Avoid saying "I love the outdoors, animals, and moonlight walks along the beach."

Too true!

"Looking For Teh One" almost made me spit Pepsi on my work computer. Because I know people who would use that title SERIOUSLY, looking for a geeky type.

And the "princess" thing? I only know two girls who still insist on being treated like a princess. And I can't stand either of them.

First of all, glad to see you back!

You nailed a great many of the idiocies that turned me off to online match-up sites, especially the J-date site [yes, I'm an Israelite].
Too many gold-diggers, high-maintenance crumb-bums, and otherwise shallow ball-breakers.

Please, go on. Perhaps you may allow some of your readers to share those 'descriptors' and the like that we find most irritating and annoying?
We could start a movement ...

The only exception to the Princess rule is if she's a historical recreationist and really is a Princess, in which case she better have a picture wearing The Hat and name the Principality.

Though that's still an odd thing to mention in a personal ad, since it's a temporary thing really unrelated to Her qua Her.

I met Kelly online through our websites.
Even conned her into moving to Texas with the old "Sure babe, I like Pepsi just fine" lie.
Now she's trapped.

Number one transcends funny, because women still don't understand that there's not a single solitary item in the entire world that heterosexual men care less about than cats. Still, women will tell you that their cat is different. How? Will it make a great cup of coffee? Does it clean it's hair up off the couch out of politeness? I don't think so, nor do I give a rat's ass, and I think I speak for all men here.

Sorry for the run on sentence at the beginning. I didn't even take a breath while typing it.

Now that I read the post, it looks pretty damn angry. Cats bring that side out in me.

In the past I had given up perfectly good cats for allegedly allergic guys, and boy was it a mistake! I'd never do THAT again! The cats are not negotiable.

Seriously, though, my current long-term partner likes the cats almost as much as I do... but when it comes to the litter box detail, they're all mine! All four of the cats and all six of the litterboxes.

Oh, yeah, and if we ever split, if I were to go looking for a new guy, he'd HAVE to like cats! :)

The other problem with "being a Princess" is that most guys nowadays don't think Diana, they think Fiona. Shrek II & III Fiona.

Cats are okay. Cats with Really Stupid Names? Bad sign. "Snookiekins," no. "You Furry Bastard" is a great cat name.

An alternative to #8 would be, Don't say, "Money isn't important to me."

It's a lie. Everyone wants to be financially comfortable, at the very least. We all know you don't want to date an otherwise WONDERFUL man who just happens to have very high seniority at the local Blockbuster.

Reading about your online dating adventures makes me happy that I've been married happily for 12 years now. My wife's such a lucky gal...

The princess thing is 100% correct ditto for the cats. As far as most guys are concerned a girls craziness potential is directly related to how many cats she has.

The "sick of jerks" thing is spot-on. When I did the online dating thing, I would move along if I saw a profile with that comment.

Similarly, there's the "tired of the bar scene" variation, which basically suggests she's kind of a drunk with a tendency to sleep around with guys she just met, and she's baffled by the fact that this behavior never leads to a long-term relationship.

As far as most guys are concerned a girls craziness potential is directly related to how many cats she has.

You got that right, Scott. I recently ran into a girl I dated in hiskool decades ago. She's divorced twice, no kids but has two neurotic, disgustingly fat and hairy cats. I myself have owned one, and they are low-maintenance if you let them be, well, cats. Go outside, have fun, come home when you want, but don't bother me too much. No problem.

This woman refers to them as her 'babies' and she talks to them as if they were infants -- baby-talk non-sense.

I avoid this woman, and that means I have to avoid my favorite gin mills, as that is where I ran into her [one of them], and these are where she hangs out. I think she is stalking me ...

Spot on. Particularly #7 and your mention of making a positive first impression.

A lot of folks fail to see their dating profiles as a form of marketing, and if you don't spellcheck, you've failed to market yourself well -- at the most basic level.

When do we get to see the ad you posted, Rachel?

Ok, it looks like I have to represent the hetero guys who like cats. A picture of her cat is not a bad thing. It is only a sign that she might be able to put up with my cats.

On the other hand, pictures of her cat in a variety of holiday costumes is a potential crazy sign. A picture of all 15 of her cats is a BIG sign. The rule of thumb is that the number of cats in a house should not exceed twice the number of people who reside there.

I gave up cats for a guy who turned out to be a selfish jerk. Vowed to never give up any of my animals for a relationship. I would never be that desperate.

Had five cats and one big dog when I met "Mr. Wonderful". He didn't know much about cats, but twenty-two years later, we've got a lot more than five. And he's the one who talked them into the house.

The pets were part of the package. How sad that women are advised to hide something so special.

I hid my Playboy collection, though. *lol*

It's almost scary how well you know the male mind. I've spotted those buzzwords and phrases so many times I would almost automatically hit the BACK button when I saw them. The honesty factor is a big one for me now. I once met a girl for dinner who had a beautiful picture of herself on her profile.... from about 10 years ago. She showed up about 100 pounds heavier, looking like she ate the girl in the picture, and didn't even mention it when we met. I politely stayed through dinner, politely said goodnight, and never called her back.

In addition, any combination of the phrases "Environmentally conscious", "socially aware", and "spiritual but not religious" means they are a flaming liberal. But they will probably list themselves as "Middle of the road" politically.

#1 Unless it is a Maine Coon Cat. Really good with people but will put the smack down on people and things that should not be in the house. I saw the aftermath of a 50 lb black lab wandering into a friends house. He was holding the cat, and now has a scar running the length of his arm, the dog just about died. And she is just the nicest cat to everyone else.

#6 I have met plenty of women who were sick of jerks. Do remember if you treat people like shit that the good ones go away.

#8 Don’t bring up money at all. If you are not after it, why would you bring it up?

#9 Don’t use the words Princess or “looking for my knight in shining armor”. Knight in shining shows that you are looking for the perfect man to sweep you off your feet. Sorry. Perfect people don’t exist.

#10 I was looking at match.com’s list of weight/body type things. There are 8-10 of them. They all meant fat, skinny, in shape or undefined to me. Useless.

As for the mens article you posted awhile back you talked about not assuming that all women are crazy gold diggers. I have taken the approach of assuming that they *are* in fact all crazy, and every once in awhile I meet one who isn’t and am pleasantly surprised. It turns regular disappointment to occasional joy.

Alright,

1.) I agree with the 'cat' theory 100%! Nobody wants a crazy cat lady. That means you have something wacky going on in your noodle. If you have cats - great - just don't post them on your profile.

2.) I'm a single dad, though my child was conceived in wedlock. Why the hell is it that so many women on the personals have "never married" AND "any kids" checked? So, you don't care if I slept around and knocked up some random, but if I was married to her, I'm just not acceptable. Uhm... next.

3.) If you lift your arms, and the bottom part of your arms are still touching your flanks... you're NOT AVERAGE. Please don't pass yourself off as such. ALSO, for the record, you are only "athletic and toned" if you can actually see some sort of definition somewhere on your body. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but "athletic and toned" is reserved for those who are actually athletic and, therefore, toned.

4.) Here is a BIG "next" trigger for me. If all of the photos in your profile have 08/05/2004 stamped on them, I'm guessing that you are hiding about three years worth of, well, something. If you are going to post an old picture of yourself, either post a new picture of yourself, too (with date stamp), or do yourself the courtesy of photoshopping out the old dates. I don't want to meet you only to find out that you were severely disfigured in a forest fire, or you had some sort of botched nose job. Be upfront with me.

5.) Post a damn picture. I will NOT write to you unless you have a photo. Call me superficial, fine, but I don't want you to talk to you, only to find out you look like Fiona from Shrek (thanks Cirby for the visual).

Rachel - thanks for putting this out there.

The cat pictures wouldn't bother me, since I have two of my own. (Or did until one died suddenly and unexpectedly last month. Now I'm looking to adopt a new kitten.)

Trouble is, I AM allergic to cats. I found that out the hard way after adopting two kittens seven years ago. I would rather have had my lungs removed than get rid of them. Thanks to medical science, my respiratory problems are under control. Barely.

So I don't think I could marry a woman with cats, because I think two is my limit.

I forgot to add:

TL: I think your 2:1 cat-human ratio is a good rule of thumb, even for people without allergies. I never thought of it that way before, but it makes sense.

Even without my allergy, a woman with 15 cats sounds like trouble.

My 2 cents on girls with cats.

Girls who have cats generally fall into two categories.

The first is the kind of girl who treats her cat(s) like her children, doting on them, talking to them (in insufferable baby-talk, no less), and spoiling them rotten with gourmet food and toys they forget about after five minutes. These are the girls you want to watch out for.

On the other hand, the good kind of cat-owning-girl is the kind that does exactly the opposite. I know a lot of people think cats are domesticated, but it just isn't true. Cats are not pets. They are wild animals who long ago learned that acting cute is a good way to trick gullible humans into giving them food and a warm place to sleep. Those of you who have experience with both dogs and cats will know what I mean. Nine times out of ten, an inside cat who manages to slip outside will come back after a few hours without a whisker out of place. Whereas an inside dog who escapes will have about a 50/50 chance of making it back home without a wound of some kind (yes, I'm aware that some dogs have survival skills but most wouldn't know their ass from a hole in the ground if their human didn't help them figure it out). If you want proof, just go outside and count the number of "missing dog" posters and compare them to the number of "missing cat" posters. But I digress. The good kind of cat-owning-girl is the kind that lets her cats do pretty much whatever they please. And by that I mean leaving the cats to their own devices, not letting them claw everything in the house. A good rule of thumb is that if she lets the cat rest in her lap while she's watching tv but is perfectly willing to shove it right off the edge of the table when she's eating dinner, she's probably all right.

But, if she dresses her cat in seasonally-themed outfits, buys it designer collars, gives it nauseatingly cute names like "Mr. Snookiewiggles", and other things of that nature, just smile politely and try to pawn her off on one of your friends.

In terms of a photo, potential dates should have to hold up copy of that day's newspaper (or that week's periodical), not unlike a hostage situation. That way, you're guaranteeing "authenticity." Rachel should steal a page from those two ugly broads from Long Island and issue her own version of "The Rules."

- Avoid describing yourself as "a great catch" or looking for "the one".
- Limit the number of photos you post to four or five ranging from casual to formal. Post no more than one photo with a drink in your hand unless you're an alcoholic.
- Must have chemistry? Fine, I'll bring a bunsen burner.
- Absolutely no poetry in your profile.

Mighty Samurai: You see more 'missing dog' than 'missing cat' signs? So do we all. I think, however, you're misreading the situation; posting the sign may actually result in someone returning the cat.

mightysamurai:
They are wild animals who long ago learned that acting cute is a good way to trick gullible humans into giving them food and a warm place to sleep.

I've been working on a theory that pets are actually a form of parasite. That goes for both cats and dogs.

Think about it: They live much better under a human roof than they would in the wild. We provide them with food by the sweat of our brows without them so much as lifting a paw. Not to mention soft warm cushions to sleep on rather than the cold hard ground. And medical care to boot!

There would be far fewer cats and dogs in the world if they were strictly wild animals. I think they've hit on an effective survival strategy. All that's required of them is to look and act cute.

Leave all pets out. Don't tell me your life story in your profile. Don't tell me what I'm supposed to be. Just give me a hint that you'll be interesting, and a nice smile from a recent picture. Cats, expectations, dreams, hopes, and warts are all going to be great stuff to discuss in the early conversations.

Let it happen then...

PETS: It's true that featuring your pet in a personal ad is probably a negative. Guys are interested in you, not the pieces of your life that are common to about half of all women. This goes for "friends," too. (You have them. We know. We know it won't work out between us if we can't get along with your friends. This does not justify a paragraph-long warning about how you have friends.) It also goes for chick-shows. You watch them. We don't. Unless you're looking, specifically, for a guy who watches Desperate Housewives, there's no reason to go down the roster of gender-targeted shows. They mean nothing to us except "She has a vagina."

All that said, most guys are sort of accustomed to girls having personality quirks. As long as your cat doesn't actually get more than one picture, or more than one clause in a sentence, you're probably OK.

CLICHES: The same goes with a lot of the cliches. Most of us just kind of expect women to use precious cliches. It hurts you in a "same old, same old" way, but usually not in an "OH MY GOD! RUUUUUN! CLICK THE X!" way. Just remember that if you write cliches and misspell things, you're going to attract guys who don't necessarily have a problem with that.

JERKS, PRINCESS, ETC: A.Men. Don't ever say something that reveals you have a history of short, unhappy relationships. Things like "Hates Jerks" and "Demands To Be Treated Like..." means, to guys, that you're either a total bitch, self-centered, utterly clueless in relationships, or some combination thereof. In fact, please DO mention these things. You'll save some guys a lot of trouble.

Basically, I think you bring up a lot of good points, Rachel. But I think you're kidding yourself if you have any expectation of actually falling in love with someone's profile. Or of someone- anyone- writing a profile that another person is capable of falling in love with. Keep in mind that men are aware of women's quirks and there's a name for guys who want to talk guy stuff with someone they just had sex with: homosexuals.

One thing has't been mentioned: PHOTOS. Women seem to get carried away with the cockteasing pics. They don't realize that they're just provoking guys whom they DON'T want to date to contact them. Think about it rationally, gals. What are you trying to accomplish? Presumably you're trying to physically attract guys who are mentally attracted by your profile.

I'll never complain about girls who take slutty pics. I certainly have no problem with it. But you're basically removing the filter that a profile is supposed to provide. A large minority of guys are just looking for hotness and they'll happily read your profile back to you in the first person if it gets them a chance at the plate.

I've been working on a theory that pets are actually a form of parasite. That goes for both cats and dogs.

Think about it: They live much better under a human roof than they would in the wild. We provide them with food by the sweat of our brows without them so much as lifting a paw. Not to mention soft warm cushions to sleep on rather than the cold hard ground. And medical care to boot!

On the other hand, we also castrate them and make them perform tricks for our amusement.

Still, the relationship between humans and pets is (usually) more of a symbiotic relationship than a parasitic one. Dogs, for example, have plenty of practical uses. You can hunt with them, you can have them guard your home, and owning one is a good way to trick yourself into exercising. Cats are the same way (though they are less useful) in that they can be used to control the vermin population in and around your home. And of course there's the companionship aspect that comes from owning a pet as well.

Still, that's not to say there aren't more than a few parasitic pets out there. Tiny dogs who couldn't hunt or chase off a burglar to save their lives come to mind, along with the rodents, reptiles, and insects.

As a seasoned (male) online dater, I applaud your well-thought-out missives. Your blog posts and these comments should be required reading for everyone signing on to an online dating site.

I signed on to Match a few years ago and went out with more women than Charlie Sheen. Along the way, I made a few observations:

Ladies: Pictures of cats, dogs, sunsets, flowers, waterfalls and birds don't help your cause and don't make me want to meet you. Nine photographs, all headshots from 10 feet away, behind sunglasses and hidden with large floppy hats just tell me you have no self-esteem, no appendages and you probably live in an iron lung. Call me shallow, but I'm not interested. Pictures taken during the Eisenhower administration are similarly frowned upon. What could someone possibly want in a profile photo? Show me what you damn well look like TODAY, including the body. I don't need any "Hustler Honey" shots, just give me a rough idea of what I'm getting myself into. Give me detail enough to be able to quickly identify you in a small crowd at Starbucks. And no scans of your driver's license photo. Nothing screams LOSER faster than being too damn lazy to take a digital photo.

Guys: Don't post a picture of your Corvette. Or you in your Corvette. Or HummVee. Or list your income as
$250k+. You might just come across as "lacking".

"Average body". Average for Muscle Beach or Walmart? Instead of the regular 10-12 completely useless body type categories, we should instead use comparative photos. Pick the one you most closely resemble: Jennifer Anniston, Brad Pitt, Tyreese, Mo'nique, Wilford Brimley, Rosie O'Donnell, Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, Teletubbie.

Ads that say "No drug users", "No alcoholics", or "Just looking for someone who won't beat me and steal my money" screams "professional victim". Get help. Straighten your life up before you shop for a new hubby.

"Unsure" if you want kids? No you're not. Yes or no. You already know what you want, do us all a favor and let us know too.

I'm a scuba instructor and rock climber. Don't write me if you're a chain-smoking, fat-ass couch potato on a first name basis with the Schwann's driver. Something tells me it's not gonna work out.

"Trying to quit". No you're not. That's "chain smoker but wish I wasn't". If you have a wholesale account at the Indian smoke shop, you aren't trying to quit. You aren't close to quitting. You couldn't find QUIT on a map with a compass and a grid reference. You smoke so much I can smell you through my internet connection. Quit or don't, but stop lying about it.

If you're a 4'11" woman, WHY OH WHY do you have "must be 6' or taller" in the profile? What are you trying to accomplish, other than alienating 90% of the male population?

"Cowgirl lookin' for a real cowboy". Why, got a ranch? Cattle drive coming up? Scared of rustlers? Got some brandin' to do? Fantasies are for bedroom play later on. Let's stick to reality for now.

Five kids with four dads and every communicable disease catalogued by the CDC? No honey, you don't have to put "I like a man with an edge" in your profile. We get it. I might have all the edge a man can muster, but I'll pass. Thank anyway. I'm sure there's a biker gang with your name on it somewhere.

Online personals are a great idea and you can meet some really nice people without a great deal of fuss. But honesty and realism are key. But until that happens, they're still fun reading!

If you're a 4'11" woman, WHY OH WHY do you have "must be 6' or taller" in the profile? What are you trying to accomplish, other than alienating 90% of the male population?

Gregarious, I'd like to know the answer to this too. I'm a 6'1" woman, and it looks to me like all the really tiny women and the big guys seem to prefer each other.

25 years ago, I briefly worked with a 5'8" woman who absolutely refused to date any man under 6'6"... because he had to be tall enough to tower over her by 6" when she was wearing 4-inch heels.

I told her that I'd still be a virgin if I had requirements like those. (My BF at the time was right around my height.) Hell, I'd still be a virgin at almost 54 if I had requirements like those.

On the other hand, I've always gotten much more attention from the men who are under 6 feet tall, and especially from the men who are way under 6 feet tall. The shorter guys already know they're not the biggest guy around, so they seem to figure that a few more inches on the woman is no big deal.

My current significant other is about 5'6" if I put him on the rack. He's a good guy, but sometimes it still feels weird to tower over him.

I've e-mailed and chatted with a couple of shorter men who complain about this topic too.

Heh... on second thought, if my current significant other and I ever split, I'm just gonna give in and become a crazy cat lady and start piling them up.

Cats are way easier to deal with than the dating scene. They'll never tell me I'm too tall, too old, too fat, too intelligent, or not good enough in some other way.

They mostly just care about how you treat them. They don't get drunk, they don't smoke cigarettes, and they don't chew gum. In other words, for some of us, they make nearly perfect companions.

And yes, they are FUN to spoil... and IMO, they give back more affection than many humans do of either sex.

To RICKI and other cat-allergic folks:

Regarding cat allergies. Just passing along some stuff I've heard or read.

Sometimes the cat's allergenic potential might be related to its food. I have been told that if you feed it better food, it might be less allergenic, and its coat will be in better condition.

There are also shampoos and towel wipes which you can use to cut down on the quantity of saliva, etc. which you come in contact with by having a cat around.

There is one breed which supposedly naturally lacks the protein in its saliva which makes allergic people itch, and that is the Siberian breed. The original ones in the U.S. were--yes--imported from Siberia, Russia.

They actually have a triple coat (good for surviving Siberian winters). They are fairly large cats (about the size of Maine Coons). They are supposed to be pretty intelligent and people-oriented.

They are still a fairly rare breed in the U.S. The prices for "pet" kittens which I have seen start at around $700 and up (breeder and show specimens are more). That's not cheap, but it's a lot cheaper than the so-called designer kittens which have been advertised for over $3,000.

If you are at all interested, you can find a breeder and visit them. Supposedly about 70% of allergic people can tolerate a Siberian cat just fine.

I am only mildly allergic to cats (their fur tickles my nose), and I can't yet afford a $700 kitten at any rate, but at some point I would like to visit a Siberian cattery.

Here is a website which lists Siberian cat breeders, if you're interested:

Don't forget "looking for someone who is real." Because there are a lot of fake people, aliens, and ghosts out there setting up dates.

Poetry's OK with me, as long as it's just a couple of lines, and as long as whoever posted it also wrote it.

Well, 4 of the 10 don't bother me at all. Here's another one for you.

11. Don't spend all your time criticizing others. The guy, if he's got any experience at all, will realize that after a while the bloom will wear off his rose, too and you'll be all over his case just like everyone else.

Well you're dead on on #9, that's for sure. It's gotten to the point where I don't even like to see "Princess" T-Shirts on 7-year-old girls. It just says to me, "oh, so you're raising her to be a self-centered, prissy prima donna".

Poor girl never has a chance with that kind of parent.

I was glad I found a link to your Blog on PoF. You've got chutzpah toots. I like that. I would like to point out however, you had a few minor, rather glaring omissions in your otherwise great list. I figured I would add one that immediately came to mind:

11) Find someone else take your picture.

Avoid those 3/4 perspective, 45 degree angled, over the shoulder, God's eye view down your cleavage shots unless you intend on dating men with their heads permanently cocked at 45 degrees so they can recognize you when they enter the coffee shop

Have someone in the same state as you take your picture. Shots of “Purple Mountain’s Majesty” are splendid but one shouldn't have to query as to whether that is you in the picture or just another shrub.

Keep up the great writing, I will gladly keep reading.

Have fun ;)!

Hey pbmaltzman - I just had to respond to you. I have to tell you that I'm that girl. I'm 5'0 and I like the tall guys. I've been asked before why that was so important to me. I used to tell people that it went back to jr. high. My first few weeks in jr. high, just out of grade school, the other girls treated me like I was their "little dolly". "Look at that little sweetheart." "She's sooooo cute and soooo teeny-tiny". I absolutely hated how small I was. I decided then and there that I would marry someone tall so that my children would have a better chance of being taller. (Forget how much smaller I would look with a tall guy -that fact did not enter into my juvenile thinking.)

Then I grew bigger than average boobs and didn't care so much anymore that I was so small and petite - only made the girls look bigger (thanks mom!), but I was still very attracted to tall men. As I've aged, I've realized it's not just tall men that I'm attracted to, it's tall "manly-men". The hunter-gatherer type who is a little rough looking. I've come to believe that it goes back to the pre-historic Alpha-Male thing. I'm small and always feel a little behind everyone and everything (my own issues, I know), so I look for the biggest, baddest man around to pick up the slack - you know grill things and open pickle jars and such.

For what it's worth, it did come back and bite me in the ass. I dated a man a few years ago that was without a doubt my "ideal" 6'4, played college football, loved to hunt, fish, etc... THE ONE. He dumped me because he was convinced that I would not be able to give him large children that would grow up to be deep-snappers in the NFL. True Story. His words: "You don't have breeding hips to give me big boys. Bye now."

I've been with my current 6'2 manly-man for a year and a half and marriage planning has commenced. He doesn't care if our children take more after me than him. But I confess, I do.

I've been single for about 6 months. Was married for 20 years. I'm 44. Yes, I know there are a lot of male jerks out there, but I'm astonished - and so disappointed - by what I read (and hear) from the gender I used to consider far superior to my own. Silly me...I thought that by the time females hit their 40's, they would have grown up and shed the Disney-esque fantasy-based versions of love and life. Nyet. It's ok to think and act like a teenager in your early 20's. But at 40+? It's bizarre.

Here are some of my female profile turnoffs:

-Using terms like: "Soul mate", "Mr. Right" or "Prince". Grow up, idiot.

-Pictures with ANY animals (not just cats). I love animals - but not in a profile picture.

-Pictures of fat, skeezy femmes in undergarments, showing lots of skin (read: flab), risque poses, etc. Blech! What's the deal with fat, old, ugly women who think that this is somehow sexy?

-Phrases like "I live life to the fullest", "I enjoy each and every moment of life", etc. Good grief - what a crock of sh*t. Yes, dear, each and every second of your entire life is like the best orgasm you ever had. U-huh.

-"Looking for a guy who will make me laugh till it hurts". Then go find a clown, honey. While I enjoy laughing as much as, and have a sense of humour that's as good as, the next guy - I am not here to AMUSE you, sweety.

95% of the female profiles include some form of the following:
1) Love to travel.
2) Great sense of humour / make me laugh.
3) Confidence.
4) Great conversation over a glass of red wine.
5) Snuggling/cuddling.
6) Walks on the beach.
7) Great smile.
8) Prince, Mr. Right, Soul mate,...
9) Outgoing.

And then they list about 20 things that theri fantasy-man should be. The fact that they have never met nor has anyone they know ever met a person (male or female) who could be all of those wonderful things (with no bad traits, of course) doesn't seem to penetrate their dream-locked skulls.

What you do NOT read about is any notion what it takes to have a happy and successful relationship over the long run.

So basically what you've got in the world of online dating is a)people lying about who they are, and b)people fantasizing about meeting someone "perfect" who will sweep them off their feet and make everything alright. The End.

It looks like I'm going to be single for a long, long time.

My wisest piece of advice is NEVER NEVER NEVER include a picture of yourself with your arm around another girl who is significantly hotter or has measurably bigger boobs than you. Whether she's your bestest buddy or just some other bridesmaid in a wedding you were in. Seriously.

If you do, you are immediately forgotten. This is different than meeting you in person, where your energy or body language can make men realize that you, not she, is the real catch. But with online dating, I don't know you from Adam, and I have no reason to focus on your picture over that of your equally anonymous hotter friend. If you put a total hottie next to you in a picture, or showcase your friend with the great rack, you've permanently documented a first impression for yourself in which you're second best. We will always remember associating you with that disappointment.

And even if we're not the kind of guy that would go out with you just to meet your friend, you've still made us fear that a relationship with you would involve the gut-wrenching hell of knowing we'll never get to see your friend's big boobs. Spare us the misery.

Excellent post. I would add my two cents:

1. In my anecdotal experience, many educated, single women in my age group (early 40s) seem to have gone either workaholic or have extremely busy lives, usually filled up with lots of worthwhile activities. Granted, the women may have filled up their lives in order to keep busy, and that's good, but some of these women need to decide if there is now room for a relationship in their lives.

For example, if I show up at the date on time, and you are half-hour late because you were busy with a previous engagement, that might be okay. However, if you show up ON YOUR CELL PHONE, cut off the discussion immediately upon arriving in front of me, and then after our date ends, you go out to an after-hours club with your friends, I'm gonna think you're a little too tied up.

Instead, say, "Very busy person seeks same." You can date one of those guys who never stops, either, schedule your dates as appointments and live happily ever after.

2. If we say send a picture, send a picture. Men are visual and we're not kidding. If we're not attracted to you, it's not going anywhere. But take heart -- someone will be attracted to you. That's why you send a picture. To find that person.

3. I am a former lifeguard, triathlete, played lots of sports, contact and non-contact, throughout my life; I practically lived on the basketball court in my free time in my 20s, lifted weights, hiked ... guess what? I am now 43. There's some serious mileage on the old joints. If you're just discovering running and bicycling, God bless you and your fresh, preserved knee and shoulder cartilage. Praise the Heavens that you paced yourself better. But I will NOT be going running with you. I will be smoking a cigar on the deck and hand you an iced tea and a towel when you return. If that's a problem, find someone with similar cartilage levels.

4. Oh yes -- remember: At least for me, women in their 40s are about as sexy as they come. Don't sell yourself short.

That's all.

One of my faves is the women in their 40s and even 50s who answer the question "do you want kids?" with "undecided"
I think that decision has pretty much been made for you on the one hand, on the other,well, just walk on by in my book.I can only imagine the trauma of ordering dinner with these.
Then the pics that.when you actually meet them in person,you want to say that they did a really good job of picking the one angle from which they look normal. In reality,not so much.

95% of the female profiles include some form of the following:

2) Great sense of humour / make me laugh.

That whole "women love a man with a sense of humor" thing is a load of crap. You don't see women trampling over George Clooney to get at Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

To hell with Dr. Laura!
You could make a fortune with this on the radio!

Maybe even team up with April Winchell and make some F.U. money on XM!

Dear Abby: Well, we Amazons usually prefer the tall guys too (well, guys who come up to our eyebrows at least).

Seems to me that a lot of the tall guys aren't used to a woman coming up to eyebrow level on them, and so reject us.

I've met a few guys who prefer us Amazons, and even one who absolutely refused to date women shorter than himself (he used to be married to a woman who was 6'2")... ALL of those men were under 6 feet tall themselves.

Maybe those guys wanted to have sons who were taller than themselves, and they were counting on the woman's genes to provide the height.

One other way your choice of a big guy might come back to bite you in the ass: You might end up pregnant with babies that are so big that you have to deliver them by cesarean section.

It is pretty cruel, though, for the big guy to have gotten involved with you, and THEN dumped you because your pelvis wasn't big enough. I mean, if he wanted a bigger pelvis, it's pretty easy to tell which woman has one!!

I also do medical transcription, and every once in a while the doctor, in dictating a report, states that the woman is 4'11" with a 6'4" husband, and the doctor thinks that her pelvis won't be able to pass the kid.

You might be able to bear male kids for the giant that grow to be as big as he is... you just might not be able to give birth without surgical help.

I don't think anyone (except the doctor) thinks of that angle until the woman is actually in labor, though.

I guess most guys want big sons... but then some of them also sire tall daughters, some of whom are kind of culled out of the dating game.

I've met very few other tall women who don't seem to have regarded their height as a disadvantage in the dating game (at least when young), but the majority of other tall women I've talked to speak of watching the petite women walk off with all the big manly men, at least while they were growing up.

I'll add to that: When I was growing up, guys seemed to want 'em not only tiny but ditzy. One of my high-school friends was hot for this one girl who was the absolute worst ditz I knew. She was all he talked about!

In the U.S. tall clubs, if a married couple want to join, both husband and wife must meet the height requirements.

I don't quite get it... but then, if I ever break it off with my current partner, I'm gonna become a crazy cat lady. I've got four now.

Oh, yeah, and from what I've read, all those Asian women who like to marry American white guys? Apparently they do it because Americans are typically taller than Asian men. It'd be interesting to see what happens when more Mongolian Chinese folks emigrate here (they are tall).

My understanding is that before birth control, women would start having kids in their teens and 20s, but would continue on into their 40s and sometimes even 50s.

For whatever reason now, we're seeing a lot of infertility in women (and men!) even in their 30s.

From some stuff I've read, the rising rates of infertility might be related, in some cases, to a lack of essential fatty acids (EHA and DHA), because a lot of people don't eat enough animal fat in their diet... especially things like cod liver oil. Sex hormones especially seem related to stuff like this. Just my 2 cents.

I think that we've got an abundance of food, but a lot of it is junk food, and too high in carbs (in women, anyway, this food plan can be related to polycystic ovary disease), so, while we're sated and overeating, perhaps we're not as well nourished and healthy as you'd expect.

I read somewhere that Clark Gable's only son was born to a woman who was in her 50s--but I realize that that would be rare in any age.

Some women ARE capable of starting their families in their 40s, but certainly not all.

Abby:

I have this idea that small women feel more physically vulnerable than I do on an everyday basis, and that might be one reason why you prefer much bigger men.

It's not that I feel invulnerable, because I don't; but there is a deterrent value to my size (though even I once did get mugged 25 years ago). I can drive across country and not worry about getting harassed.

I'm not as strong as a man of comparable size, but I don't usually think about being physically vulnerable. Most of the time I don't think about it. I also don't feel all that protected by men.

One exception I can think of to this is the last couple of times I have moved, I have used the services of professional moving men. One guy was nearly my height and built like a bear... my mattress is queen size and extra-deep. I can't move it by myself, but this fellow could pick it up all by himself. His arms and hands looked like hams.

At times like that, I remember how much stronger than women men frequently can be... and I'm really, really glad.

I'm in the "giant guy who dates short chicks" demographic myself. In my case it's because I'm 6'3", adpoted, and really don't want to find myself on the Springer Show. My home state makes it very difficult for adopted folks to find info on their birth parents unless you need a transplant or have a super-rare blood type or some-such. When all you have are phenotypes to work with, you do what you can to avoid hearing the words, "Dude, she's your cousin/half-sister/aunt/etc!"

Cybrludite, height alone might be misleading as an indicator of which women to avoid... genetics is a little more complicated than that.

From what I've seen, I think that height is commonly sex-linked--that is, in most families, most of the men tend to be taller than most of the women.

I've known some pretty big guys with short sisters.

OTOH, in my family, I got the lion's share of the height. I outgrew my father by an inch, and my brother (although he died young and a long time ago) was several inches shorter than me. The only tall grandfather was on my mother's side.

I have cousins who are all over the map in terms of size, with several male cousins shorter than I am.

One of the big guys (6'4") I dated a few times from the internet (when I was still looking, that is) claimed he wanted a tall woman, but really didn't want a woman who was tall enough to look him in the eye... somehow anyone that tall wasn't "feminine" enough for him.

That was ultimately okay with me, because he wasn't "masculine" enough for me (turned out to be an ill-mannered, unattractive geek who thought that bragging about his salary would attract women, but I was turned off).

He also bragged about how great he was with computers... but he also managed to "accidentally" send me an e-mail meant for someone else he had met, telling her that he was looking forward to meeting her.

IMO, dating sucks most of the time, and I'm glad I'm not still trying to meet someone.

A couple more;

1. Stop putting those stupid pictures of yourself blowing kisses. It isn't cute, fetching or anything else you think it is. They make your mouth look like a puckered butt hole.

2. When you *sighs* write your *lol* sentences likes this *smiles* it gives us the *rolls eyes* douche chills.

Im wit the speling advice. sometin about not be abl to spel correctly realy chaps my as.

Every week my single girlfriends and I hit our fave restaurants for for our weekly gabfest.

We always share our online dating war stories and lessons we've learned!

Lesson #1

When a guys says he's looking for "Maryanne, not Ginger" don't believe him.

Do men think we can't see the look of major disappointment in their eyes when you really are Maryanne, not Ginger??!!!

FYI - I am "spiritual not religious, and I'm a conservative!