Hillbilly Travelogue: Vienna.
Is that wrong? Should I not top a post about one of the finest cities on earth, a city with a wealth of beauty and heartbreakingly lovely statuary, with that particular photo? I’ll probably get hate mail for it, but the good news is I never check my email anymore.
The clown actually is in Vienna, believe me, it’s a city like every other, replete with its own trashy parts, such as tacky amusement parks with giant clown heads looming over ride entrances. I can’t believe anyone is able to coax children into that ride. I had to fight a strong urge to scream and run away the minute I saw this thing, and I’m not even normally afraid of clowns. Except the ones who eat your face off while you sleep, which is ALL OF THEM.
So. After a few days in Prague, Rupert and I took the train to Vienna, which in case you are a hickbilly hickstain, is in Austria, which spawned both Adolf Hitler and Arnold Schwarzenegger, plus of course Wolfgang Mozart, so I guess they have that going for them.
The train ride was 5 hours long, and I loved every minute. Number one, as I learned later on in our vacation, it was an actual comfortable modern train as opposed to a horrifying Soviet-era train of hell as we experienced later in Poland, and number two, the countryside was delicious. I couldn’t get any good photos because of the speed and the smudgy window, but here’s one I did get, and I don’t know about you but I never pictured the Czech Republic with vast fields of sunflowers.
So we arrived in Vienna at the Sudbahnhof train station, and soon realized that of all the European countries we’ve been to so far, this one was going to have the fewest signs in English. You do get spoiled on that. I will write a whole post about the language thing later. For now, here’s the first picture I took in Vienna and it’s the one a classier blogger would have topped this post with, the (St. Stephen’s Cathedral):
It is lovely, but the main tower (to the right of this photo) was covered in scaffolding so we didn’t get to see it in all its glory. We did go inside, and it’s pretty, but we’d just come off the high of the St. Vitus Cathedral in Prague, which frankly was better than St. Stephen’s. Much more colored stained glass, for example. It’s strange that I’m developing a penchant for cathedrals, being as I am not a Christian, but I can’t help it; they’re just so purty. I especially love the French Gothic style, and I can’t even believe I know what that is.
But you can see it too, right? All the tiny details, the pointy spires with texture upon texture leading up to the tip, the outrageous 3D quality of all of it?
We had dinner the first night on the Graben, which is a long, wide pedestrian avenue full of shops and restaurants. And here is where I must be honest even if it makes some Wien-lovers hate me: I really was not impressed. In fact I really didn’t like most of Vienna at all. I’m not even sure why, but Rupert felt the same.
There’s something a little cold and distant about Vienna. The weather was hot, balmy, and half-rain/half-sunshine, but the city still felt cold to us. It may have been that we just came from Prague, which has an entirely different quality, one of warmth and charm.
But in Vienna - for example on the Graben, which I’d heard was just the very best most awesome thing - I didn’t get even one little frisson of warmth or charm. The shops along that avenue are mostly stark modern mainstream chains. It’s all very commercial-feeling.
We may have liked it better if I could’ve found the cheesedog stand that Kim DuToit told me about but sadly, I could not. And oh how I wanted a cheesedog! We had to settle for another sausage stand, which was good, but no cheese was involved. Just fabulous mustard, which frankly is a competitor with cheese in my book.
Anyway, I obviously can’t claim that Vienna does not have beauty in abundance, because it does. It’s just not the same kind of joyful, colorful beauty I’ve felt in every other European city I’ve been in. Amsterdam and Florence have it; London, Lisbon, and Rome have it (a little, not much but a little); and Prague, Krakow, and Warsaw definitely have it in spades. Vienna’s beauty is just more…formal, or something. I dunno.
But trust me, I did find plenty of things to smile at. I loved how street after street, endlessly, every building was adorned with some sort of prettiness. My favorite thing was this, marred as it was by the street sign and all the people:
Love the creamy color of her against the gray building.
And of course, my God, the . After food, we wandered over there with about an hour of daylight left, and it was one of those sunsets that puts the light on buildings in ways that make you cry. I was too busy gazing up at gorgeous walls bathed in golden light to take too many pictures, but I did love this fountain that was in front of the (say that three times fast without being X-rated).
The next day, it poured rain so we spent several hours inside the museum opposite that, the , which reminded me how long it’s been since I was in such a place. Oh, the marvels!
Thousands of precious stones and minerals, little fist-sized chunks of pure pulsating blue or red or green, that came from deep in the earth somewhere. An entire room full of meteorite chunks, some of which, after polishing, are more perfectly shiny and reflective than the mirrors in your house. Room after room (and these are rooms with 15-foot-high ceilings and walls decorated with classical art - it’s insanely appealing) full of fossils of intricate tiny creatures that lived in the sea millions of years ago, next to rooms with the skeletons of dinosaurs whose shoulder blades are as big as your sofa.
Am I the only one who is more likely to feel religion in that kind of place than in the most beautiful church? How can a person be faced with such wild, painfully beautiful diversity of life and matter, and not have a serious gut-check? I don’t feel that in churches or cathedrals; they’re just creations of man. I do feel it when wandering through rooms filled with a million different variations on a theme, all with eyes and spines and limbs and mouths.
Speaking of churches, there’s one in Vienna I just had to see because it with the fake name of my husband.
It was closed to visitors that day, but I didn’t even care because the outside of it was straight out of my imagination of what a perfect little church should look like. I have a profound love of green ivy growing all over buildings.
I genuinely wanted to fling myself up against the wall and to hang in the ivy, in a sort of crazed rapturous hug. Don’t judge me.
Also I like little statues of saints tucked away in places you might miss them if you don’t look, hidden in the luscious shade, and it doesn’t hurt when the statue is of someone named Rupert because that is just cool. And yes I looked it up, Rupert is the English version of Ruprecht.
Oh, and back to the Hofburg. I forgot to mention that the first night we were there, looking around, there was a big gathering of peacefully-but-noisily protesting people within the complex, at the giant statue of the Kaiser on a horse.
Now, I realize it’s been essentially scrubbed from all Western news outlets - and in fact I think we’re supposed to be pretending it never happened, right? - but if the mindscrapers of Big Brother haven’t gotten to you yet, remember, there was an “election” in Iran a few weeks ago, and it was not precisely “fair”, and shockingly enough, some people are still angry about it. At least about a hundred Iranians in Vienna are, anyway.
They had posters of , and they were playing songs interspersed with impassioned speeches. It was all very calm, but excited too, and I just really felt bad about all of it. All I could think was, you are fighting a good and important fight, but the Western world is too busy crying over Michael fuckin’ Jackson to give a crap about your struggle anymore. Sorry.
All the signs were of course either in Arabic or German, but it wasn’t difficult to understand. This was laying in the park a short distance away:
And don’t think for a MINUTE that it’s just America who has blown it off in favor of some good old-fashioned pop-star corpse-humping. Seriously, I noticed the front pages of the papers every day while we were over there in Central and Eastern Europe, and at least half the time, the big picture on the front of every Czech, Austrian, and Polish paper was of Michael Jackson.
It was very, very creepy and surreal to be walking into a pub in Austria and see on the wall-mounted TVs nothing but footage of the sports-stadium of a mentally deranged former pop singer in America. People were quietly watching the TVs as though this were actually something Important and Serious, and not a ratings grabber much like the Super Bowl. Rupert grimaced, and I truly had to stifle a loud guffaw. I just couldn’t believe it.
So! Do you want to see how your beloved homeland is portrayed at Vienna’s landmark amusement park, home of the deadly clown head at the top of the post?
On our last day in Vienna, it was hot again and we were feeling fat because of all the schnitzel and sausages and beers we’d been eating, so we decided to walk all the way to the Danube, which is not very close to the city center at all. On the way, we went through the park so we could see the famous Reisengrad ferris wheel and various other crap, one feature being a bumper car ride with an “American” theme, and just holy shit people. There is nothing you can do but laugh and then cry, but then laugh some more because seriously, how fuckin stupid is this?
YEEEEE-HAW, derka derrr! God, it’s so stupid.
We did see some of the Mozart stuff - I had a little pamphlet tracing his “steps”, as in, where he lived and played, etc. We saw the building where he rented a room and met his wife, for example, and of course he played at the Hofburg for Empress Maria Theresa.
We also spent a good part of the rainy time in the museums of the Hofburg such as the Sisi Museum (for Empress Elisabeth) and the , which was interesting for a while until you realize that the next 20 rooms are just like the last 20, which is to say, ornately decorated in red and gold, and the people who lived here were miserable. It did get tedious.
did have some fancy purty dresses, though. And I learned from my AudioGuide earphones that it took an entire day to wash her hair, which they did with raw eggs and cognac. I bet that smelled good.
There will be forthcoming posts about all of the cities we visited combined, such as the food, the money, the people, and the language, not to mention the dogs!, but that’s about it for Vienna specifically. It was pretty, but strangely cold-hearted, at least to Rupert and me. We think that probably Vienna would be heaven for more artistic-minded people, those who are really into classical music or fine art, which we really just aren’t. We’re more the science types, more interested in engineering feats, and especially military history. Vienna just wasn’t really our kind of place, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be heaven for a lot of other people.
We must have at least one International Dog pic on this post, so here is Vienna Dog #1. I like him because he is tiny and determined. Some of you pervs may like him because he is being walked by a German-speaking girl in a short dress and heels, who may or may not be suggestively/lesbianically taking the arm of her female companion.
You know you’ve been reading this blog too long when you don’t even blink at sentences like this anymore.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:12 pmESTWelcome back, Rachel. You were sorely missed.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:14 pmESTOh, and thanks for the pic of the nice gams.
And, um, the other ones, too.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:15 pmEST*snorfle*
July 15th, 2009 at 4:57 pmESTRachel, I was in Vienna just 18 months ago, and I think you have sort of put your finger on my sense of the city. Good food, lots to see, wonderful music all around, but somehow cold.
Your comment about the endless rooms reminded me that I sucked my wife into going through a Viennese museum in a corner of the Hofburg devoted to armor and weaponry, and it was wonderful. At first. After a while it got to be that we’d enter another room and my first thought was “oh sh*t, some more suits of armor.”
Hope you got to the State Opera (Staatsoper) or at least the lighter Volksoper, and that you had a chance to hear some Mozart or Strauss waltzes (father or son, it doesn’t matter). It ain’t Ol’ Possum singing “He Stopped Loving Her Today,” but it’ll do.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:20 pmESTFuck all those hate-mailing weenies. We don’t care. Get it? We. Don’t. Care.
I like the dog, too.
I’ve never been to Vienna, or anywhere, really, but I have neighbors who like sit outside in their sleepwear so I really save a lot on travel.
When the fuck did Michael Jackson die?
July 15th, 2009 at 5:32 pmESTToo bad you couldn’t find Kim’s cheesedogs. I’m sure you would have loved them, and then you might have felt a bit warmer toward Vienna. You showed us some truly lovely pictures, and I’m glad you were there to take them.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:49 pmESTLesbianically!
LOLd, I sure did.
Glad you’re back.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:09 pmESTCan’t travel.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:10 pmESTClown will eat me.
Can’t travel.
Clown will eat me.
Unholy Sisters of Lesbos! That GRIMAS fun ride is just IT! The Hollyweed sign with a biker and a babelicious in a bikini on the back and the Confederate flag! No shyness here! Welcome to America, 50 years ago as depicted in Austria! Yeeee-HAWWWWW!!!!!!
July 15th, 2009 at 6:32 pmESTIf I ever go to Vienna, I hope I remember to pack some hideous hillbilly clothing and chaw for when I ride that Grimas ride. I will make their day.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:36 pmESTInteresting, funny and educational too. Rachel, your blog has it all. How could they build those wonderful cathedrals without Power Point presentations and Microsoft Project Plans? Let’s see. . . .well we couldn’t get the project completed with the funds, time and resources allocated, so we recommend a Phase 2 for the project to be started, oh, in the next century or so. The imagination, skill, and physical strength that went into even the smallest section. I’ve seen entire towns with fewer details and quality of workmanship in evidence. My husbands ancestry is Czech, now that you’ve inspired me with your pictures and commentary, I’m ready for a vacation myself.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:07 pmESTYour first pic reminded me of Killer Klowns from Outer Space!
Beware the popcorn!
July 15th, 2009 at 8:13 pmESTHow DARE you imply that the clown in the White House is a cannibal?! You RACIST!
Pity. I was so looking forward to your trying to gain free admission by “explaining” this to the locals.
Poor Mr NHRN. Did he have any idea when he married you?
“Him?” Him who? There was something other than the Sapphic Strollers in the picture?
dogette: “When the fuck did Michael Jackson die?” Late nineties, best as I can tell.
Big Mike: And it doesn’t even come close to comparing to Stephen stinking Foster.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:44 pmESTMy Czech ancestors found the Austrians cold indeed when they were conquered by them, so they fled to America. There they made cheese and beer, and there was much rejoicing.
Did Michael Jackson really die, or did his robotic batteries just give out?
July 15th, 2009 at 8:46 pmESTI suggest visiting the Naschmarkt for a mid-morning snack. The Viennese eat all day, thus the wurst stands everywhere. My fav is “fork breakfast” the Brits call it “elevenses”. No pastries or donuts here, it has to be something substantial enough for a fork to stand up in it…a bowl of Hasenpfeffer with boiled potatoes is my usual choice.
Wien does have some of the tackiest tourist shit on the face of the earth, unfortunately much of Wien is hidden from view, like Turin, visitors only catch an occasional glimpse and like the French the Austrians have weird taste in entertainment.
Btw- Did you have a chocolate fix at ? My mouth waters at the thought.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:03 pmESTEvery time you write St. Vitus, I think of .
July 15th, 2009 at 9:08 pmESTHoneydew:
Racists are a minority, too.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:39 pmESTThe first thing this perv thought was that if you’re going to walk around in heels on uneven surfaces you’d better hang on to something (or someone) or have a cane handy.
I won’t mention the second thing I thought of.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:42 pmESTWait… Michael Jackson died?
July 15th, 2009 at 9:46 pmESTGod, I hate clowns… almost sprained my fingers, trying to scroll down that hellish photo to get to your most excellent travelogue…
July 15th, 2009 at 9:48 pmESTPity you missed their military history museum. When/if I ever get to Vienna, that’s one place I definitely want to hit; I’ve gotten interested in the old Austro-Hungarian Army, particularly in World War One, ever since reading John Biggins’ excellent, hilarious novels about the A-H Navy, A Sailor of Austria, The Emperor’s Coloured Coat, The Two-Headed Eagle, and Tomorrow the World.
Didja know that the Austro-Hungarians were on the World War One Western Front? Mostly siege artillery, but they were there. And I think that Americans fought them in Italy, and they were definitely in the fighting against Lawrence and Allenby in the Middle East.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:57 pmESTMonkeyhumper: “Racists are a minority, too.”
Oh dear. I’d better help you out before you get sent to the re-education camps. All Caucasians are beneficiaries of white privilege and are ipso facto racists. (And we must eliminate racism.)
(Anyone care to join me in lobbying to have a monkey-humper appointed to the Supreme Court?)
July 15th, 2009 at 10:14 pmESTCan I vote for more small dogs being walked by women couples of questionable sexual orientation, or does it make me a bad man for asking? Because I don’t wanna be right if that’s the case.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:18 pmESTAm I the only one who is more likely to feel religion in that kind of place than in the most beautiful church?
No, you’re not.
“There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed by the Creator into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being evolved.” — Charles Darwin
I fully agree.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:26 pmESTBe careful — that stuff’ll lead you to Rouen!
July 15th, 2009 at 10:43 pmESTIt’s like American Gothic, but instead of being American, it’s French. Seems pretty easy to me.
I’ll bet that the intelligent people of this comments section will have no trouble explaining what a semi-synchronous bus is.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:09 pmESTAmen, Rachel.
That picture should be sent to all architects, especially those who have been commissioned a church.
Alternatively, somebody could point me toward the first sadistic b. who decided windows were unnecessary, so I can strangle him/her.
Seriously. My cousin shared his Confirmation day with other 89 children. Extimating about 10 people per child, add a freakin’ windowless church and we’ll have a very, very unpleasant situation.
BJM, I live in Turin - I don’t understand what you mean with “hidden from view”.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:41 amESTThat girl has nice legs.
July 16th, 2009 at 4:05 amESTI’m shocked. Shocked, I say! Here you have this big-assed post about Vienna, and you talk about sausages there, but do you even bother to call them “Vienna sausages?” Nooooo. You can’t be bothered. Or maybe the cheap joke is beneath you these days, now that you’re the big citified lady living in England.
I think you’re getting just a leettle too big for your britches there, gurlie. Us hickstains ain’t gonna put up with that backstabbin. You better git yore haid right.
July 16th, 2009 at 6:59 amESTVienna was the Capital of the Holy Roman Empire for centuries. Those guys were serious about their religion: folks going around dressed all in black, witch hunts, inquisitions and such. This may explain the staidness you felt in the architecture there.
Or not. Guessing.
July 16th, 2009 at 7:37 amESTNot a single John Wayne cowboy riding a horse at that amusement park? No Marilyn with her white dress, no Apollo spacecraft blasting towards the moon?
Just a bikini clad girl on the back of a motorcycle, with a Confederate flag, and a monster truck. I know who painted that picture: The former producers of the Dukes of Hazzard.
I would spit my chaw in their direction, if I could figger out directions.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:31 amESTOh, almost forgot to ask!
You mentioned not knowing any Polish — such a shame! — but did you get a chance to pick up a little Austrian whilst in Wien? [Note my clever use of the local lingo there -- I'm so multicultural.]
“Intelligent people” — who needs them? Any Hickbilly can tell you that: it’s a bus that’s punctual half the time (which is most of them, so really not all that special — so hah!).
July 16th, 2009 at 8:34 amESTI don’t think we can point too many fingers at Vienna or anyone else for their weird, trashy interpretations of American culture and landmarks, because, y’know…Vegas.
July 16th, 2009 at 9:22 amESTIndeed. My mom broke her arm in Vienna after falling due to the uneven surfaces there. And she wasn’t even wearing heels. Cut her trip short by about 5 days as a result.
Loved your commentary and pics, Rachel!
July 16th, 2009 at 9:37 amESTLOL @ Mrs. Hill.
July 16th, 2009 at 10:28 amESTWhat dog?
Nice to see you back.
July 16th, 2009 at 10:38 amESTRachel: I just got a Kindle from my hubby. Have you ever thought about putting you blog up on Kindle? Sorry to post it here, but since you never read your email…
July 16th, 2009 at 11:57 amESTOh-h-h-h, that was a DOG pic! I liked it for all the guy reasons you mentioned.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:58 pmESTBTW, Rachel, did you hear they swore in a clown to the Senate a few days ago? I heard he was making jokes during Sotomayor’s confirmation hearing. Guess we shouldn’t take those things too seriously anymore.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:05 pmESTMichael Jackson died. Al Franken is in the US Senate. They’re going to tax everyone’s electric bill - to stop global warming. And they’re going to give everyone medical care by raising taxes on rich folks by 5%…only thing is that only raises about 1/50th the amount of money required.
No, really. I’m not kidding.
I smugly said you’d be having hell with the weather and food when you went to England. Now you are living in places so cool they don’t even have AC and/or fans and wandering all over Europe eating sausages and drinking beer.
Meanwhile, we’re having the hottest, dryest summer in my memory down here near NASA where I live.
And I had bypass surgery, meaning they basically sawed my body in half, pried it open, “harvested” “extra” veins from my leg and chest and grafted them on my heart, then stuffed everything back in and wired me back together, leaving some tubes and wires hanging out just in case. Then they sent me home.
Now I’m doing cardio rehab and it is so suffocatingly hot here that walking the at 4:30am I have sweat pouring off me, dripping into my glasses as I walk. BEASTLY weather we’re having.
I should have known this would happen. Whenever I get to thinking someone else is getting in trouble its usually my own behind that’s headed for the bear-trap.
I’ve lost 20 pounds and 4″ off my waist. It would have been worse if it weren’t for (and I feel guilty for mentioning this, but….) Taco Bell.
Madness. Its all madness.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:44 pmESTI’ve been to Vienna. Heh. I rode a cab from the airport to one of the more obscure train stations, and took the train from there south to Graz. On that particular day it really was chilly, with spitting rain. It did not inspire me to go back.
Graz, on the other hand, was highly enjoyable. No, I didn’t meet anyone who might be related to Ahnuld.
Difficulty reading the signs? German is the raw material from which English was made, and if you can get over their tendency to runthewordstogetherintosomethingstupidlong and have a little knowledge of archaisms, reading signs isn’t too tough. You do have to learn a few things, like if you see a “b” after a vowel you should mentally substitute a “v” — “grab” is “ditch, excavation, or grave”, for instance.
*sigh* I can’t afford to travel any more. I envy you. You don’t, by any chance, need someone to carry your luggage?
Regards,
July 16th, 2009 at 5:53 pmESTRic
Much more likely that Iranian expats would write signs in Persian (Farsi) than in Arabic, actually.
But to us hillbillies, one squiggly language looks pretty much like another. German, on the other hand, is a kissin’ cousin of English, which to us hillbillies means they might as well git hitched. With the orthographic reform to replace “ß” with “ss”, the only remaining special letters in German will be the umlauted vowels (like in “für” on that sign).
July 16th, 2009 at 11:32 pmESTWolfwalker,
The quote you mentioned by Darwin is inscribed in the lobby at the National Academy of Science building in DC. I always thought it interesting that he included the Creator in there - apparently he didn’t have the issues problem with Creationism that his devotees have.
Mrs. Hill,
LOL, I sure did. “that stuff’ll lead you to Rouen.” Brilliant.
Rachel,
Another awesome post. Thanks for sharing. I had the same impression of Vienna being cold and formal. It was fun to cross against the light and watch the locals have mini-strokes. They just won’t cross against a red light even at 3 a.m.
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on Poland. I hope that you had the opportunity to stay at Hotel Copernicus or at least swing by. There was almost too much for me to see in Kracow. Warsaw was nice, but like others have said, it is a reconstruction of what it was before WWII. We took a train between the two cities, so I am looking forward to your thoughts about the soviet era trains.
Your pictures (and descriptions of pics, obviously) are awesome, you have a flair. I still don’t see the dog you are talking about in the last photo. It must be really tiny
July 17th, 2009 at 10:25 amESTThe Monster Says:
I dunno, they were holding signs written in English during protests in Iran, for the TV Cameras, I would expect them to write their protest signs to be written in whatever was the local language if they didn’t expect International coverage.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:45 amESTIs that Tina Turner next to the San Francisco skyline?
July 17th, 2009 at 3:27 pmESTOne reason Stephansdom might be less impressive than it ought is that it had the crap bombed out of it during WWII. American bombers sort of reduced it to a roofless shell. When they got around to rebuilding it in the ’50s, there wasn’t a lot of extra cash to splurge on stuff like stained glass.
Glad you got to the Natural History Museum, as it truly is one of the best ones in the world.
Sorry you didn’t like Vienna as a whole. Yes, there’s a certain amount of coolness there, but there’s also a lot of heat, if you look in the right places. The galleries that focus on the Secessionist art movement–guys like Klimt and Malva Schalek have a lot of emotional heat going on, of varying sorts.
And while street food in foreign cities is always worth writing about, that’s not really the food for which Vienna is famous. Some of the best meals I’ve eaten in my life were in Vienna, and not all fancy-pants like French cookery.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:30 pmESTT Rich: I’m having trouble finding the dog too.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:33 pmEST