Your mission is to locate a war criminal from the list above in a public place, detain them, handcuff them, phone the police, read the criminal their rights and the charges against them, ask them if they have anything to say in response, videotape the arrest and post it online. Your team should include one or more people who can produce an excellent video and be extremely fast in editing and posting it online. Your team should include people capable of physically detaining your war criminal. Your team should ideally include a lawyer. And, of course, people who can read the charges and question the suspect. Everyone on your team should be able to keep a secret while you’re planning your arrest.

I’m just wondering if they’ve really thought this through. You know, like if they have any fucking clue what kind of hell-hammer would come down on someone who walked up to the SECRETARY OF STATE and attempted to “detain” and “handcuff” her.

I’m no security expert but I’m pretty sure the Secret Service or whoever is in charge of protecting Condi Rice wouldn’t exactly stand by and thoughtfully consider the righteousness of the DU idiots’ cause. More likely, someone would end up bloodied and humbled, and it wouldn’t be Miss Condi.

So, yeah. I totally hope these fools follow through with their plan. Please please please God if you’re listening, let one of them take this idiotic idea seriously and try to handcuff Sec. of State Rice on the street. This I pray with all my heart because I just don’t know what could possibly make me happier than reading the news story afterward.

It’s just that I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I don’t mention this on my blog, so here. You know that psychotic Catholic priest, Pfleger? The one who completely lost his shit while mocking Hillary Clinton, during a guest sermon at Trinity Church (right before Obama disassociated himself from it)?

“I really believe that she just always thought ‘This is mine’ (laughter, hoots). ‘I’m Bill’s wife. I’m WHITE. And this is mine. And I jus’ gotta get up. And step into the plate. And then out of nowhere came, ‘Hey, I’m Barack Obama.’ And she said: ‘Oh, damn!’ WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?!?! (Crowd going nuts, Pfleger screaming). I’M WHITE! I’M ENTITLED! THERE’S A BLACK MAN STEALING MY SHOW. (SOBS!) SHE WASN’T THE ONLY ONE CRYING! THERE WAS A WHOLE LOTTA WHITE PEOPLE CRYING!”

Yeah, that charming fellow. Of course, the shit-flipping was posted on YouTube and the hammer came down hard on him, and he had to issue an “apology” the other day. In it, he describes his innermost angst:

“It is painful that as a result of this video over 3,000 email of hate, threats, and name calling, who go so far as to ask you to kill yourself or take your life, greet you in less than 24 hours, and you are bombarded by mean hateful and racial name calling, yes, it is very painful.”

Yes, very very painful. How painful?

“The last few days have been the most painful days of my life, even more so than the murder of Jarvis, my foster son.”

Wow. It’s not often someone gives you such a clear and easy peek into their rotten, rotten soul.

Anyway. The Catholic Church isn’t exactly known for dealing with rotten-souled priests in a timely and efficacious manner, but at least they’re taking some action on this guy:

CBS 2 News has learned that Francis Cardinal George is temporarily removing Father Michael Pfleger from his position as pastor of St. Sabina Roman Catholic Church on Chicago’s South Side.

Apparently it’s for the ENTITLED WHITEY! rant but dang, if that hadn’t done it, I would think his comment about the murder of his foster son being less painful than getting hate mail would at least make every decent Catholic shun him for life, driving him out of the church in shame. I know a few Catholics that are so embarrassed by this guy; he’s their own personal Al Sharpton.

P.S. I’m a few days behind on email and there are many I need to respond to. Please be patient with me, I’m being slowly and deliberately tortured by the people I work with. Death by typing, it’s a medical probability at this point.

Every! Single! Time! he links to me to give me one of those sweet, sweet Instalanches, he links to a post that I had no expectation of even getting many comments on, let alone major traffic to. Always to a post I knocked out in 5 or 10 minutes, a desperation post if you will, one of those that I toss out there because I’m in a hurry or am feeling like a retard and not very insightful. Every!!! Time!!!

I have grown accustomed to this phenomenon in the last few months and am used to the pain associated with thousands of new readers first-encountering me when I’m not at my best. It’s a character-builder, I say. Sometimes I even go so far as to convince myself that maybe this happens because to some people at least (including the overlords of all bloggery such as Reynolds), the less effort I put into it, the better, and that is liberating because I realize I don’t have to try so hard. Besides, it’s a fuckin’ Instalanche. It’s like winning the bloggers’ lottery. You can’t help but revel in it even when you’re embarrassed about how dumb you sound.

So anyway, it happened again today. He linked to a post I wrote in less than 10 minutes and that I felt compelled to point out in the post itself was poorly thought out. But in my role as my own personal worst enemy on the planet, I had to go and make it THAT MUCH MORE HORRIFYINGLY EMBARRASSING by having a math error right in the post (said July 2001 was three weeks before 9/11 instead of two months). Just sitting there like a retard bomb, waiting to detonate into the face of every new reader, convincing them of things like:

This blog is written by a stupid person.

I hate this stupid person and shall never return here again! Fie!

I know it’s true because I just got three emails in a row telling me I shouldn’t bother blogging if I’m not smart enough to get my facts straight. Also a couple of NICE ones from NICE people pointing out the error. Thank you, NICE people. It’s not that hard, is it? To just point out an error and not be a dick about it? You should teach manners classes to other blog readers and I’m not even kidding.

I know some people are reading this and saying, god what a dumbass bitch. She gets major linkage and responds by wanting to kick the professor’s ass. But see, I’m kidding. It’s this weird thing that people with a sense of humor do sometimes. The actual point of this post is to clarify once again that I AM NOT A SMART INDIVIDUAL. I know full well that anything I post here may be linked by the professor thus adding thousands of eyes to whatever I say, and therefore I really should look into proofreading before I publish.

Unless I enjoy looking like a moron. Which actually isn’t that bad since I kinda like being misunderestimated. Takes off the pressure.

Anyway I fixed the dumb mistake. And may I take a moment here to ask certain readers, emailers, and commenters to stop taking shit so seriously? Please couldya? You’re in the minority but damn you’re harshing my mellow.

If I wanted to have every single offhand comment I make about asshole politicians analyzed and parsed and evaluated for precise degree of over- or under-reaction or for just how far I did or did not take something out of context, I would become a professional journalist or I would work for a political campaign. Instead I put a picture of a dog in a bee suit and myself in a helmet up there, hoping against hope that that would be SOME SORT OF CLUE that I’m in fact just some doofus sitting in my pajamas on my back patio during breaks from work, posting stuff on the internet about news articles precisely 10 seconds after reading said articles. This blog isn’t meant to be read like the Wall Street Journal, for crissakes. Some of the feedback I get, you’d think I’m putting myself out there as some sort of unbiased Serious Writer and that everything I say that’s not perfectly balanced and fair and deeply thought-out is reason for some folks to get their panties all bunched up.

So I wish to spend the limited blogging time I have this morning hatin’ on the Obamas. Both of them. All of this is from Hot Air.

First, Michelle said this:

“Don’t trust bloggers or someone else’s opinion, because people lie.”

Yeah, like POLITICIANS? As if bloggers are the only ones with opinions that may be total bullshit. Not race-mongering, American-hating Senators’ wives. Riiiigggght.

Granted, she was probably referring to the rumor yesterday of a tape in which she was allegedly caught saying “Whitey”. I didn’t believe that the first time I read it because something about the name Larry C. Johnson stuck in my head and also, I tend not to believe something for which the source is described thusly:

“I have not seen it but I have heard from five separate sources who have spoken directly with people who have seen the tape.”

Now that’s solid reporting, my friends! Top-notch!

This morning I found out why the name Larry C. Johnson niggled my neurons. Basically, he’s a douchebag.

Ironically, the “lying bloggers” Michelle was likely referring to aren’t Republicans or conservatives but probably specifically this particular leftwinger, who goes to YearlyKos conventions and said in 2000 that Bin Laden’s ability to conduct terrorist operations was “extremely limited,” and in July 2001 (two months before 9/11) wrote this:

Judging from news reports and the portrayal of villains in our popular entertainment, Americans are bedeviled by fantasies about terrorism. They seem to believe that terrorism is the greatest threat to the United States and that it is becoming more widespread and lethal. They are likely to think that the United States is the most popular target of terrorists. And they almost certainly have the impression that extremist Islamic groups cause most terrorism.

None of these beliefs are based in fact…

I hope for a world where facts, not fiction, determine our policy. While terrorism is not vanquished, in a world where thousands of nuclear warheads are still aimed across the continents, terrorism is not the biggest security challenge confronting the United States, and it should not be portrayed that way.

Alllll righty then. Moving on.

Barack on sin:

GG:
What is sin?

OBAMA:
Being out of alignment with my values.

At first, I was all, so? What’s wrong with that answer? Then I thought, if you are going to call yourself a Christian and talk about sin, then the only answer to that question should be more like “Doing shit that the Bible says is sin.”

But that is my half-assed opinion and besides, I’m not a Christian so I’d rather stay out of this one. Although when you get down to it, it IS a little scary that the man believes sin is defined by his own personal values. If you want to feel that way, you really shouldn’t be a Christian. Is all I’m saying. I thought one of the main points of Christianity is that you do what God and Jesus say, not what YOU say. Then again, I suppose if pressed, Barack might say that his “values” are what God and Jesus say.

I’m shuttin my cakehole now. Can’t think when I’m in a hurry. I’m interested to see some debate on this though.

Do not be concerned for Maggie, she did get a spoonful all to herself; none of those pics were worth a crap though. I can’t achieve perfection ALL THE TIME. Anyway, I’m sure a few of you perverts have plenty of pervy things to say about this photo. Just remember this is an R-rated site. So, yeah.

RAPID CITY, S.D. (AP) - Hillary Rodham Clinton will give her post-primary speech in New York Tuesday night, a rare departure from the campaign trail.

Staffers who have worked for her on he ground in Puerto Rico, South Dakota and Montana have been invited to attend the event or go home for further instructions, campaign aides said. The New York senator had no other events Tuesday. She planned to address AIPAC Wednesday in Washington.

But she is under increasing pressure to cede the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama after the final primaries. There was a sense of denouement in the campaign. She planned to rally with husband and former President Clinton and their daughter Chelsea in South Dakota Monday night—a reunion usually reserved for election nights.

She’s gonna ruin all the fun, that crafty bitch! I’ve been hoping desperately that she’d stick it out to the convention and make Obama cage-fight her to the bloody end but I think that dream is fading. I wanted the Democrats to have to deal with the whole selected-not-elected bugaboo they’ve been humping like dogs in heat since Florida in 2000. Oh the good times it would have been. Good, good times.

This video is of an American marine being shot in the head by an Iraqi sniper. It’s set to that nightmarish towelhead music and it repeats the clip twice, the second time in slow-motion. Via Cassy, some of the comments include:

JihadJane:
it’s not rocket science, the solution is easy….get out of Iraq & your troops wont be killed any more…remember it is the west that is the invaders & occupiers there.

asdamn000001:
hey usa idiots…why not come to egypt, millions are waiting eagerly to cut your heads, millions can’t get to iraq so why not come to egypt to get you and this mobarak thing in one garbage bag to the hell.

Clyde815:
5 stars! I love seeing stupid marines die. I fucked up a marine in tj; punch him square on the face, best feeling i ever had.

BabylonianSage:
The Iraqis are real men: they resist the invasion with all the power they have and sacrifice their lives in the name of freedom, they’ve won my respect.

Un. Fucking. Believable. The video has been up since April 7 and I’ve personally flagged it three times (for Violent or Repulsive Content, Hateful or Abusive Content, and Harmful Dangerous Acts).

I looked and looked for an email address for YouTube so I could complain in more specific terms, but couldn’t find one anywhere. FUCKERS.

Let me remind you of something I’ve mentioned before:

A few years ago, I uploaded a video to YouTube of my ex-husband John throwing a small rock towards a squirrel on a tree. He missed but the squirrel jumped into the rock, which knocked it to the ground and then it ran away.

IN LESS THAN AN HOUR, that video was removed and I received an email from YouTube informing me that it had been flagged by ONE USER for “Violent or Repulsive Content” and that it violated YouTube’s content policies.

I uploaded it again some time later just to see what would happen, AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED. It was down within a few hours and I received an email telling me why. For one flag. For a goddamn squirrel throwing itself into a rock and surviving.

Seriously, people. Boycott those fuckers. Boycott them and never use that site for any reason whatsoever. They do not give a shit about what is right or wrong, and they’re profiting off of hosting videos of American troops being killed.

(Vimeo’s a million times better, anyway.)

Before you boycott them, though, please at least go flag that snuff film. And if anyone can supply me with an email contact for YouTube, that would be great. I’ll post it here and maybe some of you can express your displeasure right along with me.

UPDATE: I’d like to think my own readers slammed them with flags and thus I can claim personal overlord power over those assholes at YouTube, but I’m sure Cassy’s story got linked elsewhere and it was simply the awesomeness of us here, BUT ANYWAY, the video is now down as of 11 am CST. Only took them since April 7. I’m impressed.

A police community support officer ordered two Christian preachers to stop handing out gospel leaflets in a predominantly Muslim area of Birmingham.

The evangelists say they were threatened with arrest for committing a “hate crime” and were told they risked being beaten up if they returned. The incident will fuel fears that “no-go areas” for Christians are emerging in British towns and cities, as the Rt Rev Michael Nazir-Ali, the Bishop of Rochester, claimed in The Sunday Telegraph this year.

Arthur Cunningham, 48, and Joseph Abraham, 65, both full-time evangelical ministers, have launched legal action against West Midlands Police, claiming the officer infringed their right to profess their religion.

The preachers, both ministers in Birmingham, were handing out leaflets on Alum Rock Road in February when they started talking to four Asian youths.

A police community support officer (PCSO) interrupted the conversation and began questioning the ministers about their beliefs.

They said when the officer realised they were American, although both have lived in Britain for many years, he launched a tirade against President Bush and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Mr Cunningham said: “I told him that this had nothing to do with the gospel we were preaching but he became very aggressive.

“He said we were in a Muslim area and were not allowed to spread our Christian message. He said we were committing a hate crime by telling the youths to leave Islam and said that he was going to take us to the police station.”

On one level, these stories freak me out. Britain’s the foreign country most like us culturally yet just look at the shit going on there. It could happen here, too! But then I think, no. Bullcorn. Not while my generation breathes, anyway. See, our cops haven’t been neutered mentally and equipmentally. They still get to have guns and testicles, which I believe affects their overall psyche for the better, making them less prone to idiotic crap like telling ministers that preaching is a hate crime against those poor innocent Muslims.

I think I’ll keep the helmet pic but maybe use a new dog pic, this time of Maggie. Sunny’s suffered enough humiliation.

Oh and check it out: today I received in the mail a Flip video camera from a very lovely lady named Linda, which she bought for me off my Wish List. I truly didn’t expect anyone to do that and I am absolutely pregnant with gratitude. I hope you all realize what this means: dog videos! Regularly! Oh my God, the possibilities!!!

Linda, if I had your email address I would send you a personal thank-you, but I don’t so this will have to do for now. What I do have is a mailing address on the receipt and a Saddest Bee thank-you card, which is going out in the mail first thing Monday if that’s okay with you.

Which reminds me, I was going to send Saddest Bee thank-you cards to everyone who bought stuff off my Wish List for my birthday and since then, and actually wrote several of those cards and even stamped them, and then I had a thought. What if one of these people has a family situation, like their spouse wouldn’t approve of them buying gifts for a blogger? Maybe they’re not supposed to be on the internet all the time or something, or aren’t supposed to spend money without asking, or whatever. You know what I mean? And here comes this card in the mail from some stranger named Rachl Lukis, and it might cause problems. So I just couldn’t risk messing up anyone’s day like that. But! If any of you who I’m talking about would like to have a Saddest Bee card, please email me and let me know. I still have all the receipts so I’ll know what you sent me and can thank you personally like want to, but only if I have your permission to send something to your house like that.

And once again, a big huge Sunny-sized THANK YOU to everyone who’s hit my tip jar since the last time I mentioned it. I really don’t even know how to express my appreciation for it, honestly. The only reason I keep doing this blog thing is because I can justify doing so, and the only way I can justify doing so is to make some money at it. Otherwise, I’d be compelled to spend this time doing more work for my “real” job or even getting a second job, because I have financial goals I am never going to meet based on only the income from that job. The fact that I can earn some money from the best hobby ever is simply fuckin’ AWESOME and I thank you for it. In a very direct way, you are making this blog happen. Can’t even tell you how great it makes me feel.

And one more thing! I’m on a roll here. Yesterday, I spent some time searching online and going through the phonebook, looking for volunteer opportunities. I really, really want to do something and I’m dead serious about it. But do you know what? They sure don’t make it easy. I called the numbers for FOUR different volunteer agencies in the phonebook and every single one of them had a number that was no longer in service. I called three “senior citizen services” organizations, and two of them said they don’t use volunteers and even that they had no idea who I could contact that does. The other one didn’t answer the phone. What in the hell??

Obviously I’m not going to give up, but it was frustrating and annoying. I haven’t contacted every place I’ve found, so it’ll just take some time. I even went so far as to call a few local churches to see what they had going on, but all of them either didn’t answer or asked me about my faith and about joining the church itself - they weren’t really interested in what I was actually asking about. I KNOW they are not all like that and I’m going to keep trying. Surely you don’t have to actually belong to a church to help with their volunteer programs, do you?

I’ve worked with elderly people before (was a nurse’s aid in a nursing home when I was 22) and loved it, and my ideal volunteer job would be something like helping out elderly folks with household chores, grocery shopping, and so on. Also, clearly I love dogs so I wouldn’t mind volunteering at the Humane Society, which I’m looking into as we speak, although I worry that would depress me and also would make me want to bring home about 471 dogs, which Rupert would not dig at all. The PERFECT thing would be to help out elderly people with their dogs, like walking them or taking them to the vet, so that they don’t have to give their dogs up to a shelter, which I’ve heard happens a lot. But for the life of me, I can’t find any organization in my area that does that. Am I going to have to start one of my own? Because I will, dammit. I will!

Okay that’s all. Now give me some banner ideas or suffer my wrath.

First you taunt the dog.

Then you let her have a wee taste.

Then you let her go completely ape-shit on it while you laugh maniacally and your boyfriend whose name really isn’t Rupert watches while shaking his head in shame and disappointment because he can’t believe you are holding a spoon in one hand and a camera in the other like some kind of creepy food-porn director.

Then you bask in the look of pure adoration your ridgeback gives you as she tries and nearly fails to get every last bit of heaven-grade YUMMINESS off her face and into her mouth.

Job done. Nobody gets hurt. Dog happy. Life good.

*Yes, this likely violates Sunny’s diet but she deserves one or two tablespoons of nutritious peanut-based deliciousness every once in a while. WE ALL DO.