at 10:37 amESTAs others have mentioned, the main function of those ostensibly stupid questions is to make it easier to deal with miscreants who lie on the form.
But some people do answer “yes” to those questions. At least when trying to enter the U.S. When my husband applied for permanent resident status, he was asked the same questions shown above. I laughed heartily at them, and asked the immigration officer if anyone ever answers “yes,” and he said they do. He said that some people honestly don’t realize that answering in the affirmative to those things disqualifies them from entry. So the secondary function of the questions is to weed out the stupidest criminals — probably the ones most likely to be convinced to ’splode themselves.
January 10th, 2009 at 12:46 pmESTI wouldn’t be quite so confident about the cat’s chances. My folks’ dog has killed two. Cats aren’t the best judges of dog reflexes and speed. They’re also dumb enough to get inside the dog’s yard.
January 10th, 2009 at 1:21 pmEST“I had to change the subject when he started talking about “Asian girls” and being “quite the randy boy if you know what I mean.” Criminy dude. Some decorum please.”
well,as a crusty old sergeant meself,I can understand his pride……….
January 10th, 2009 at 1:24 pmESTSilicon Valley Jim _ That’s sort of like the story about the older American man visiting France. When he got to the passport desk after a long wait in line, he remarked to the French beaurocrat behind the desk that, “The last time I came to France, I didn’t even have to have a passport.” “And when might that have been?” sneered the Frenchman.
January 10th, 2009 at 5:13 pmEST“June 6, 1944,” replied the American.
Heh. Actually that looks very similar to the questions they ask to let you emigrate here.
I believe they use the words “crimes of moral turpitude” in the US visa application though.
But they’re actually the country that English is named after. Don’t they get to decide what is the correct form of the language?
American English has some downright strange things in it too. Such as use of the term “write me” or “write me back”. Its never made sense to me and has always looked like either really strange grammar, or a cultural bias against extravagant use of the word to - I’d always thought it was: write to me, or write back to me.
Just one of those things that has always baffled me, lol.
January 10th, 2009 at 5:26 pmESTHow about telling the neighbor lady to keep her damn cat indoors instead of letting the little bastard run around all over the neighborhood. If you have a cat and leave it outside then it’s not a pet…it’s a pest. I catch those cats and call animal control. I’m tired of them pissing on my patio furniture. I have a cat…AND IT LIVES INSIDE. I take care of it, although he is an asshole.
January 10th, 2009 at 5:28 pmESTI demand a change in the masthead upon arrival in England. Something with the words Blimey or Bloody of course.
Perhaps “Blimey! It’s bloody cold on this bus!”
January 10th, 2009 at 5:33 pmESTHee, just back to my computer after my holiday and the first thing I do? Go and look for wedding photos.
I.AM.SUCH.A.GIRL.
(They are very cool).
January 10th, 2009 at 5:40 pmESTMrs. Redstate and I were coming into England from France to visit the old (now closed) sub base in Scotland where we lived in the late 70’s (dad was stationed there). I couldn’t help myself, and when the customs official at Heathrow (or Gatwick - not sure)asked about the purpose of our visit I calmly answered “Oh we’re here to rape and pillage”…
January 10th, 2009 at 6:35 pmESTMrs. Redstate almost died… The customs official thought it was funny - fortunately…
It reminds me of the “online ethics test” my parents had to take in order to start their last year (before they retired) of college teaching. (The ethics test was a new requirement supposedly for all employees in the state they live in*).
My question to them was: couldn’t the unethical people figure out the “right” responses, and then lie? Because they’re, like, unethical?
My dad just kind of rolled his eyes and shook his head.
(*The state, BTW? Illinois. The irony of that now - that state employees have to take an ETHICS test is so awesome that it almost makes my head explode. I’m assuming Rob “Da Hair” Blagojevich either didn’t have to take it, or else he was one of those people I alluded to above who cheated all through it.)
January 10th, 2009 at 7:10 pmESTMy trip to the Social Security office a few months ago was nice. It only took about fifteen minutes. Maybe because I live a lot further from the Mexican border from you? Hmm. Right now is the best season to get a new passport. I got my new one two months ago and even paid extra for it to be rushed. From the day I mailed it in to the day I got the new one back it was exactly one week. I still haven’t even come close to figuring out my Canada immigration stuff. I still have to go to the doctor so they can check to make sure I’m not dying or something. I don’t really know why. Maybe they want to make sure I don’t have the ebola virus? Who knows. I keep procrastinating because my move date keeps getting pushed back (yay military).
And I can’t tell you how tempting it is to check “yes” on answers that I really really shouldn’t. Like committing genocide.
Also, I’m really sad about how complicated it will be to take my guns there. Boooo!
January 10th, 2009 at 7:52 pmEST(But I’m more sad for you that you can’t even take your guns AT ALL. That’s terrible.
January 10th, 2009 at 7:53 pmEST) (Sorry, I had to close the parenthesis, I’d feel incomplete if I didn’t.)
January 10th, 2009 at 7:53 pmESTLast time I was at the gun shop I asked about the questions. It seems some people DO mark ‘YES’ for illegal drug use…
I guess the big plan is to catch the really really stupid people. Your tax dollars at work! yay.
January 10th, 2009 at 9:34 pmESTAffectionately known as, “The Ben Affleck Question.”
January 11th, 2009 at 7:17 amESTI believe Bria is correct. They can boot you for lying on an application. Fun, eh?
January 11th, 2009 at 10:20 amESTOh, cool — I honestly didn’t know what that object was called (I’m an HTML noob!). It still looks like the Brits “tick” them while we “check” them, though. I’m assuming Rupert was aware — and properly ticked!
(Actually, “ticked off” in British English means ’scolded’ or ‘chastised’!)
January 11th, 2009 at 10:26 amESTBill (Mamba 1-0) -
Good one! I’d never hear that one before. I like it a lot, perhaps because that was how my father entered France.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:19 amESTI know a guy in Denver… is that high enough?
January 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pmESTMy understanding, having answered similar questions on Commonwealth immigration forms, is that there are legal reasons behind them. Temporary residency is the first step in becoming a citizen. If you go through the whole citizenship process and then, after gaining the full rights and protections thereof, it turns out that you are, indeed, a terrorist… then there is nothing the government can do about it because you have the full protection of citizenship behind you. However, if it turns out that you perjured yourself on the application, then it is easier for the government to strip you of citizenship protection and ship you off to Gitmo. It’s one of those naggy little things of protecting the populace in a society that respects the individual.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:50 pmESTIt depends, I suppose, upon the meaning of “Character.”
January 12th, 2009 at 5:27 amESTI almost forgot to mention that we in the USA have this same form posted upon every cactus needle on our southern border, insuring that only illegal immigrants of good character come into the country.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:31 amESTI recently bought a house in Houston. One of the questions on the seller’s disclosure was: ‘Previous use of premises for manufacture of methamphetamine’ Y/N. Not as good as genocide, but still kind of funny.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:59 amESTBill & S.V. Jim: Another story:
January 12th, 2009 at 11:47 amESTScene: American pilot trying to find his way around Templehof Airport. Ground Controller sneers “Haf you nefer been to Berlin before this?” American pilot says “Than was a long time ago, and I didn’t stop. I was just here to DROP SOMETHING OFF!”
I dunno, snowdog, I’d seriously think twice (and then probably decide not to buy) if the house I was considering had been a meth lab. So I guess I’m saying I’d want to know.
And not just for issues of finding toxic waste in the shower drain; I’d hate to think some of the former “customers” maybe didn’t get word that the lab had moved, and being awakened by methheads coming down off a high (and needing more) banging on my door at midnight or something.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:05 pmESTSomething else to look forward to in merryy old England, .
January 12th, 2009 at 12:16 pmEST